A Russian and an American bond in the afterlife while waiting to find out where they are headed. Eventually Satan shows up and says, "bad news, you both are going to hell, but you can choose Russian hell or American hell."
"What's the difference?" they ask.
'Well, says Satan. 'In American hell you have to eat a shovel load of shit once per day. The rest of your time is your own. In Russian hell you have to eat two shovel loads of shit, and the rest of your time is your own."
"That seems easy," says the American, "I choose American hell." And in a flash he is gone.
Years later, he finds a gap in the wall dividing the two hells and is able to talk to his Russian friend. 'Why on earth did you pick Russian hell? American hell is just great. We eat our shovel load of shit each day and then we're free to do what we want."
"Comrade," replies the Russian, "in Russian hell, most days there is no shit to eat, and when there is, there is no shovel."
Reagan: "How do you manage to build structures like this? Your logistics is shit, you have no technology and people are apathetic."
Gorbachev: "Soviet people built it all with great enthusiasm and while singing songs".
Reagan: "Bullshit, it's impossible to motivate people like this in your system. You don't even pay them money!"
Gorbachev: "On the contrary, my friend. It's impossible to motivate people like this in your system. I will prove it to you. Take a cat and motivate it to eat a jar of mustard (Russian mustard is spicy), I will wait."
Reagan's aides spend whole day trying to make the cat eat mustard. They try hiding it in other foods, forcing it to eat, talking to it but the cat just refuses.
Reagan: "Well, it appears to be impossible to make the damn cat eat this mustard. I doubt you can do it though".
Gorbachev orders his aide and he puts a handful of mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts wailing and desperately licking the mustard off his balls.
Gorbachev: "Like I said, with great enthusiasm and singing a song".
"What are you doing in this tree?" says the eagle.
"Well, I came up here to eat apples," replies the cow.
"But this is a pine tree."
"Ah, you see, I brought my own."
(Lady who told me that was from Kamchatka.)
Since the spaceship was technically a military vessel there had to be an officer on board during the mission so a Red Army Colonel had been sent in the same mission with Belka and Strelka (the dogs). As it gets into the orbit a radio communication is established with the Flight Control Center.
Center: Belka, come in!
Belka: woof
Center: Transmit the navigation data, over.
Belka: woof, woof!
[The data transmission completes]
Center: Strelka, come in!
Strelka: woof
Center: You need to fire engine #3 for 5 seconds to correct course, over.
Strelka: woof, woof!
[The observation detects engine firing]
Center: Comrade Colonel, come in.
Colonel: Woof!
Center: Don't "woof" at me, feed the dogs and don't touch anything there, over.
FWIW, I recently met someone whose father was a dog-tender for Pavlov. The father was condemned based on Article 58 of the 1934 Soviet penal code (section for "Contacts Leading to Suspicion of Espionage", i.e. he had relatives in Finland) and was for some time in camps and after that, not allowed to keep any good job. A dog-tender was an allowed job; Pavlov was a very nice old man who treated his workers well. Pavlov died then before the war and the family then took a longish tour of the Gulag.
Could also contain a nod to the patience and unending hope of the Russians under their "stingy" government but that's likely too deep and contradicting their infinite cynicism and complete lack of faith ;)
...
>infinite cynicism and complete lack of faith
yes, the joke is basically stating that as these methods can make a dog speak then any lesser task like forcing any human to do anything what the government wants can be easily accomplished by these methods, ie. resistance is futile.
A man walks into a bar with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him.
The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."
The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!"
"Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before I throw you out."
"No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail.
"Listen, pal..." says the bartender. "Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "What's the opposite of soft?"
"Ruff!" exclaims the dog.
"Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the bartender.
"One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?"
"Ruth!" barked the dog.
"Okay, that's it!" says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and onto the street.
Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"
I saw the following in "The Knot Book" by Colin Adams (a very readable introduction to Knot Theory). The joke is attributed to Joel Haas.
A woman walks into a bar accompanied by a dog and a cow. The bartender says, "Hey, no animals are allowed in here." The woman replies, "These are very special animals." "How so?" "They're knot theorists." The bartender raises his eyebrows and says, "I've met a number of knot theorists who I thought were animals, but never an animal that was a knot theorist." "Well, I'll prove it to you. Ask them them anything you like." So the bartender asks the dog, "Name a knot invariant." "Arf, arf" barks the dog. The bartender scowls and turns to the cow asking, "Name a topological invariant." The cow says, "Mu, mu." At this point the bartender turns to the woman, says, "Just what are you trying to pull" and throws them out of the bar.
Outside, the dog turns to the woman and asks, "Do you think I should have said the Jones polynomial?"
No (availability of) shit to eat on most days > he doesn't have to eat shit. On other days shit is available but no shovels are available > he doesn't have to eat shit because there's no shovel to measure it/eat it with.
He knew this would happen because in Russia the food stores were more often than not empty and tools would be often "misplaced"/stolen.
A German and a Russian die. Neither has been the best person in their life, so they get sent down there. When they arrive in hell, the devil says, "Well, especially bad people have been dying lately, and we're all full up. I can only accept one of you, the other will go to purgatory and get a chance at redemption."
He proposes a simple test of their human decency: Each man is given a dog, a huge crate of sausages and one month to teach the dog a trick.
One month later, the devil returns to the German, who has clearly bonded with his now-plump dog. "Alright, let's see what you've got!" the devil says. The German plucks out a sausage and proceeds to wiggle it in the air. The dog, perfectly balanced on its hind legs, does an acrobatic pirouette. "Wow!" says satan. "Impressive!"
He walks over to the Russian his dog, whose relationship seems strained. The dog looks like a wild animal, but the Russian seems satisfied enough. "OK, show us your trick," the devil says. The Russian plucks out a sausage and proceeds to wiggle it in the air. The dog, wide-eyed, says "Please, Vanya, just one sausage!"