Where in that story did he emotionally abuse anyone? He was distant and miserable but that’s not abusive (except to himself).

Um, you don't see the problem with that when it's your father / husband?

“Problem” is not the same thing as “abuse”.

>because you see, my dad was a coward. mom had started asking for divorces by the time i was in my teens, and dad was the one who always said no. he would complain to her mother, a traditionalist, to ensure that she would berate her daughter back into line. his family and his culture had no place for him, so he used her as a shield to make sure that he would be spared the scrutiny.

What exactly do you call that? NoT ThE SAmE ThInG As "AbuSE"?

No. Being selfish is not the same thing as abuse.

People do selfish stuff all the time. It’s not abuse even if it’s shitty behavior. Abuse means more than that.

Calling up your wife's parents and telling them to scold her for wanting to divorce you IS ABUSE.

In Asian cultures this is pretty mellow.

It would be far worse if you let her divorce you, typically. Divorced women in East Asian cultures (well, Asian generally) are not treated well.

Not everyone works the same way.

So it was his responsibility to force her into the path that he believed was best for her?

That is a very toxic thing that people do in relationships all the time. It is used as a rationalization for prioritizing one's own desires.

Both of their parents certainly had that view, as does the wider society.

If you think that is very toxic, that is the tip of the iceberg.

To really put icing on the cake, they do it because they have plenty of examples of how badly people screw up their lives if someone isn’t doing that for them.

looks around at the opioid crisis in the west right now. Not that we would have anything like that going on.

There is no perfect, just different trade offs. And everyone usually cringes at the trade offs everyone else makes.

Coercing someone to remain in a loveless marriage while you abandon and repeatedly cheat on them sure is though.

so by this rational a person can be abused without even being aware of it and seeing no comparable ill effect?

Where is the line drawn? Am I abusing my spouse when I decide that we're a bit too over-stretched financially and that we're going to need to skip the surprise Disney World trip that I had planned but hadn't yet told them about?

What about if I think they just didn't try their hardest during the family softball competition? Are they abusing me?

His wife repeatedly requested a divorce and he basically forced her to remain in the loveless marriage. Your strawmen really aren't relevant.

Being miserable and emotionally distant is something the other people in the family are aware of...

It’s really easy to prescribe what other people should do when you don’t have to walk a yard in their shoes.

Most of are out here in our own shoes walking home faithfully to our own spouse. The man in the story neglected his own spouse and CHILD to go and spend time with another partner.

I understand not being warm and loving toward a wife you were forced to marry, even if I also know it means you're punishing her on top of the fact that she's dealing with the same thing. To ask her own family to verbally abuse her into not divorcing you so that you have the LUXURY of staying closeted and hooking up with various partners during the height of the AIDS epidemic.

But to treat your child as worth nothing to you like this man did is a disgrace. I'm glad the author isn't taking it personally. Imagine growing up effectively without a father because another man has taken all of his affection away from you and your family.

Not to mention the partner who he made move to another country and then still wouldn’t tell anyone about. The more I think about this post the more insanely controlling the guy seems!

And he cheated on that partner so much that said partner is now despondent and wants nothing to do with any memories of him ever again.

At the end of the day it's about integrity.

One of my relatives is an MtF transwoman now.

Her wife was the first person she told about it, and they are still together, with a daughter.

It was a little weird for me when I found out, but if her wife is OK with it, and they're providing a stable home for their daughter, I don't see an issue with it; not really my business.

The issue is being dishonest, for decades. That's the primary issue. There are always excuses, but living your life with integrity is of the utmost importance.

I hope his wife is getting the support she needs to deal with this very challenging situation he's put her in.

It must be very difficult for her to have to deal with her husband suddenly revealing that he wants to live such a bizarre and sexist fantasy full-time, especially considering they have a daughter together who will be also affected by this, perhaps even more adversely so.