Definitely this.
We let work take way too much time from our lives.
If you count commuting, the minimum 8 hours at work (more like minimum 10) then work can eat up to 12 hrs/day.
On top of that us 'knowledge workers' carry our work around in our heads all the time.
It's not as though after 8hrs we just put the wrench down and go home, no the ongoing problems of work follow us around and even toss and turn us in our dreams sometimes.
To me this is unacceptable.
The way that we employ our working hours is a waste of time[1] on a colossal scale, and for little benefit to humanity most of the time.
[1] Literally the finite precious time we each have on earth.
This is one of the sad realization one must have at some point. Reminds me of Bukowski's Factotum[1] where Bukowski mentions that we're selling our most precious item: our time.
> “You haven’t been busting your ass, Chinaski.”
> I stared down at my shoes for some time. I didn’t know what to say. Then I looked at him. “I’ve given you my time. It’s all I’ve got to give—it’s all any man has. And for a pitiful buck and a quarter an hour.”
> “Remember you begged for this job. You said your job was your second home.”
> “…my time so that you can live in your big house on the hill and have all the things that go with it. If anybody has lost anything on this deal, on this arrangement…I’ve been the loser. Do you understand?”
I think this quote is valid whatever your paycheck. If you're working full time you're probably getting screwed in the deal.
[1]: some quotes: https://p1x3l.com/story/214/bukowski-factotum
As many people who done both labour and knowledge work could tell, there isn't that much of a difference.
The average commute will be somewhere in the middle, sure. But just tossing out that work takes half of most people's day is disingenuous - it only does that if you let it, and if you choose not to live close to your office. I understand that's not always an option, especially in SF/NYC, but if you're willing to base your housing choices in part on where you're working, it's generally not difficult to have a sub-30 minute one-way commute.
And letting work keep you up at night is 100% a choice.
I disagree with you, especially with our field: you take work home. Even if you don't want, you can't disconnect and stop thinking about work as soon as your working hours are done. The only time where I can really disconnect is when I'm on holidays, and this usually happens after a week of holidays.
I also found it unacceptable. I'm definitely going to start planning for life, not for work.
You neglect the other 8 hours in a day, and you aren't alone in that. I have a ton of coworkers who do their 8, go home and watch tv and have a beer, then go to bed.
Meanwhile I'm going on short hikes, taking classes or hitting the gym, or going to shows and meeting new people.
With kids, the equation is obviously different (at least the eight hours of sleep portion) but you can take the little one to the park, to play dates with other kids, and occasionally non-kid focused events (the last beer fest I went to seemed to have several kids running about).
At the end of the day you have to prioritize how to spend your time and use it fully. It is harder then just watching tv and having a beer, but much more rewarding. Take classes, volunteer, be social. Your time is limited, always use it well.
OK, that's a little harsh to my coworkers: I get along with them well enough, and after I or they leave the company I'll probably add some of them on Facebook, but that doesn't change the fact that I have no energy for people I know outside of work.
On the occasion I do have the energy to go out to a bar or something, then I have to choose between socialization and spending time on my hobbies. I can spend a few hours after work at the bar... or I could spend them at home reading more of a novel or hacking at one of my personal projects. Back when I was in college, I had plenty of time to do both. I could hang out with friends and then go and do stuff on my own at home. Now that I'm out of college, I have to choose, and having to choose sucks.
Just like you wouldn't go to a gym and deadlift 300lbs cold, you're not going to get off work and run a social club in your free time - but if you put in the consistent work, you can absolutely get there.
I'm guessing you're right - you _can_ do it (the same way people in medical residency can force themselves to work 80 hour workweeks), but will it ever feel pleasant and not like a chore? I can go out with friends in the evening after work, but I'll be a bit slow and groggy.
And this is why the weekends are typically much busier than weekday evenings at restaurants and other social locations.
Honestly I find all types of commuting exhausting in different ways, except possibly a medium-to-long trip on a nicer train, where I can use my laptop (mostly) how I would in a hotel room.
It will probably never happen, but in my view the next major worker's rights advancement should be some kind of amelioration of the commute factor, either by employers or the government. It's probably more than half the reason I left my last job.
I've always believed that making things 'feel more fair' tends to motivate at least some workers to put in extra effort more enthusiastically.
Also, no one is ever stuck. On your time for self care you have to make an effort. This is a lesson you simply have to learn. I know I have.
I'll sit and have hours-long conversation with other parents of my kids' friends'. Pretty meaningful conversations. I'm not even entirely sure of their names.
My lifestyle is already shifting me out of the no-kid lifestyle (and therefore friends who don't have kids) by default.
I don't know, maybe you need to be more particular about where you work.
I tend to go out a lot on my own, and over the past three years or so I've made maybe two friends. Not close friends mind you, but people I feel comfortable shooting a message out of the blue just to see if they want to meet up and shoot the breeze.
During the same three years however, I've made a conscious effort to meet new friends but it's a hard shell to penetrate. People already have their circles, or maybe they think you have ulterior motives (e.g. "I already have a partner" or "we're not looking to hire".) It seems to me that as people grow into their 30s, they grow cynical to the point of almost closing themselves off.
I have a much easier time making friends who are in the 40s or 50s, or younger people in their 20s – neither group which I can really feel entirely comfortable just hanging out with.
I've taken up video games over the past year. It's hard to find quality conversation while shooting imaginary characters on screen, but at least I've been able to find enough people that there's at least one or two people online that I can have a casual conversation with while mashing buttons. This helps somewhat, but it's a far cry from in-person social interaction.
There's also another reason for that: they don't have to take care of kids. Young singles and old empty-nesters are the best people to hang out with. Most people my age either have kids or are newlyweds, neither of which is conducive to hanging out with people.
Though I'd probably go with "50s or 60s" over "40s or 50s", just because older people are more likely to be empty-nesters. Or if their kids are still living with them, they're adults who don't need any kind of supervision.
I... man, I hate working at places like that. And I don't very often; I suppose it's the privilege of having in-demand skills and living in a place with a wide choice of employers, but yeah, I've had jobs like that and I got out quick. The vast majority of places I've worked came with sort of built in friend groups. I mean, "work friends" are different from real friends, but it is a built in social group that pretty much has to be friendly to you unless you do thing that are outlandishly unacceptable. And sometimes 'work friends' turns in to real friends.
Friendship and competition can go together, and they usually do. I mean, look at normal people and sports, or academic high achievers and academics. If you can't compete without being friends, you either need to work on yourself or you need to compete with different people.
As technical individual contributors, I personally don't feel a strong sense of competition, for that matter. In my experience, you get more points by telling the boss something true and good about a co-worker than you do for telling the boss something true and bad about a co worker. I mean, we all know, if you want to really get ahead, you switch jobs, right? and yes, in the abstract, you are competing with your co-workers for those other jobs, but you rarely know who else is interviewing for a particular position.
But my own experience is that work is way better for meeting friends than high school.
(I mean, unless by friends, you mean dates... which is a different sort of thing, and yeah, I personally don't have the social skills to date people I work with, so I avoid that whole can of worms)
Women tend to have more than men over 30, and it is true that the number of new one's fomed tends to decrease from the youthful stage, where other patterns are more prominent (practicing mature social roles through play, etc).
Much of it is likely evolved, though there is definitely a large culural and environmental component.
I don't think anything changed dramatically in the last 60 or so years on this point, even with the development of social media; by the time you're 30, you're basically done making friends.
The article glossed over it, but in your childhood and teens, you're surrounded by a new group of people every 5 or so years, and just through sheer quantity, you're likely to make at least a few friends. Throw on team sports, extracurriculars, clubs, and the ease of introductions in a school environment, and it's almost impossible not to make a few friends all the way into your late 20s.
Somewhere around when you turn 25 or so, though, without substantial effort, things stabilize. If you were going to leave your home, you probably did, and you're settled in. You and your old friends start to marry and have kids, and both of these occupy your free time (and theirs). You may have bought a house or found a job you want to settle into for a while, with plans to stick around for several years.
For at least 8 hours of your day, you are at work, interacting with people in an environment toxic for creating trusting friendships (You're competing for the same roles, titles, bonuses, etc.), and worse, these people you're competing with are almost always the exact same people, so if you're not really friends with any of them immediately, that's basically never going to change.
With the remaining time in your evenings, you'll also settle into a routine. You won't be playing sports anymore, and if you have hobbies, you'll generally be doing them with the same small consistent set of people in your area, assuming you do them with others at all.
So, in short, if your 8-hour workday isn't a time to make friends, and you're not interacting with people in a way that leads to making friends in your 8-hour evenings, when the hell do you expect to be making your friends over 30, during your 8-hours asleep?