They’re broken. I call every other week but sometimes if I call more they’ll not answer the phone. I call, either way. There won’t be anything more, previous efforts to repair or resolve or lift any of this have always returned things to the current condition. It always rests here.
So I’ll call, but yes, this is how it is. I wish they had considered going back decades ago. Or hadn’t crumpled under the strain of their efforts.
These holidays are a reminder of what we can’t have.
Considered what? You've said they had a hard life.
Edit: Oh, I misread that (parsed it as "considered, going back decades ago", thinking you were implying you wish they had considered the effect of their actions). Yeah, I think for many older immigrants who were forced to emigrate from their homeland because of warfare or economic collapse, going back makes sense if conditions have improved.
They don't want to go back now? Or too old?
There was a time where they had the money and vitality to tackle the things that kept them out of their comfort zone. They were forced out of their country by a military invasion, and so in their mind, the country as it turned out wasn't theirs anymore either.
But they meet up with others who left under the same circumstances.. there's a shared culture, but it's all stopped in time. Frozen.
Yes like many things it varies culturally.
Calling family 2-4 times a week seems extraordinarily excessive to me. What possibly changes that often that you have anything to tell them about on a call that frequent?
I don't think I call my wife that often when I'm working away.
And I'm British so it's not just Americans.
I don’t call 4 times a week, but twice aren’t awkward, and once is a given.
If you're away from home on work, you only call your wife 2-4 times a week? Note I'm not saying this is "wrong" or something, I am just very curious about it. I can't imagine not calling at least once a day.
I noted that you referred to the idea of "what could have changed that much, that often," but for me the purpose of these calls is not to exchange information but instead to express affection, feel affection in return, and to simply be in the other's presence (if virtually) for a short time. Mainly I just plumb miss her. This also holds true for the reasons I call my parents, but I tend to only do that once per week.
Having typed out that mini-screed, maybe you were just making a point, in which case carry on.
When the cadence is so high I don't think it's so much about getting updated information as much as just seeking their company ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
To me a strong relationship is one that lasts across time and physical distance without constant attention. Obviously within limits. But if my wife expected me to call her everyday, or vice versa, I could only assume that there was an insecurity/neediness that hadn't been appropriately handled.
there's a lot of value in being fully present for a social interaction: when you're on the phone and paying attention, it's typically a lot more engaging than the other person watching a video, texting 4 other people at the same time, or whatever else people do in between texts.
Anecdotally, my international friends on average put family calls in a higher regard than my American friends.
Still love my mom though. Will call her in a bit.
I suspect so. Every inch of our culture pushes 18yo's away from siblings and parents. Some families overcome that and some don't.
Through most of human history, families were physically close enough that parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles became interchangeable & elderly parents didn't have to die alone in nursing homes.
Sincere question: why did you focus on that attribute instead of some other? Is calling your mother several times per week typical on your country?
Yes :-)
My family is half European half South American. I call them almost every other day. On a busy week, perhaps I'll only call during the weekend.
My Taiwanese wife calls her mom every day.
Now this of course varies from culture to culture and household to household.
We are very very happy and our kids always have grandparents around in the same house (big house - it matters).
We get unsolicited advice and counseling from our parents ALL the time. Sometimes we hate it and sometimes we appreciate it. We disagree over many things and don’t see eye to eye on many small issues. But on a macro level, we are aligned.
Now that we are all working from home, my favorite part of the day is the morning where we all sit down and have a cup of chai made by whoever happens to be in the mood of making that day. We are a solid team and we all play a part in making each others’ lives better.
I have always wondered about how our kids will be when they grow up. I am not going to expect them to live with us and I am going to prepare myself mentally for that. But by God, it would be a blessing if my kids and my wife and I live together forever just like I am with my parents. Nothing would make me happier to live my life in a smooth continuous gradual way, rather than big disparate phases where kids move out, we live alone, we get very old, someone takes us in and take care of us until we die. I am scared of that.
Even amongst my other American friends they think we're pretty far towards the extreme end of detached. I suspect most people have much more personal relationships with their family than mine but just providing an anecdotal data point.
Perhaps it a western thing not just American.
> Is calling your mother several times per week typical on your country? Yes :-)
My family is half European half South American. I call them almost every other day. On a busy week, perhaps I'll only call during the weekend.
My Taiwanese wife calls her mom every day.
(In my experience, though, more than once/week seems excessive. Do you not have other family/friends to catch up with, too? Do you spend an hour on the phone every day?)
My wife used to talk to her mom every day, but is down to a couple times a week now.