Drugs win Drug War
New President Feels Nation's Pain, Breasts
Area Man Passionate Defender of What He Imagines Constitution to Be
Awesome Toy Recalled Thanks to Three Stupid Dead Kids
Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again
Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes
https://www.theonion.com/the-onions-1997-man-of-the-year-181...
Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People - https://www.theonion.com/archaeological-dig-uncovers-ancient...
Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land - https://www.theonion.com/study-dolphins-not-so-intelligent-o...
https://www.theonion.com/area-man-always-nostalgic-for-four-...
"Schaumburg Man Dimly Aware Of Shadowy, Non-Schaumburg World Out There"
"Clinton Injected With Highly Unstable Experimental Growth Serum"
"Beer! It kicks ass!"
Lastly, the 9/11 issue is one of their greatest achievements. They struck the perfect balance/tone, avoiding "too soon": https://www.theonion.com/issue-37-34-the-september-11th-issu...
https://www.theonion.com/cia-realizes-its-been-using-black-h...
They also had one that they didn’t run making a joke right after 9/11 to the effect of…
“America Stronger Than Ever, Say Quadragon Officials."
Also the routine “No Way To Prevent This” headline after every mass shooting only continues to gain potency.
https://www.theonion.com/after-obama-victory-shrieking-white...
Which is a shame, because it was the perfect counterpoint to what everybody else was reporting.
Just a full page photo of the plane hitting the tower and a giant headline:
“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!”
Pool politics have torn America apart.
Here in Australia we have to make do with The Shovel
https://theshovel.com.au/2024/04/24/rest-of-world-offers-tru...
I did a quick household poll and, sadly, not one found your comment funny regardless of political affiliation, gender, or species :/
Even the dog yawned.
"More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas"
https://www.theonion.com/more-american-workers-outsourcing-o...
https://www.theonion.com/god-finally-gives-shout-out-back-to...
And a brutal Special Olympics article:
https://www.theonion.com/independent-investigation-special-o...
https://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/clinton-deploys-v...
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
BTW Dan Vebber also wrote a strip for the Daily Cardinal and wrote for The Onion. He went on to write for Buffy and a lot of other shows, currently exec. producer of The Simpsons. He’s also the genius behind The Two Felipes https://www.mkepunk.com/releases/the-two-felipes-eat-your-fi...
https://www.theonion.com/issue-37-34-the-september-11th-issu...
"I'll Try Anything With A Detached Air Of Superiority"
https://www.theonion.com/ill-try-anything-with-a-detached-ai...
> Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled
https://www.theonion.com/archaeological-dig-uncovers-ancient...
"Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Fillm as Fun, Watchable"
https://www.theonion.com/trekkies-bash-new-star-trek-film-as...
"Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets off on Technicality"
https://www.theonion.com/jurisprudence-fetishist-gets-off-on...
I was at UW-Madison when The Onion started. We had a wealth of student newspapers at the time, along with The Daily Cardinal and The Badger Herald. Scott Dikkers and Todd Hanson, writers for The Onion, also wrote great comic strips for the Cardinal (Jim's Journal and Badgers and Other Animals, respectively).
Some favorite Onion headlines that I remember:
https://www.theonion.com/stretch-of-highway-learns-it-was-ad...
https://www.theonion.com/sudanese-14-year-old-has-midlife-cr...
https://www.theonion.com/christ-returns-to-nba-1819563859
And I can't find a link for it, but "Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game".
Incidentally, Jeremy Scahill of The Intercept was also writing for the student newspapers way back in the day, though he was obviously doing political stuff and not comedy.