I mean... a car? You aren't giving some outlandish requirements, all that stuff/passengers could fit into my compact sedan. I might need to get a roof rack for a trip, but that is much less costly than the massive difference in cost between buying/maintaining/operating/insuring an SUV vs a car.

Growing up my family of five were able to comfortably fit all of us plus any luggage/gear in an early 80s subcompact hatchback.

Weekend tournament?

We used to pack up our 5 member family and suitcases for 3 weeks at the seaside into a 2. generation Voklswagen Golf https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volkswagen_Golf_Mk2

Us and every other family. I suppose the average american uses a 18-wheel cargo truck to go to vacation.

“At the seaside” so I guess you just bought coaching equipment when you got there, along with about 100 cold bottles of water. Got it.

Cars can have trailers, roof racks, and people can rent large cars for the short duration they need them. Breathless one-upmanship aside it’s not unreasonable to go to places with water, or for multiple people to bring water.

They literally won’t let us use water fountains right now. That’s for our own good. Wouldn’t want us getting the COVID!

bit strange to arrange a tournament in a place with no taps and no shops, but ok;

“On average, a professional water delivery service will charge anywhere from $175 to $380 per truckload., and the average truck will hold 6,000 gallons.” - https://www.howmuchisit.org/pool-water-delivery-cost/

Could buy a lot of those for the price of an SUV, especially sharing the price between all the people.

Inb4 the tournament is held on a remote mountain top inaccessible to tankers and hatchbacks alike and only accessible to 4x4s so there’s literally no other choice.

100 bottles? Are you coaching in the middle of the desert for a week? That's 20 bottles per person...

I coach a team of twelve.

Reading that again I think our definitions are different. If you can pack for 3 weeks in the mountains in a VW Golf I’m honestly impressed. I have a feeling you rely on stores and dining out. I’m talking about what is now called “off grid camping”, what used to just be called “camping”. Yes, when I was 14 I could go into the Ozarks after school on Friday with just my brothers and our packs on our backs and make it until Sunday evening. Now I’m old and have the aches and pains of age, so I need more gear.

We used to do three weeks “off-grid” camping with a Volvo, no problem (assuming a roofrack as well for the tent). Nowadays we could probably do it without the roofrack as tents are considerably lighter than they used to be.

I've never done three weeks in the woods, but when my friends an I do one week "off grid" camping trips we are 4-5 adults plus food and gear per car (and none of my friends own anything larger than a midsize). We try to keep it 4 to a car for comfort, but we'd rather have a car of five than take an extra car.

2 adults, 3 children, some drinks, some food, some foldable chairs, a tent or two?

That easily fits in most cars unless we're talking about Smart's or sports cars.

I believe a station wagon was the suggested alternative. Love the attitude though :P.

Find me a station wagon that will take me on the rubicon. Until then I’ll keep my land cruiser.