I'm kind of in the same boat. I assumed that I would be able to participate in normal friendships without social media (the way people did for generations before me). Instead, I think people just assume I'm ignoring them on facebook because I'm anti-social.

I've learned to be more proactive in maintaining relationships, but it often feels very one-sided since many other people are used to just getting passive status updates and feeling 'connected' to their friends.

I’ve had people genuinely get angry at me because I’d just been ignoring all IM’s for a few days.

They were worried about whether I was still alive, but the concept of calling to confirm was apparently foreign.

I kind of want to stop using social media, but I guess everyone will think I hate them or something.

It's an interesting bit, this. When you open an avenue of communication, then others get re-prioritized accordingly.

Having text options lowers the perceived need for calling in person. Having Facebook lowers the need for in person contact, since people gets some crumbs of info about you off your Facebook feed. And so on.

What can one do, alone? Can you reverse a trend that's affecting all your friends and acquaintances? Not likely. Maybe just for a few close friends, but everyone else.. meh.

I wouldn't really classify instant messaging as social media, even though all social media platforms have messengers attached nowadays.

Also, if your friends are making an effort to keep in contact with you, why are you faulting them for choosing X medium instead of Y?

I should be allowed not to use medium X?

Why am I forced to have and check (daily, at least) IM?

Turn notifications on, don't check it until you get notifications?

Notifications have this huge downside that they disturb you from your work and from your leisure time, fragmenting attention to the point of being useless to yourself.

This has long been decried by people like Cal Newport and others. Knowledge workers need their attention span intact, and yet all the modern tools make interruptions more likely.

I've been in a Messenger group of only 5 people, who were trying to synchronize going to the movies. My phone kept bleeping for 5 damn hours, until they figured what to do. Absolutely disgusting.

I turned notifications off exactly because I got a few hundred of them per day.

You get hundreds of messages from friends?

I know that they work hard to make it addictive, but isolating yourself because of a fear of a lack of self-discipline is not a solution IMO. Use it to your advantage and have the strength to withstand its negative aspects.

Ignoring the newsfeed can be enough if you're susceptible to comparison with others (which is one of the big reasons that social media is bad for people). There are browser extensions to hide it [1].

I use events, groups and the birthday reminder. Facebook definitely has a lot of features that are very useful e.g. I can see which events happen in my surroundings and which friends attend them. Without this, I wouldn't hear about these events (except when those friends explicitly invite their friends). Instead of denial, use technology to your advantage and minimize its bad effects on your mental health.

[1]: https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/news-feed-eradicat...

edit: I know that many people in tech despise social media and there are a ton of studies that show its negative effects. But OP talks about negative effects of not using social media. A moderate usage can be better for him/her than simply refusing to use it. Please explain your arguments instead of simply downvoting so I know the reasons behind the reactions.

Hiding the newsfeed is the key. Keep events and messenger. Use Firefox fb container and a vpn to limit what fb knows about you.

Can I ask how old you are? I wonder how this affects different age generations.

I'm 37, left social media a few years back when my son was born - the thinking being that the time I spent on there would be better spent with him and my wife! I don't feel excluded by my friendship groups or like I'm missing out on anything.

I'm 27, single, no family/brothers/sisters.

Yeah, huge difference here, at least for me. When I was 27 I cared a lot more about friendships, now that I'm 35 I just want to spend time with my family and only care to get together with my friends a couple times a year.

I wouldn't say I've gone that far to other end of the spectrum and still make time for seeing friends on a weekly basis - I guess I'm just more comfortable in myself than I was when I was younger therefore FOMO is not a thing I care about any more. The well-being of my family and the home we live in, is :-)

Also, not actually having the time to see friends as much as I used to makes a big difference!

Do you program for a living or have a job that requires lots of human interaction? I find coder jobs amplify the unbalancing nature of loneliness. On the other hand , loneliness is just a symptom of the human not knowing how to be alone and remain content. If only we were born with the user manual around our neck

I have a tech job that requires a lot of non face-to-face human interaction through slack, with people I never build relationships with. Still super lonely :D

Dating is also near impossible because I don't want to use social media.

Get a coffee job on the weekends or go volunteer , really fun way to make friends . The coffee job requires zero brain work so it’s not mentally exhausting when you sit down Monday’s to not move and just code all day. Might take some guts to get into social zone but after breaking through its way worth it . Easier to just think about impermanence of your life each 10 minutes, you will die in a couple decades and rot into the earth like every other human, then the small issues become meaningless when faced with death reminder .

1. Stop working remotely. If you’re in an office, talk face to face more. 2. Theres “anti-social media” and there’s “maybe I’ll just use social media minimally so I can use dating apps and not die alone.”

While I think one can learn to be alone...we are social creatures and it's literally woven into our DNA. So, while I do think few humans can get by without fulfilling social relationships...I think that loneliness is a very serious condition that can cause all sorts of harm.

Try some real world events. Particularly outdoors, keeping your body busy ones. Maybe daytrips to canoe or kayak, or just hike. Maybe also indoor events, crafts or even computing, radio, maybe some maker things.

You'll run into other people who are keeping social media in its place. Something I've found this year, via a friend who works at the local community college.

I don't mean to sound prescriptive nor like I have "the answer". Just to comment, that circumstances brought me into the orbits of such people, a bit, and I'm enjoying it.

The interactions are much more satisfying and "complete", whether it's a standing friendship or just a chance conversation.

P.S. I have an LL Bean store in my area, and while I was in there buying some trousers, the friendly and helpful clerk told me that the store arranges outings. Itself, or in affiliation with a local group -- I'm not sure. Anyway, they said to check out the Bean website for their location, for details on what was coming up. IIRC.

So, community college, local retailer (I'm thinking also of a paddlesports business up in Madison, WI), non-profit groups. There may be more avenues to finding good groups and outings, than one would expect.

Just go as yourself and with no particular expectations, other than to learn and to participate/contribute in the group's having a good time.

And be prepared to listen. Most everyone has an interesting story, if you're paying attention.

Best wishes!

P.P.S. And if you have a state or national park in the area, check their calendar. Or local public parks and organizations.

Isn’t HN social media the same way Reddit is?

Strange because throughout this thread a lot of users seem to consider HN/Reddit social media. I don't personally think of these as social media whatsoever. They are content/news aggregators imo.

Social media to me is a site that is mostly not anonymous, and is connected to your real life identity where you are mostly sharing content about your personal life.

This is the most accurate description of how I felt dropping out of social media, although to a much less strict degree. I don't spend almost any time looking at other people's lives but I still wonder. That's fine, I let the mystery linger and I think it's been an overall positive. Close friends and regular occuring events, I still attend. The ones that have to schedule, I need someone to contact me directly or vice versa so I lose out on some events. On balance I think I gained more than I lost.

Isn’t HN social media the same way Reddit is?