And I agree with you. I think, for a lot of these guys, if you literally never ever get a good chance, then of course that you go into "monk mode". I only fell in love the first time at 22, because I met a girl who I found amazing. The second time at 28, again because I very randomly met a girl who was amazing.

This is a classic, I've heard people say stuff like this in basically every country that I visited. I don't think it is something that can be measured, it's just something super subjective and a bit of a stereotype.

From my experience, I've noticed that typically individuals will say this of people with their same nationality (or from their own country in general). The same individuals will then argue that "Oh, I've been in country X and girls/boys are way easier to date" but I don't think that is related to the country itself.

I am Portuguese - Brazilian. The gap between meeting and making new friends is gargantuan between the two countries. You can meet Brazilians for an hour or two and they’ll invite you to some gathering at their home. Portuguese people will do this less. And I’ve lived in England where this is even harder to make friends. London is the loneliest city in Europe and where people have the lowest average number of friendships.

It’s not just a stereotype. There are HUGE cultural differences.

BUT there always exceptions (a lot of exceptions actually), and you shouldn't change your country based only on that. It is easy to find exceptions, shy people on Brazil, extroverts on Portugal, people who want something serious, or just date you a few times. The world is very diverse and there is a LOT of people that you can talk too. I can't say that these cultural differences make that big of a difference to be honest

Are you sure? Living in the nordic countries, I find it difficult to believe it... Swedes make Britons look extremeley outgoing and open.

"We all tend to mistake the limits of our experience for the limits of the world"

What I'm saying is that the vast majority of people think that place is where they live.

People are nice enough, just not "friendly"

Where would you go to make friends of either sex? That's a good starting place.

Hospitals

Grocery stores

That's all I got.

As a basic filter for activities, look for things where many people participate in physical proximity, the activity has periods of intense focus and then lulls, and without a taboo on talking. It helps if the activity attracts the type of people you want to meet, and it also interests you.

Don't bring a phone or other distraction for the periods of non-focus, use that time to probe for socialization.

First, dress like Harry Styles. Then, go to a Harry Styles concert, where the gender ratio is guaranteed to be in your favor. Then say "hey what's your name?" to any given girl/woman. The girl woman will inevitably interrogate you, it doesn't matter what the question is, the answer is "I admire Harry's fashion sense, i'm a bit obsessed, are you into fashion?"

Boom, match made.

The issue I used to have (and still have) is a yearning for the world to be different and for the female sex to be not so mid.

A huge percent of the women you are interested in have been obsessed with that guy for the last 10 years or more (specifically 2011 when "That's What Makes You Beautiful" song was released) If you can drug or drink yourself into becomig mid, you have nailed the secret strategy that all the guys with cute girls have achieved.

You should engage in an activity that you enjoy for its own sake. Don't take up dance class, for instance, if you aren't actually interested in learning to dance.

Don't "go looking for women". That is, don't try to be a pickup artist. Make an effort to be generally social, but don't focus just on the ladies. Be generally social. Talk to the men as well as the women.

And there’s tons of women at dance classes.

Clearly the activities they enjoy do not involve meeting women. For me, this translates to weight lifting (few women lift; if there are women, there is a trope for creepy gym guy and there isn’t much socialization outside of the men’s locker room) or coding (another solo experience).

Try new things. Try things that are social and are uncomfortable for introverts. It’s the only way you can find the results you want.

I want to stress just how difficult both of these things can be -- especially the second part. It's truly a journey where you end up changing your entire mindset to become a person who is going to make a good partner for another human being. You must not feel pressured to do it, or resentful that you are doing it. You must choose wholeheartedly to do it. It's going to feel awkward and strange along the way.

Women can tell when guys are doing that, and it's generally off-putting.

Also, social events connected in some way to people you already know (both family and friends) provide an incredibly high degree of optionality in all sorts of ways, including potential relationships.

As others have noted, besides improving yourself and becoming a person people would want to be with, a very effective method of finding a lifelong romantic relationship is to run the relational equivalent of a sales funnel. (1) Be intentional/strategic about meeting a lot of new people using methods mentioned above; even keep a monthly tally and try to increase it past 5, 10, or even 20 per month (where "meet" means you have a conversation where you exchange names and talk a little). (2) Be willing to go on a date with anyone who's safe and interested once. You'll likely be surprised and discover that some types of people are a lot more interesting than you had thought previously. (3) Continue dating a person you're interested in after the first date, until you decide that person isn't going to be it. The more people there are at the top of the funnel, the more selective you can be, and the less you'll be tempted to commit to someone too early just because you want to be in a relationship.

- population density: the more opportunities to connect with someone, the better. A densely packed city selects (or transforms others into) people who are open to meeting others. This also makes it the natural default to be within talking distance of someone; consider the opposite: you’re sitting in a coffee shop with enough square feet to comfortably fit 30 people, but there’s only you and 3 other people there — you’d have to conspicuously walk 15+ paces over to say hello to someone you’re interested in.

- transience: a city that is full of people who must be outgoing in order to not be alone means that you in turn will fit right in by being similarly outgoing and social. You’re looking for somewhere that people often immigrate to, or has a job market that brings people in from elsewhere, etc. You’ll be able to go out solo, make some friends along the way, and you just doing your thing will eventually attract the attention of someone in the room.

- walking-friendly: the more time you’re sitting in a car, the less time you’re surrounded by people. If you have someone giving you eyes while your walking down the sidewalk, that’s a perfect opportunity for a spontaneous date — but that will only happen if, you know, there are actually people walking around outside.

- social events: are there parks? Flea markets? Food trucks? Outside movie screenings or live performances? Food festivals? Meetups catering to your interests? Anything that gets people out and bumping into each other?

I’ve had fantastic long term relationships with people that I met in line at the airport, or at the coffee shop, and other miscellaneous random encounters. But your choice of city and its culture will determine the probability that you’ll hit off with someone that you randomly meet, and the odds that you’ll randomly bump into anyone at all in the first place.

I’m presently living in Dallas, Texas again (where I was born and raised), after having lived in DC and NY. Would not recommend anything similar: majority of people here have friend groups from their childhood and aren’t really looking to meet new people; coffee shops and other establishments are incredibly spacious (because land is cheap and people here generally want space from others, rather than e.g. communal bench seating); there aren’t many outdoors social events; you have to drive to go anywhere; etc. Only reason I moved back was due to some health stuff that I have since gotten over .

I suppose you could do online dating, but I’m not really a fan. If you have dozens of people lining up for a date with you, I feel that it screws up your perspective at the beginning, as you break prospects down into a matrix of pros and cons and try to prioritize who you go on a date with next — sucks the magic out of meeting someone. Vs bumping into someone, make eye contact briefly, look away for a moment, and then find that you both did a double take at the exact same time: there’s just you and that other person caught up in the chemistry of the moment.

But the most important: Through friends. Trying to make regular friends and expanding your social circle increases the chances of being invited to private gatherings, where you can meet more people and so on.

That process is, in my opinion, the most enjoyable part of any new friendship anyway.

I tried skiing through which i met tons of people but very few single women. Tried bjj, no women at all. Hiking and camping groups, again no single women. I still do all of these activities but very few women. I've actually never met a woman ,single or otherwise, mountain biking, which is my main goto in summer.

Truth is that women don't generally do a lots of activities.

I don't think this is significantly true.

I made friends through those clubs, though, and never dated anyone from there.

I'd strongly disagree with this. They seem to be organising and doing things constantly, in my experience (married 40s male).

Generally as a result of being active and sociable, you become a person people want to be around. You can't give off a 'desperate to meet girls' vibe, so focusing on too many details can work against you.

I met my wife volunteering for a charity. Heavy bias of female to male in the volunteer group. Regular meetings to keeping seeing the same group and getting to know each other.

My cousin who is an underemployed balding middle aged divorcee (at times living with his mother - cue George from Seinfeld) met his current long term girlfriend on a skiing trip.

Granted this was somewhere in the Alps. Also my cousin is awesome at smalltalk and unrealistic business ideas.

they are all paired up

My boss's boss's boss put it this way: no one is spinning around in his chair at his desk, twiddling his thumbs, thinking, "_When_ will Tom ask me to meet over coffee?" But if you send him a note, and ask politely, and convey earnestness, odds are good he will meet you for coffee.

Which reminds me, I once asked this beautiful woman out, not thinking she'd say yes, but she did. We had a good run.

I do remember in my younger days approaching someone on the bus .. in a friendly, non-creepy way. It didn't go anywhere but we did become friends for a short period. I just don't think it is okay approaching women generally in places like the bus because it is not okay to make them feel creeped out.

Streets, transportation -- these are low-filter interstices. Maximum wariness is warranted, really regardless of sex.

If you're not interested in going to the club, bar, art class -- what are you interested in? Seriously. It's tough. If your hobbies are sticking your head in the sand / introspective study (mine are), you will need to jump outside your comfort zone or else expect some degree of social resignation.

It depends on how bad you are at following rules #1 (be attractive) and #2 (don't be ugly). If poorly enough, then even a coffee invite will get you fired with a sexual harassment suit following you around for the rest of your life.

Those are imaginary rules. Physical attractiveness isn't as important as many people think. Charm and confidence are much more important.

> even a coffee invite will get you fired with a sexual harassment suit following you around for the rest of your life.

No, it won't, unless you're actually engaging in sexual harassment.

If you do this often enough, you’ll develop a group of regulars who will also want to do fun things and you can get one of them to host.

Be the first mover.

Maybe nerdy people's choices of solo hobbies are downstream of social anxiety or social skills deficits. I've made a ton of progress there in my twenties, and there's no movement in my desire to go dancing or pottery-making or whatever, so I dunno.

I also think there's also some kind of subconscious relationship between social status and taste, such that most people end up with preferences that feel real and also just so happen to help them connect with their peer group. I mean, how is it that so many teenagers become obsessed with the same music their friends do? Music is between me and Spotify, alone in my room at night. I go to a concert & see people there who look like me, but not a single acquaintance in my Facebook social graph would have the artist in common (even back when that was a thing) so who am I going to invite?

I won't sit here and pretend to have totally authentic and uninfluenced preferences. But the ones I can trace, I trace to like, my dad. Or Hacker News. Seems like that mechanism misfired.

Doesn't matter, invite them anyway. Explain your circumstances - that you're looking to get out of the house and you really like the artist and enjoy the vibe of said person you're talking to. Repeat until you get a yes. If you get a rejection, say that you're trying to be more social and just want to get out and meet people as friends, because they have friends. Tell them why you like that artist and that they should give them a listen and see what they think. Some people enjoy discovering new music and will appreciate your introduction to a really awesome band they've never heard of before.

So, they avoid trying to engage in other activities and treat newbies with suspicion. Outside of "nerd" circles, it is normal to engage in activities for social reasons only.

> I mean, how is it that so many teenagers become obsessed with the same music their friends do?

Their friends recommend them music and they check it out. They recommend music to friends. They engage with music friends like unless they absolutely hate it. Algorithms show them similar music too.

They go to concerts of artists they know nothing about, just to be there with friends.

Have those people forgotten that for literally everything they do now, they started as a clueless newbie just checking it out?

Amazing.

I would say you should enjoy doing the thing, but you don't have to be even a little good at it.

I really hurts to say that I completely failed. I saw lots of friends getting girls so easily while the girls I approached seemed to be offended by me even trying. I did end up having a couple of short relationships with women I was completely unattracted to, unfortunately... but of course, it couldn't last.

I made it my number one priority to find a wife (now I was past 30's already). So I started online dating, which I found miserable and humiliating. Nothing much came of it. Until I finally went on international sites. Likely, most of it was scam, but basically the first woman I started communicating seriously with became my wife, eventually... funny how things go.

But at the cost of me having to move to another country, something I had no intention of doing... but as my number one priority, I made the sacrifice of moving and leaving everything behind, as she told me from the beginning she would not move for me.

We're still married, more than 10 years later, but I really miss "home", and even though she's quite good to me, I wouldn't say we're a perfect match... I had to give up not just the country where I lived, but things like having children (she doesn't want any) and visiting my family often (she doesn't like them). Everyone knows I moved just because of my wife, and it feels horrible to me because, truth be told, there are so many gorgeous women where I came from and they know it too :(.

I am at least happy I didn't end up alone.

All I am saying is: if you think it'll just happen naturally... well, it won't... but be careful how far you're willing to go to make it happen. Maybe it's not worth it.