The sad fact is that since that relationship is so special, the callous negligence and other pathologies parted by the mother into the relationship are so many times more destructive.
And this is not about the stereotypical sitcom mom who is overbearing or judgemental.
Think about substance abuse, suicide attempts and the like.
Nothing gives you a jolt like finding your mom in her bed OD's with sleeping pills and plastic bags wrapped under her bottom not to soil the sheets. Even though if the mom survives something will be irreparably broken inside the child.
Don't push people about their relationships to their parents. There are lots of sad, sad stories there.
I don't think this is true. The cultural presumption is that you love your mom and that she was basically a pretty good mom. In that assumed case, not calling makes you a callous bastard. And of course there are people who will badger you to reconcile with estranged parents, but are they the majority? Most people understand that abusive or otherwise shitty parents exist, they just (correctly) assume that it's not the default.
Edit: Expanding some, since brevity gives too much room for ambiguity: cultural norms for some can be a point of pain for others because of forces we as observers to the experiences of others may never have to contend with; assumptions in the face of these norms can sometimes box a person into the same feelings of anxiety and distress because of said norms and how they have affected such individual in ways unique to them that we could be completely blind to. Familial relations are sometimes an especially sore area in this specific regard.
It’s was a cautionary remark, not an assertive one. Looking back on the post, maybe I should have said “Herein lies the basic problem with assuming of such intimate matters”.
May healing find them.
Not to an addict and certainly not to their loved ones. See, you are on the one hand saying the addict is fine doing whatever it is they are, and on the other hand you are shaming the loved ones of the addict into a position of never giving up on him/her.
All of that will just make things worse for all parties. You see, the addict, after a point, does not really want love anymore. They want the substance. They may use love as a tool to live and continue their addiction but they are not in a condition to provide a reciprocal relationship. They have become, in a way, narsistic in the sense that other people are above all enabling agents to get their high, and beyond this utility are worthless to them.
So you see how just being ready to love another through whatever is not actually a great plan when heavy addiction steps into play?
First rule of all human relationships: You are not responsible for another person - their happiness, their addiction or what ever.
Some relationships can be actively harmful. Especially with addictive substances the other party gets easily damaged through co-dependency.
I understand why you would find this callous. On the other hand, knowing far too well what I'm talking about, I find your approach potentially very harmful.
It sounds like you think I'm coming to this from a moral or religious high ground. I'm not. I have far better understanding of relationship dynamics with an addict than I would ever want.
"But please don't go about preaching addicts don't need love"
Of course not, that would be de-humanizing. But similarly no single person should feel obligated to love an addict.
Let me explain where I'm coming from. My mom was a heavy drinker and that affected all aspects of her life for decades. My father spent most of his good years living with her, but after my mother died, I realized staying with my mom had been a mistake from his part.
His mood brightened remarkably and he found a new person to share his life with. Sadly, he died in a few years as well.
Had he not spent his life with my mom I'm fairly sure he would have been a lot happier. I mean, sure, it's a roll of the die but surely staying with my mom was close to snake-eyes in terms of what sort of relationship you can end in.
Especially in the later years my moms behaviour changed and she turned partly a different person.
You love who you choose to love. But you are not obliged to love anybody and most certainly you are not responsible for anyone elses happiness.
Nobody should feel obligated to show love to anyone else except your child, and should be ok to take distance and gauge their options - especially with an addict.
Addicts can recover, and sometimes cannot.
You can't force an addict to recover. And more importantly, you can't heal an addict. The addict needs to take the responsibility for their own condition.
Taking distance can be part of the addicts journey to a non-addicted way of living. But you can't push nor pull them.
Anger and sadness are both very helpful, understandable and ok emotions. There is nothing wrong or dysfunctional about either of those feelings.
I think the cultural norm that certain emotions are “bad” and that we can “change” our emotions is extremely destructive for many people.
We can control (and our responsible for) our thoughts and actions.
I don’t think people can actually control their emotions however and making people feel ashamed or unhealthy because of their emotional reactions is unfair. This is actually one of the symptoms of abusive parent-child relationships that I think many people have unavoidably internalized.
A lot of people have experienced serious emotional trauma due to cultural norms and an unhealthy value system about how parents treat their children (as well as by being parented by traumatized people who have grown up in similar circumstances)
There are a lot of good books about it if you search for Complex PTSD. One that I think covers a lot of information holistically is “Healing Developmental Trauma” by Laurence Heller and Aline LaPierre
It's still really tough to know where to go from here. I feel like I've learned from his mistakes, but is the same true for him? Why hasn't he tried to change, is it the society/culture he grew up in? How much is his fault? Still figuring out how to deal with these questions. But I can be angry, and have pity too.
I give them targetted praise whenever they do something I want. Give treats for wrong decisions but drilling what they did was wrong. Make them feel important and special. Let them feel guilty for not being able to live up to the expectations you build around them. Let them see the perfect human you see them as. Use metrics and numbers that are easy to parse, use social signaling. Instead of giving your opinion about something, point towards someone they might be interested to hear about or care to change them.
Say you love them the way they are but point towards changing societal expectations.
Again, you aren't the bad guy who wants them to change. It's the society or someone else. It is easier to get through the head.
Push them into groups with opposite view to them. People behave differently under group pressure compared to when you are talking to them one on one.
Whenever they come across material that re-enforces their existing belief, try to distract them. Change their environment. Offer to clean their room and remove harmful material. Change places that remind them of their previously held beliefs.
The Fox, the Crow and the Cookie is still one of my favorite songs.
Not everything that works for oneself will "vastly improve" the lives of others.
Sorry to hear that you've had that kind of experience!
Right - boggles my mind that people think they should be telling anyone to call anyone on a site like this.
(Not a comment on my mother - just the idea that everyone has the same relationships as you do and should do things the way you do them.)
It's a nice reminder, don't see the OP post as "reconnect with your abusive parent" more like "today might be a good day to call your mother"
The OP doesn't qualify their premise with 'might'. ('May' only applied to video chat, specifically). The title is imperative, and there is a general claim of importance.
I'm not bothered personally, I just agree with chriseatons assessment of the tone.
It's a little reminder for the oblivious and workaholics among us. Nobody is suggesting anyone call their mom if they hate her guts.
To others like me who may have a gaslighting c* * * of a mother, don't be bullied by societal norms into feeling like a bad person just because you don't want to connect with an abuser. It's perfectly fine to not call your mother on mother's day if you don't have the kind of relationship that will benefit from it.