You might have come to believe, for instance, that you're fundamentally "different" or "unlovable", and that you can't expect to be socially accepted or loved.
These core beliefs, these schemata, are difficult but possible to change. Schema Therapy has had empirical success at doing so.
The subjective experience of changing a maladaptive schema is like teleporting from a miserable planet to a strange but much happier, more loving planet. You can be (much) happier than you think; you're just stranded on a miserable planet, one that would make anybody sad.
I'd suggest checking out Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young: it provides the tools you need to get to that happier planet, where you can feel safer and loved and accepted.
This is ~equivocally~ unequivocally false. The portion of the brain that develops emotional intelligence forms during your formative years and can learn to be put in a depressive mindset.
* https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5984129/
* https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6132040/
> Humans are likely the most emotionally regulated creatures on earth. Compared to other animal species, we can modulate and modify emotional reactions and experiences, even very intense ones, through a large and sophisticated emotion regulation repertoire that includes skills of distraction, reappraisal, language, prediction, social interaction, suppression, and more.1–5 At times, these skills require effort, and at other times, they seem reflexive and automatic. But what are some of the variables in this sophisticated emotion regulation repertoire? The parent of any toddler or even adolescent can attest to the very slow development of emotion regulation processes. This slow development has been documented in empirical research, which also notes the large individual differences from one person’s ability or style of emotion regulation to another’s. Evolutionarily speaking, this slow development of emotion regulation ability in childhood that culminates in an exquisite ability in adulthood points to the benefits of a slow-maturing emotion regulation system. Indeed, humans are not only a highly emotionally regulated species, but they are slowly developing in general, relative to other species, 6 with a prolonged period of immaturity. Phylogenetically, slow development may confer benefits through an extended period of neural plasticity—a feature of a developing neural system that heightens its ability to learn from the environment. If so, then humans may owe their sophisticated emotion regulation skills to the “extension” of childhood that has evolved in us. The nature, chronicity, and quality of environmental inputs during these periods of plasticity, in particular those from close relationships (e.g., parents, friends, teachers), in large part determine emotion regulation functioning in adulthood.7 Thus, adult brain and behavioral function in this regard can be conceptualized as a historical reflection of what was experienced during development. To fully appreciate individual differences in adult emotion regulation skills, then, it is helpful to understand how the brain develops.
I had to lookup "formidable" in case it was a specialized term, but I think it's a typo. Nevertheless, I like it better this way.
There's also a difference between traumatic experiences (such as you moving somewhere new at 10 and struggling with isolation and being bullied) and how you may have psychologically adapted to these situations. But nothing you've mentioned implies that your brain can "learn to be put into a depressive mindset" -- it's more the case that strenuous challenges that haven't been addressed, or moved past, or evolved from, will continue to cause problems until work is gradually done to address them.
I have always felt it's similar to musculoskeletal issues. You can do a lot of damage to your lower back by sitting at a desk all day, or to your wrists by typing at an angle that causes repetitive strain. That damage can be "mitigated" in different ways -- medication, surgery, physical rehabilitation. While the last one is most difficult, it's also the most effective because you're training the mind-muscle connection at the point where it's fragility is causing and compounding structural damage.
Even as people get older, until they reach very old age, it's rare for these kinds of MSK problems to occur in ways that cannot be unwound by adherence to physical therapy and a good exercise regimen. I think the same is true for our minds. As you mention in an earlier comment, if you do something that makes you happy, you feel happy for that time before drifting back to depression. But that in and of itself may be the point -- if you are constantly doing things which make you happy, it may not be immediate, but eventually you can re-orient your brain you being default-happy with depressive episodes rather than the other way around. That doesn't make it easy, of course, nor is there a one time fix.
What is the practical difference between saying "learnt to be put in a depressive mindset" and "psychologically adapted to these situations"? Psychiatrists don't need to be so technical when explaining the differences to people. I'm only framing the conversation in a colloquial manner such that non-psych majors will understand them. In some manner I've "learned" to be in a depressive mindset. And, through repetition, I can "un-learn" it.
> Even as people get older, until they reach very old age, it's rare for these kinds of MSK problems to occur in ways that cannot be unwound by adherence to physical therapy and a good exercise regimen... if you are constantly doing things which make you happy, it may not be immediate, but eventually you can re-orient your brain you being default-happy with depressive episodes rather than the other way around.
I'm not disputing this. The times where I am the happiest is when I'm in my routine of working out and playing tennis. But when I get out of my routine, I fall back into the depressive habits. It's hard to stay consistent. Maybe if I stay consistent for long enough, my default will not be depressed. But I have yet to be consistent for long enough to reach that point.
You are just being an asshole by trying to show off your technical knowledge in the subject, which is not helping anyone.
Was bullied between ages 11-16. Grew a a social circle in high school, which started fragmenting once everyone went off to university. I rarely if ever see any of them anymore.
Before the bullying, I was aparently happy and excited for most things (according to siblings). After it I have always been the low energy serious guy.
20 years on I feel an intense need for human connection, but no matter how much I try I never seem to be able to cultivate any kind of lasting relationship with others.
It's a pretty messed up condition to deal with, especially because even the mere perception of potentially being rejected can cause disproportionate reactions.
More recently people after seeking specialists (not just general doctors) are getting diagnosed as ADHD (inattentive usually) and these meds are having positive impact whereas their previous diagnosis of borderline or bipolar weren't. Buzzfeed News did an article about it but I can't find the link.
This isn't to say ADHD and BPD can't co-exist! Their co-existence however would probably project itself in more extreme ways due to BPD being more consistent and overt in the display of instabilities and self-harm. BPD would sort of override a lot of ADHD symptoms due to not being extreme enough. Someone with ADHD might feel like their friends don't like them due to not replying to text messages, but will be fine if told otherwise. If the same happened to a BPD they would convince themselves that their friends are lying and deep down want to abandon them, and would likely take action in the form of either self-harm or being mean to those friends.
But you can see how there is a bit of overlap when it comes to self-image and how untreated ADHD that permeates can start looking a lot like BPD.
I used to run a startup focused on this, here is what I learned:
Time. The answer is time. Research shows there are two ways long term bonds are formed, shared adversity[1], or lots of time spent together. General rule of thumb for relationship building:
1. 10 hours together is someone you know 2. 100 hours together is a good acquittance. 3. 1000 hours together is a good friend and a relationship that can now last a long time
This is why activities such as football watching (3*18, 54 hours a year, 2 years and you now have the beginnings of a good friends circle), or weekly poker matches (2 hours, almost 100 hours in a year) are so effective at building relationships.
Interpersonal hobbies with lots of down time, like rock climbing or playing in a band, accelerate this process greatly.
For people with kids, weekly play dates, or a weekly rotated dinner hosting.
Friendship is literally grinding hours, when we are young it is easy, studying and hanging out get those hours in, but when we get older, we have to be purposeful about it.
[1] Military boot camps are an example of this, so are the various culture wars. If you make people feel they are part of an oppressed group, preferably while isolating them from society at large, you will forms a cohesive group that acts together and one where everyone feels connected to each other. "Both sides" of the political spectrum do this, once you learn to spot it you start seeing it everywhere.
Hockey is different but you still have a team working towards a goal, literally! With a good group of people, good as in nice people, not skilled, you win and lose as a team. Plus the on bench and locker room time means you get to know one another over time.
Cycling is different for me, it is a solo experience and as a result I don't have any friends in that world.
Cycling is different for me, it is a solo experience and as a result I don't have any friends in that world.
I started cycling and was amazed at how social it was (albeit living in a town with a sizable cycling community). In my youth I was a swimmer, and although there is a lot of shared experience/adversity and friendship on any sports team, there's a lot less socializing that can be done while your head is underwater!
It's so lonely being a goalie sometimes. We never get any bench chat except for the short intermissions.
Do you have any references in mind?
It's an easy place to meet 30-40 people in a day, everyone there has different interests and comes from different walks of life. If you attend for a few weeks you'll often start attending lunch together, meeting out at some activities, etc. Plus, all you have to do is show up. People at a church tend to be outgoing, at least some of them are. Someone is bound to reach out to you if you sit there and drink a coffee.
Everybody else "tolerated" the heck out of my gender-bewildered, 'spergie self from the messed up family, but it was the Catholics who finally showed me a love that would actually sacrifice something for my sake. Up until then, I sincerely believed "love" was like "Santa Claus" - a nice story you tell children, but nobody actually believes when they grow up.
Are there some Catholics who wouldn't know love if it came back from the dead? Absolutely. But there are others who stake their lives and well-being on the belief that love is at the center of everything, and wow are they worth meeting.
There are lots of suffering in the world caused by systemic factors. If you think all that matters is that God loves YOU and EVERYBODY then you will probably not spend much time thinking about the systemic causes of suffering, and how to alleviate them.
The thing about religion is it mostly advocates keeping the status quo as is. Religion doesn't demand that you use your brain does it? Whereas if you are serious about making the world a better place then you MUST use your brain.
I know, there is something called Liberation Theology:
https://www.religion-online.org/article/an-evangelical-theol...
"...central biblical doctrines is that God is on the side of the poor and the oppressed. Tragically, evangelical theology has largely ignored this doctrine"
Right...
lol really? Define evil. I view evil as anything that leads to disorder in the world (death, destruction, etc); churches do not do that - they often build people up, build in the community, etc.
> I find it difficult to believe that someone who is depressed needs to hear that they're a sinner heading to hell unless they accept whatever precepts the particular church is pushing.
I'm fairly certain 99% of them preach the opposite?
They'll say "here are all the bad things we do", "we are saved because we attempt to do good and believe in God [or if christian - Jesus sacrificed himself for all people, living and dead]"
Christians really preach self-reflection and atonement - aka be humble. Frankly, the world can use more of that.
As a note I went to church every sunday growing up - my parents (not religious) did it for exactly the reasons you described. Because we weren't religious there are some things that aren't a good fit even if its with other kids (confirmation meetings - I was very reasonably asked not to attend after asking questions because I was confused about the whole thing). There is a wide range of religious orthodoxy as well - plenty of mellower denominations.
While indeed time is important, it does not mean that merely spending time with somebody creates a friendship between you. It is more the quality of the time than time itself and, sadly, often our lives do not make quality easy to find. Especially regarding "hobbies and interests", personally I have found that relationships formed just through them tend to be more superficial and lasting less than relationships which are formed in a multitude of contexts and circumstances rather than simply spending time on one interest. They are good ways to meet new people, but for me an analogue of watching football together 2 or 10 hours per week and not other common context has never really worked out.
I like the approach of this blog post bellow on this. I think that especially the part of sharing life struggles together to be quite important.
That blog's point to ask for help to create connections is a classic technique, super effective as well. Neighbors asking to borrow small things from each other is a great example of this bit of psychology in action.
Anyway, even though I only spent a couple of hours with my fellow passengers on that boat, I felt more bonded to them than most people I met in almost a year backpacking and stayed in touch with them for a long time on Facebook.
So interesting that that's some kind of inbuilt thing. Like the OP, I also struggle making friends otherwise like which makes this more curious to me.
Married the first girl who showed me positive attention. I didn't know what a friend for me was, so we're married but not friends.
The hope for you is that I found a group through a local running group. They posted on Facebook and we run weekly. They added me to the group chat last year and it's been amazing having people to chat with and go on runs with.
Going home to someone who you can't have a conversation with is hard though.
Trite advice that worked for me. Find a group of people who do the thing you like as a way to make friends. This group was started by someone just looking to not run alone in town.
I can picture in my head walking up to the running group meetup for the first time, it honestly feels like a new birth after being friendless from grade 7 til age 40+.
Same experiences with psychedelics, haha.
As for relationships, the "one simple trick" for human connection and relationships is that there is no trick, you have to continuously put the work in. It helps if you find activities that you want to do and make friends there. A lot of people find satisfaction in helping other people, so volunteering can be one way to meet new people.
You might face constant rejection at first but you are not unlovable. But if you are nice and kind to others and help others people will value that and think of you in the future.
At some point you will reach critical mass and things will get easier.
If you're struggling, I found graythorn's various assessment resources super helpful, as it systematizes aspects of relationship building that most people find intuitive. Things like "what level of friendship am I with this person" and "assessment on expressing needs and support" were helpful to me. Although these guides are specifically towards autistics, so keep that in mind when you try them.
Contexts to the links is the tiktok account https://www.tiktok.com/@graythornian
A significant amount of people damaged exactly like that run around. It‘s nothing noteworthy nor exceptional. And there is no recognized cure for us.
My pet theory is that through either nature or nurture, we are permanently damaged individuals that won‘t ever experience what we perceive as the normal, healthy social life and mental states. Our brains are permanently altered to our detriment.
Connecting to your anecdote: I am 30 and my mom still mentions what a lively and happy child I was. I wish she wouldn‘t, because it hurts to hear about the potential I squandered, lost or had stolen.
Maybe some other day.
Raves are fun enough as it is. You made the right choice.
I think this negative mentality doesn't help. The sooner you try to live life to the best of your abilities with the cards you've been dealt, the sooner you'll feel better about your present and future. We can't change the past, but we can choose to accept it and move on.
Pretty much all of the available evidence says otherwise. Look into neuroplasticity, developing healthy habits, and exposing yourself to people and situations that are far different than your comfort zone. I’m not the same person I was 20 years ago, and I’m not the person I was ten years ago. If you’re not busy growing, you’re busy dying. Change is the one thing we can count on to improve ourselves. But you have to accept it and get on with it. There are some people out there who have great difficulty changing and growing. Best to confront that now rather than later. Challenge yourself every day, and at the end of a year you’ll look back and laugh at your old self who said they were permanently damaged. Everyone has their unique way of doing this. For me, it’s going to nature and immersing myself in it every day and trying to find the beauty in all things. Find your own way.
My neurologist once said to me "any time you see the phrase 'multiple mechanisms of X' in a medical journal, that's code for 'we have no fucking clue'".
I think losing college friends is inevitable. People get jobs, move, marry, change, etc. Clutching to the friends when life was much simpler might not work now.
The solution would be making more social ties with neighbors, family, acquaintances, hobbyists, etc., and try to find new friendships/relationships within them.
This is exactly right. I'm at the tail end of a long depressive journey that wasn't caused by self-beliefs, distorted thoughts, trauma, etc. Nearly every depression treatment I sought had zero effect.
My problems came about because I had undiagnosed and unappreciated neurological + genetic conditions that created stacking debuffs that made ordinary SWE jobs tax my executive function and deplete my neurotransmitters, eventually leaving me personally and professionally debilitated.
Because I suffered the symptoms for so long before identifying the causes, neurologically I seemed to have entered a new attractor (in dynamical systems terms). I couldn't recover by just discontinuing what brought me there; my neurology kept gravitating towards the new steady-state. (A good chunk of this is black-box reverse engineering what helped me recover)
I've only gotten better by radically changing my circumstances, identifying a crucial supplement, and undergoing a medical procedure.
The eye-opening part of the journey was understanding that because depression is defined by a set of symptoms, receiving a diagnosis doesn't tell you anything at all about what's wrong with you. It only confirms you have a problem at all.
Would you feel comfortable sharing some specifics on what these were for you?
The medical procedure was TMS - I spent ~6 weeks coming in every weekday, had my head strapped into a magnet helmet, and the magnets stimulate the parts of the brain associated with depression. I understand it to be vaguely like jump-starting an engine with a dead battery.
I just had my last session yesterday, and I see huge changes from December.
Crucually, I underwent TMS in 2019 and saw almost no change. At that time, I was still in the abravise career situation, and wasn't on the supplement, so my hypothesis is TMS had very limited benefit because I didn't have sufficient quantities of neurotransmitters for stimulation to do anything, and any possible benefit was being immediately eroded by the circumstances that created my problems in the first place.
I also had undiagnosed autism (which came with hardcoded limitations I'd been treating as personal preferences or bad attitude), and ADHD (which I was diagnosed with as a kid, but didn't understand how it manifests as an adult). Both of these tax executive function (neurotransmitters) heavily, and the MTHFR mutation handicapped how much executive function I had to go around in the first place. My particular neurodiverse needs appear to be at odds with the typical SWE work environment, so every day I was powering through my special needs, until my brain couldn't take it anymore and simply gave out.
A big one for me is that staying focused on work responsibilities for 40 hours every week is really hard. Whatever my natural interest in the subject matter, it's exhausted much sooner than that. So I have to spend all day saying 'yes' to things I'm not interested in, while saying 'no' to everything else I'd rather be doing.
That sounds like a mundane attitude problem - ADHD problems can sound like ordinary problems (we're only human!), but the big difference is how unrealistic it is to "power through" problems, and what happens when we ignore them. We're fighting a brain that works differently at a physical level; your conscious mind can only do so much about that.
Choosing where your attention goes (either activating focus or breaking off focus) drains executive function, and the neurotransmitters that power it. ADHD brains are known to consume executive function more often, and to draw deeper from it. We have something like a 25% penalty towards available executive function. So an ADHD brain can easily run out of steam in circumstances a neurotypical person can sail through.
Brain scans show that ADHD brains use an inefficient subsystem to maintain focus, and also never stop daydreaming, so there's constant noise running in our heads. Maintaining focus is just plain harder for us. https://www.additudemag.com/current-research-on-adhd-breakdo...
Meds can help with this, but they don't "fix" ADHD; they only help us manage our symptoms to varying degrees.
In my childhood my ADHD was obvious because I was physically hyperactive - I was bouncing off the walls. When I got older and calmed down, I figured I'd somehow grown out of ADHD or something. I learned that you never grow out of it. Some of the symptoms were things I didn't know were ADHD, like my relationship with time. As for the hyperactivity, in adulthood turns from external to internal - your mind can't stop running.
For burnout symptoms specifically, ADHD can play its own role there. Online ADHD communities talk about "ADHD burnout". I haven't seen research about it, but its cousin, "autistic burnout" has early research, and they share the same root cause: "executive function depletion" caused by trying to power through neurological needs. Your brain just can't make chemicals as fast as you're using them up, and eventually you run out. An important distinction between burnout and depression: burnout tends to affect only work, while your mood is normal off-hours. Depression affects everything. Executive function depletion looks more like depression, despite the "burnout" moniker.
Executive function controls your ability to exercise willpower and take action, as well as your ability to regulate your emotions. If your brain runs out of the chemicals that make this work, these two things will fall apart. The only solution appears to be to remove yourself from the circumstance that overtaxes your executive function, then wait days / weeks for your neurology to recover. If it takes longer, you have additional factors in play.
Anecdotally, a lot of ADHD people find it challenging to keep normal jobs, and eventually find themselves in less traditional career paths where they can follow their mind's natural whims instead of struggling against them all day.
Another important ADHD thing for me is that ADHD brains often only have two ways of perceiving time: "now" and "not now". This is a component of time blindness, but I like to call it "the eternal now". Whatever I'm experiencing right now is the only thing that exists. If I'm happy, I'm happy with my whole being. Or sad. Or angry. I don't do well with delayed gratification because all I know is what this moment feels like - the future is irrelevant. Doing unpleasant work for "those moments that make it all worthwhile" - that doesn't exist for me. A brief moment in the past or future doesn't do anything for what I feel right now.
One more thing: ADHD people wind up relying heavily on routines and habits. Literally any amount of friction can stop you from initiating tasks, so any way to remove friction, avoid making decisions, or otherwise delegate willpower and memory to your environment becomes crucial just to function like a normal person. Three examples: 1) I reliably get my dishes into the dishwasher now that we have a clean/dirty sticker, because figuring out whether it's dirty was enough friction that I just left dishes on the counter. 2) I've heard several people say they actually vacuum once they got a cordless vacuum, because handling the cord was enough friction to discourage them from vacuuming at all. 3) I rely heavily on calendar/task reminders to get anything done. I can forget an important todo in seconds, so it has to make it into my phone.
It's worth noting that my ADHD won't be your ADHD experience. ADHD isn't a single, atomic condition - it's a collection of abnormalities that are so tightly intertwined that we can't tell where each starts and ends, so we have to treat them as one big lump of symptoms. There are six widely-recognized scientific models for what ADHD does to the mind, because that's the kind of complexity we're dealing with. That means each of us will have different limitations.
You may find it worth googling "spoon theory" - it's a mental model of how much energy you have that neurodiverse people find useful for understanding and planning their day-to-day experience. I also recommend the podcasts ADHD Nerds and Translating ADHD.
(Not everyone with an MTHFR mutation experiences symptoms. For a long time I didn't. Best guess is my body changed after a period of intense stress.)
I take L-Methylfolate 15mg, which bypasses my digestion and provides my body with the processed materials directly.
The brand name for this is Deplin, which requires a prescription. I just switched to over-the-counter L-Methylfolate - it remains to be seen if it's as effective.
Fun fact: once I started taking Deplin, I had to come off of all my traditional antidepressants. They were at max dosage and having no effect, but once my brain was flooded with neurotransmitters, all the antidepressant side effects kicked in, including (perversely) amplifying depression symptoms.
Having a concrete scientific explanation for the empirical result I was seeing was a great confidence booster, bolstered some hypotheses I had, and helped me identify next steps in my journey.
Over the counter should be identical. I only prefer the prescription because it’s regulated and less likely to be fake. :)
I love how you used "stacking debuffs" here. That made me smile.
I had a strange life due to pre-wired issues, until 30 when a few traumatic event (including a first relationship that was as positive as negative) completely altered my reality. I was very surprising to say the least how one day you cannot exist socially (total shut-in with obsessive painful thoughts on a daily basis), and the next one you see colors and friendliness everywhere. Deep in your guts, something that really lifts your mind, imagination and heart solidly, not just a philosophical understanding.
I had a year of socially vibrant emotions but gradually went back to my old self (avoidant) but I still remember that my reality is somehow altered and very far from what others can experience or what is healthy.
If anybody has resources to read or places to monitor I'll be glad to know.
ps: I have a ton of questions regarding the neurology of the perception of "the self" and others for the lack of better terms. if any neuroscientist has time to waste, my email is in my profile, feel free to spam.
I know that I personally still suffer the effects of bullying some 40 to 50 years later - for example, I tend to withdraw from any conflict/confrontation in the work setting misinterpreting even constructive conflict/criticism as being directed at me personally. When I was a kid playing with other kids I tended to withdraw and disappear even in situations where there was no bullying because I came to expect it would happen. And I see that I withdraw similarly in the workplace. In that sense the bullying from many years ago has negatively impacted my career and mental health (anxiety, panic attacks and a bit of paranoia as I'm always expecting the worst from other people).
It's nothing but lip service. Bullying is largely the result of several quite obvious system design flaws. 30 kids to one adult is going to result in a Lord of the Flies culture, and that culture will get worse as you scale to additional 30+ classrooms.
Further, actually paying attention to the emotional state of a child and nurturing it carefully at the times it needs that would be hard to pull off in a group of _five_ kids.
But at all costs, we need every mom and dad in the country working all the time to maximize the size of our economy (and help the rich keep getting richer). We need conforming, beaten down worker bees who've been trained to drag out of bed and go where dictated all day long to fill all the jobs that keep the economy humming.
So any changes in the favor of nurturing kids reasonably (not even optimally, just reasonably) just aren't in the cards. But we can make some nice posters about it.
I think it's probably impossible to treat with drugs because what people really need are friends, hope and a good outlook on life (which often comes from hope). I'm sure drugs can improve people with imbalances and I'm also sure it's not just one thing that causes depression. That said, it seems like it can often be solved with more traditional means -- finding community and purpose.
No need for an “imbalance” as justification to get help through medication. This attitude is a form of ableism that can ultimately be deadly for the people it’s targeted at if they buy into it.
Coming from a spiritual and community oriented background people aren’t doing well. “medicine bad” and constant implicit and explicit messages they get - that they must not be doing it right, doesn’t help at all.
I turned into a depressed, "emo", grumpy kid around 8-12 and that became an angry, misunderstood kid after the second move. It has been decades since that time, but I am doing better now.
Being depressed, moody, overly serious, is my default now. I've learned to work past it like you've described, change my outlook. It still sucks having a default downer attitude in my head though. Still more work to go.
My parents and siblings were always perplexed by this. To this day, they still think nothing is wrong with how it all went down. I was just a "problem kid". That worked for them, problem kid was a convenient scape-goat for all the other familial difficulties we had going on.
If I ever have kids, I'll do my best to not disrupt their lives the way mine was. Hopefully, I'll be a lot more attuned to make sure they're dealing with social pressures better than I did. No one needs to live the way I lived, it's not mentally healthy.
Interestingly, I'm convinced depressive state accumulates during a sleep cycle. Missing a single dose of mirtazapine and then sleeping feels exactly like an alcohol hangover. I'm also convinced alcohol is a CNS depressant and abuse of it induces depression.
Edit: Similar experience. Chaotic home life with fighting parents with high anxiety levels. Emotional problems, speech issues, out-of-norm appearance and intellect, bullying, and intense untreated depression and ADHD-PI for many years. Too many factors to control for. I suspect genes and epigenetics.
I wouldn’t put this all on your experiences from a two year period from decades ago. It’s probably just who you are.
I think it’s important to frame it this way in order to empower yourself. If it’s just who you are, then you can accept it, adjust the way you live, and even alter your perspective enough where you don’t feel weighed down anymore.
But if it’s an injustice that happened to you far in the past then you’re a victim and you just have to deal with it because you didn’t get lucky.
Many people don’t want to take my perspective because it sort of sounds like I’m saying that some people deserve to be bullied. I do think it’s true in a way, but then I’m not one who thinks life should be fair.
Maybe there is truth to both, and the brain is plastic, so we can also change who we are.
Once I left school behind me and met people who respected me, I managed to let all of that past behind me and become a very happy person with (so far) zero depressive tendencies. There is still some trauma left when I see my kid being teased or teasing somebody (to a much smaller scale than what I went through), but aside of that I'm very glad my brain managed to escape hell unscathed.
I moved cities at 10 years old, and was bullied and isolated during the entirety of Middle School. Ever since then, I've always had negative and depressive thoughts lurking around. It's just my normal.
A psychiatrist helped me understand that those formative years are when your cortex is developing. The cortex learns through repetition, and during those years I was having constant sadness and suffering events. So, my emotional intelligence learned to be that way and that's why I've suffered ever since.
If I'm not pro active in thinking about being happy or doing active things, I default to being depressed. After almost 20 years, I'm still suffering.
A side effect of being isolated during those years is my social skills have taken longer to develop. I didn't have a true batch of friends until college, but now I've lost all of them.