* Stifling lack of local prospects; in SC, the majority of jobs were "over the hill" (SJ/SV) making it a bedroom community. Portland has a little more going on for itself but it doesn't have the strong jobs pull of a city like Austin, which Portland has often been compared to in the past.
* Isolated city. If you leave Portland you reach rural farmland relatively quickly compared to larger US metros, which have a cluster of coties SC as noted has some distance to the city, but also proximity to farms east around Watsonville. SC being a college town with a major university contributes to the difference, bringing in a wider young demographic. In both cases this contrast and close proximity enables a dynamic of "city vs country", which exploded in Portland in 2020's protests with aggressive displays and a fatal shooting.
* Ethno-nationalist legacy: Portland was designed to be whites-first and only reversed on that relatively recently. California harbors some of these sentiments, but mostly not as strongly. It adds a layer to the culture that, while not always blatancy obvious, makes it feel more insular.
Besides, NOLA is fine. Murders aren't evenly distributed; there are plenty of perfectly safe spots and lots of safe activities to do.
This may sound crazy, but join a Crossfit gym.
Look on google maps, find one that is convenient, show up, talk to the coach, and sign up for a month.
Crossfit is instant community. And you will get fit and feel better about yourself while you do it.
Will it solve everything? Maybe not. But there's it's SUCH a simple way to make real progress on isolation, health, and self esteem.
There are a million other great activities and communities. Few are as easy to find and as consistently positive as Crossfit. (And it does't have to literally be "Crossfit" but if it isn't, then you are in a search mode, which leads to hesitation, reasons not to, and doing nothing.)
But, with the CrossFit suggestion and this one, I think that the exercise component is just as important as the social aspects. Exercise can help just as much mentally as physically. The notion on a “runners high” is a real effect.
Being able to do it alone or in a group is also a bonus. I have run both with a club and by myself. You don’t have to wait for someone else to get started. You can join a gym or you can run outside. If you have running shoes, you can start today. (Okay, if you’re in the northeast, you might want to wait a few days…)
Another benefit to running — your coding will get better. Seriously. When you have time to stop and think more about a problem, away from the keyboard, problems get easier to solve. I’ve debugged several issues just by stopping and going for a run.
Finally the feeling of finishing a race — no matter the distance — is great. You don’t need to run in a race to get the other benefits, but it’s nice to have a goal.
The other day, they even organized a hiking activity in the Parnitha mountains outside of Athens, and it felt like an adventure. It's a great community to be part of. My trainer even jokes I should be paying him a extra therapist fee.
Not to mention I met my, probably, future wife at the gym :)
I remember my own phase of loneliness and isolation. I remember sitting on the couch bemoaning my fate. Day after day. The same story. Then I finally took an action that literally changed my life.
The key was that I did something RIGHT THEN, as opposed to planning to do something or thinking about why something wasn't quite right.
Go start your journey of 10,000 miles. Do it now.
More laid back: join a weekly bikes-with-lights social biking group. Weekly trivia, meetups at bars for tech people, new people to the area, karaoke, etc. Play to your strengths/likes. Run and hit the gym to boost social confidence (now I am back at crossfit ;). Learn how to dress up just slightly more than standard for any occasion (non exercise that is) if you don't already know.
It's easier to make friends outside of work if you build some structure or drive into your life beyond work. Become interesting by having interests. Whatever you choose to do, keep doing it and eventually you will meet like minded souls.
I wonder where OP is. Location might have a say in what's popular and help find a matching interest.
Here's a good, to the point summary of a lot of things:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgH_9Iy7_mQ (lot's of good advice from this guy I think, I the fact that he's selling you on his channel doesn't put you off)
0.) dress just a little bit nicer than average. Do this by simply dressing for the occasion and most likely it will just happen.
https://www.reddit.com/r/coolguides/comments/bfxiqb/how_to_d...
1.) Wear clothes that fit
https://www.reddit.com/r/malefashionadvice/comments/ehrtv/sh... https://www.reddit.com/r/malefashionadvice/comments/1hr3nk/h...
2.) Wear a watch:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Watches/comments/2mkg05/rwatches_bu... https://www.reddit.com/r/Watches/comments/1oawc3/meta_watche...
3.) understand when to wear what shoe
https://www.reddit.com/r/malefashionadvice/comments/p7usf/sh...
4.) Going out? Got a date? Wear a blazer:
https://suitsupply.com/en-us/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNe1dkaTfg0 (youtube, content starts at 2:06 or so. this guy wears more snickers than I'd be comfortable with, but it's fine for him, and yeah, anyway, some good ideas there)
Also critical, no how a suit should fit, tie your ties, etc. Reddit it all over this stuff so google reddit with your particular question and you should be on your way.
I hope that helps!
The Crossfit WODs, a very physically intense workout, at the end everyone usually has a runners high and is sort of relaxed, has a similar effect on me like drinking with others.
The pain shared from fighting through grueling WODs with others creates great bonds/cameraderie, similar to those marches in the military service. Go through a few hero wods together and you develop great trust.
Endless small talk possibility with other crossfitters. Everyone loves to enthusiastically chat about exercises, the last few wods, etc. And immediate connection, like if u studied at the same university.
Last point applies to other sports as well, but IMO, it's a lot stronger with crossfit.
I actually came to CrossFit through reading Tucker Max's book "Mate" (ISBN-10: 0316375365) which I also recommend you read. Good luck brother.
As internet people debate in a lengthy thread about what normal people do. :-)
Have kids?
As far as I understand it, software engineers in the Bay Area have two common hobbies: indoor rock-climbing at Planet Granite and ballroom dancing. I would never have guessed how common they are, but it is what it is. D&D is a distant third.
Lol that’s the absolute polar opposite of what the OP wants. They want to get away from other engineers like them and to meet some different people.
also kiteboarding
I'd also add the more "regular", the more likely you are to find regular people. The stereotypical events & hobbies recommended for meeting people can unsurprisingly wind up chock-full of outcast-sorts who are also looking to meet people. If you want to find a real group, and a variety of ordinary folks, you want to expressly avoid all the sort of things Lonely Joe Developer would try.
(Nothing wrong with loner types, but a concentrated bunch of loners is not a great foundation for building a strong social group)
When I first moved to my current city, I joined one, and met a couple who became some of my best friends here. I never would have met them were it not for the group. I realize that not everyone will have the same experience, I just don't see why "recommend board game groups" is rejected as bad advice.
I agree with you that it isn't bad advice per se. But it should probably come with a warning that the local group might just be full of weirdos and to cut your losses if that seems to be the case.
You don't go to the boardgame group because everyone there will be your ideal friendship candidate. You go to find a few people who you get on well with, then invite them over to your place or to some common ground for boardgames (or other mutually enjoyable activity) outside of the group and without the socially inept.
Think: If you see benefit from therapy are you not more likely to keep going?
Therapy has helped me anyway.
Uncharitably I've seen this framed as something like "therapists only help people with simple problems."
When someone recommends therapy, just treat it like you would any other recommendation that doesn’t need to trigger a “that doesn’t apply universally!” response. Nobody is forcing anyone to do therapy. Many people find it helpful. Many people don’t. Still quite reasonable for GP to say “therapy helps” with an implied “in my opinion.”
And I am neither anti-therapy nor pro-therapy (only a simpleton would have an unnuanced position on such a complex topic). Next time please refrain from attempting to put words into my mouth, it is disrespectful and adds nothing of value to your comment.
"Professional help" is not always positive. If you have internal issues to fix, external help may or may not be the right thing for you. There's absolutely no standard approach for this kind of things.
> a therapist (a good one)
So what they end up with a bad one, was that good advice?
It's important to understand the possibilities. Fortunately today with the internet it's easy to search for symptoms and go to a doctor, and I'd highly recommend that to OP and anyone else who thinks they might need it.
However, OP seems unhappy with their current life and is unsure how to fix it. Therapy often can help with that - its not just for depressed people.
- activism: go canvas for a politician you like
- charity work: lots of people down at the soup kitchen, the local thrift shop, etc
You'll feel better for doing good things for people who need good things.
And you'll also feel better because it'll give you a truer baseline to look at your own life. Are there things you want to change? Sure! But it's easy to forget what you've got, viscerally.
IMHO, a huge part of suburban malaise is losing touch with what the worst life problems look like. Which isn't to say your problems aren't valid or real! But is to say that "My life is all problems" happens a lot more when we've forgotten the possibility of not having a roof, food in the fridge, electricity and water on, etc.
This one might be a bit tricky...
I firmly second their advice on seeing a therapist.
As you age “living your best life” will take different forms. You just have to stick with trying to “live your best life”.
Good luck and I hope this discussion here gives you some actionable advice that you can implement.
Just be careful what you are asking for. Non-nerdy people are becoming extremely boring in their 30's. I'm not sure why you would prefer discussing celebrities/sports results/car/superficial politics with good looking people instead of having a great time and connecting with people and not caring about how they look.
Hopefully you can find interesting (/nerdy in the sense they like to learn deeply and methodically about a subject) people in nearly every activity.
Don't listen to this guy. Don't let people keyboard diagnose you. You can go falk to a therapist if you want an actual diagnosis (although you state that you don't, which seems fine to me).
> So let me be the first to tell you that you're depressed
Yup. OP, sounds like you could do well with (and afford) tele-therapy.
Some tips:
- move to a city - things are much much easier in a city as people are more transient, groups aren't as established, and new people arrive all the time
- it sounds like you have some friends - ask them if they have any friends in your area you should meet platonically
- the easiest way to make friends is an activity: you mentioned a hobby, but it can be anything - a running group, the gym, board games, etc. The more non-nerdy, the more likely you are to find non-nerdy people
- if you're like me, you struggle to make friends because it's not "easy" like it was in college. Friends in your 30s take work: reaching out, texting, scheduling, planning, etc.
- it sounds like you're not in therapy. So let me be the first to tell you that you're depressed (that "apathy" you're feeling is depression). Which is fine, it happens us all. But go to therapy because that's how you solve that. Just try it for a month, no pressure.