My cousin was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc, so she ended up not going. I went. I said to him "hey this situation really sucks". We had a great conversation. He died. I'm really glad I went.
Fast forward a few years and my uncle (his dad) was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc. I said "you remember what happened last time. Just go." She went[1]. It was a good way to bring finality and say goodbye to her brother and she was really glad she went.
[1] I also went separately but that's slightly beside the point
Later a friend was dying and when she could no longer talk, I'd head out for a walk and just describe what I could see, what my plans were, and great things I remembered from our past - I wasn't able to visit, but her parents said she really enjoyed the voice notes she got - almost as much as the visitors.
But if you can see people, just do it. Not long ago my mum decided to try and visit a whole heap of friends across England, just as she realised after my dad died, that she never knew the last time she'd see these people - and wanted it to be occasions they both enjoyed, before too much time had passed. I loved the idea.
I put my money on the mother because people do weak stuff like that all the time. Can’t get over a little awkwardness to do the right thing because people aren’t self aware and fragile.
I don’t understand people. If someone is suffering and wants to commit suicide then people call them selfish, but a fully grown woman can’t visit her dying brother because it’s awkward and I’m the asshole for calling it out?
Why do people always take the perspective of the person not suffering?
She also wasn’t seriously thinking about not going, just needed a bit of extra encouragement.
If you wouldn't mind reviewing https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html and taking the intended spirit of the site more to heart, we'd be grateful.
Edit: we've had to ask you this before - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41803731. If you can't or don't want to respect the site guidelines, we're going to have to ban you, but I'd rather not do that, so it would be better if you'd please recalibrate.
Just show up. Help out if you can (bring food).
If they want to talk they’ll talk. If they don’t they still had the option.
I watched Lars and the Real Girl with some people who grew up on the west coast. There’s a scene after a funeral where these two little old ladies come over, bring food, and just knit and occupy space, so he’s not alone. I said that’s the most midwestern thing I’ve ever seen in a Hollywood movie. And it still pretty much is.
I’m a Catholic and admittingly I fall short of it, perhaps I should take a page from our Lutheran brothers.. Thanks for sharing!
He also has a great talk with Sam Harris that's worth a listen.
Thank you for bringing this up. To add to that ... sometimes, circumstances (i.e. long distances) dictate that only 1 of those trips can be made and they may have to choose.
I had a family member with a terminal illness and a friend of the family from out of state decided to visit 2 months before the end to say goodbyes. They were elderly and on a fixed income so they could only budget the money for 1 trip. As a result, they had to skip the funeral. From my standpoint, they made the correct choice of prioritizing the conversation with a living person instead of attending a funeral.
They showed up in a funeral not because of her, but because they were afraid of what others would say about them if they didn't show up.
This is the sad reality of human behaviour in this day and age.
That’s like, your opinion man. You are in control of that. Such a negative view is a choice. You can focus on something positive instead.
Our connected world allows families to stay in touch with almost zero friction. I get multiple updates weekly on my nieces and nephews even though they live hundreds of miles away.
I have hundreds of photos and videos at my fingertips.
I only get two or three in person visits a year. Connectivity is our only way to maintain… connection.
GP stated explicitly they have a theory about something that is causing people to behave differently. You can call that an opinion if you'd like. You can not believe the theory and instead blame that person's "choice," which is also "your opinion man." Your anecdote isn't very relevant to the theory in a thread full of people talking to the contrary.
Yes and I disagree that connectivity is inherently negative or even overwhelming.
> You can call that an opinion if you'd like.
This “theory” is totally unsubstantiated so is no more than an opinion.
> You can not believe the theory and instead blame that person's "choice," which is also "your opinion man."
Yes. That’s exactly what I did.
> Your anecdote isn't very relevant to the theory in a thread full of people talking to the contrary.
I don’t find the volume of an argument compelling.
There are big positives about having an abundance of food, but along with that we get type 2 diabetes and plenty of other health problems. Trying to understand the cause of these health problems does not mean one wishes to return to an era of widespread starvation and malnutrition. I suppose you have the same criticism for the doctors who began theorizing that an excess of carbs/sugar was causing problems? After all, plenty of people enjoy sugary desserts and lots of families get quality time together eating them around the dinner table. I don't see why those doctors had to choose to have such a negative view. Ignoring the problem would have been better, no?
I agree with you that always on communication can be overwhelming. When that communication is negative it affects our emotions negatively. So why continue to add negativity? That’s the choice.
1. Life is busy, it's hard to find time, and easy to put off 2. They are anxious about what to say, and it really sucks going to places where people die. 3. There are a lot of people who show up to funerals because they are trying to support the friends and family of the deceased and don't really have any relationship with the deceased. My friends parents for instance. I don't really feel an obligation to visit my friends parent's I barely know, but would want to show up to the funeral to support my friends.
"Go to the funeral" isn't just about the funeral. It's a specific example of "if you have a chance to show up for someone, show up for them: even if (maybe _especially_ if) it's awkward or inconvenient".
Yes, I think so too.
I've seen this with a relative with dementia - many people just weren't aware that she had no contact with them anymore due to this.
I've been meaning to visit her for the past five years, but never got around to it - and now never will.
I got so much time with him just before he passed. It was truly a blessing, even though he was already a huge part of my childhood, to get one last hurrah before I entered adulthood and he... well, took the next step.
I'm not a religious person, I don't honestly think there's an afterlife, and on this point my parents disagree. Maybe they would've made more time to visit him if they weren't sure he was going to a better place and they'd see him again.
I lost family members the day after having phone calls, or planning stuff to do together the upcoming weekend.
Leaving something to do later instead of now, that later might be too late.
Maybe they were there when you weren't there and they're asking the same question about you? Maybe your aunt never really thought to bring up that so-and-so had come to visit while you were there, so then as far as you know, nobody came to visit? Maybe they called, sure it's not the same as visiting but it's something.
It's true though, as humans we tend to not think about things and other people until they are gone. Don't be angry and upset, if anything, pity them for not having the time that you had.
No.
She complained about not seeing anyone. She had a clear mind and we talked a lot about her friends and family.
Funerals are for the living, it's strengthening your friendships and relationships.
This is the point the article is trying to make. Parties and gatherings matter, don't confuse your birthday, Brit Milah or funeral being about you. It's selfish not have these ceremonies, they are about community and others.
It's a long road getting society more community focused again.
My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor.
Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the past three years? She was alone (after her husband died) and most of you never visited her since (and no they were not living far away or unable to visit).
Go to the funeral yes, but don't wait until.