To be fair I can barely put a sentence together when sober either.
Talking is a skill like any other.
So, a comparison.
You know how you can picture a car in your head but you can't make draw a car unless you've spent time practicing as an artist? That is because connecting our mental representation of "a car" and making our hand draw a car is a skill that requires a lot of training. This is why artists practice drawing still lives, looking at an orange and copying it down to paper with a pencil trains your brain on how to translate the thing that is visually inside your head to what your hand needs to do to re-create it.
Well, the same for mental dialogue. Going from "idea in head" to "words coming out of mouth" is a skill that takes practice.
There are ways to practice this! Toastmasters is a famous group whose goal is improving this skill, but there are many other routes. I had good luck with table top RPGs, I spent years playing a character who is supposed to be charismatic, and accordingly I had lots of chances to practices being outgoing!
We are good at the things we practice doing!
This is exacerbated by the fact that in my 30s, the amount of alcohol needed for a hangover is quite low.
Peak HN.
I still find the behavior odd. If someone says "I feel awkward around people because I'm short" no one says "haha that's not a real problem, you just have social anxiety". But when someone says "I feel awkward around people because I'm smart" suddenly everyone has an issue.
There are many varieties of intelligence in many domains. If you find yourself in the company of someone you feel is less intelligent than you, try finding what they know about or care about. What have they experienced that you haven't? Or perhaps try finding a shared area of ignorance. Who knows, you might find they consider you dumb or naive in some way.
It is indeed very hard for some people to feel comfortable in social situations that are outside their prior experience or interests. But I'm inclined to agree with grandparent comment that this has little to do with 'intelligence'.
Really? You don't think that intelligence has multiple components - raw intelligence, social intelligence, etc? And that you could in theory be good at one but not at the other?
I can't see any reason that someone who is really intelligent at technical things couldn't be just as socially intelligent. They probably just don't have as much practice with social environments when compared to technical problems.
Ever notice how SAHPs get starved for adult conversation? Parents have many things in common with their children and they care about their lives. They can certainly connect to their children. And yet, interaction with kids is not a substitute for adult conversation.
STAHP love connecting with adults to... talk about their kids.
But then you don’t because the last time you did something like that you just got a blank stare, and ‘hmmm!’ and a change in topics.
jcims: So what kind of hobbies are you into?
Bob: I love my garden, I planted several new flowers last weekend in fact.
jcims: Oh? What kind of flowers are you growing?
Bob: These latest are Lenten roses, I know a lot of people find the smell a bit unpleasant, but I actually prefer it to the zinnias.
jcims (sober): Isn't it interesting how there seems to be an innate attraction towards the scent of certain flowers. Like what is the electrochemical process that creates sensation in your mind of attraction and beauty and a pleasant experience when a certain set of chemicals bind to receptors in your head.
Bob: I don't know about chemistry, I'm just a gardener.
---
Alternately:
jcims (tipsy): That's cool! I've never heard of Lentil roses. Do they smell different than real roses?
Bob: chuckle Finally, a pleasant party conversation! The last person I talked with must have had a Ph.D. in neurochemistry or something, they started talking about electroreceptors and I just couldn't think of anything smart enough to say.
I've noticed this with other guys that just need to chill out a bit when socializing -- especially tech folks.
It's more about energy level than smartness.
No need to be hungover -- maybe just relax a bit, take things slower, talk less, go on fewer (or no) tangents, etc., and you might achieve the same result.
I agree with what you are saying about energy levels but take issue with these suggestions. How does an inherently anxious and energetic person "just relax" and "take things slowly"? I mean, the phrase "just relax" generates (for a younger version of me) a thought bubble that would read: I thought I was relaxed!!
> talk less, go on fewer (or no) tangents
What's worse, someone babbling about something they're excited about? Or sitting in awkward silence because they're mentally keeping score of who's saying more words in the conversation?
Again, I am 100% with you on the excess energy levels making someone annoying. I am just looking for actionable, less generic suggestions. To bring it back to the start of your post:
> I prefer my husband's company when he's tired
How does your husband get tired enough to be tolerable?
I've been thinking about this too.
My plan is to just sit down and really put the hours in — work hard, and really grind through all those meditation apps and podcasts and books.
And I think, if I just grit my teeth and keep at it, nonstop, then eventually I'll master the secret to relaxing and taking things slowly.
I’m much more chill and relaxed after that
I feel far more peaceful and centered when I am hungover. I don't have a thousand things flying around the edges of my brain, nipping at my consciousness. I just _am_.
Drinking can do that for me too, but it shuts off so much of my brain that eventually, it's like being what I imagine a dog is. Completely reactive, with almost no higher thinking. Not that that is bad. I enjoy it.
If not for how bad it makes me feel physically, I'd probably spend most of my waking hours either drunk or hungover. What that says about me, I hesitate to think about, hah.
I also found that in my limited experience with meditation, I could sometimes find that place of tranquility and "simply being". But it was so rare, and the experience of meditation so frustrating and seemingly impossible to progress in, that I gave up. But I still hold that what I am after in meditating is the same thing that I am after in a night of drinking. Single-threadedness, peace, acceptance.
I've tried meditation, could never reach a high enough level with it to feel sustained peace/calmness. I should put more effort into it though
no significant other in my life, until I started drinking
My best friend from uni did not start drinking until his 30s. He never had a girlfriend before he drank. Something bothers me so much when I think about it. He is married now and a very decent husband -- really cares about his wife. What if he never started drinking and never met anyone? Sheesh.
Assuming hetero-normative for a moment, what do women think about this?
In summary, it helped some and hurt others!
"Alex, 30, lives in New York City. He says he has depression, anxiety and undiagnosed ADHD. His experiences sound similar to Dylan’s, with a heavy night of drinking making way for a newfound sense of self. “I was calm, empathetic, emotional, not anxious,” he says. "
Is similar to me, even live in nyc and a similar age
Sounds like a crutch. What you describe here is a fairly common response by people suffering from social anxiety.
I’m not implying that’s you, but it seems like you have the capacity to act the same way without booze so it might be worth to observe how and what you feel when that happens.
Not sure what to make of a statement like this. But what seems missing in this analysis is that by this point (and it sounds like it's taken you years to get here) you've probably completely forgotten what it's like to just be completely sober and to completely forget about drinking altogether.
Which is very different from the low-functioning refactory state (that is -- post-hangover, pre-next-drink) within the cycle of long-term regular alcohol use.