Teledildonics is just an amazing word. Really makes me want to contribute to BO.io to pad out my CV.

Then again, it might raise uncomfortable questions about the pen testing I have on there. Something something something backdoor.

So many ideas and industry terms get much more interesting when applied in this area.

Penetration testing (especially with red and blue teams). Agile. Continuous delivery. "Move fast and break things". Application firewall. Protection at rest. Injection attacks. Man in the middle. Load balancing. And so on.

There's one phrase I'm too fond of, that I thought of the other day:

Enterprise Teledildonics

Someone please make it become a thing.

And of course the precursor to all inappropriate technical computer terms: finger

Finger, mount, touch, find if you’re self-deprecating.

If we're going for CLI commands: zip/unzip, eject, (mod)probe, umount; I guess man counts too.

And "man" can prefix all of them.

  man date
  man wait
  man yes
  man unzip
  man touch
  man expand
  man mount
  man glob
  man unmount
  man zip
  man nano
  man sleep

A friend back in Cambridge decided to name a file "bottom" just so he could run "touch bottom" and giggle at the sillieness.

Ah I was, off the cuff, going for core/more utils, those are great too. Ran out of ideas.

It may be UK or even London-specific but 'exponential backoff' is a great phrase in our lexicon.

'Packet sniffing', while not sexual, is also something a lot of men in Britain do.

Let's hope it's deepseek-compatible.

Edge computing. Deep learning. Uncertainty quantification. Attention head. Sparse probing. Queue managment. Consensus algorithm. Parallell I/O.

back pressure

A/B testing my teledildonics.

A few more good ones suggested by ChatGPT since this is a great discovery.

Hot swap. Hardening the system. Spoofing. Release pipeline. Uptime guarantee. Burst capacity. Stand-up. Forking the repo. Detached HEAD.

> Spoofing

not sure what spoofing would be in a sexual context, but it does sounds like something potentially illegal, or at least morally gray :D

Maybe because Spoof sounds simiar to Snuff...

Spoof is a slang term used in certain parts of the world that refers to a certain viscous liquid.

I think you might mean 'Spuff'.

A sentance I never thought I would write on HN.

It goes by many names. Spunk being another, but spoof being one too.

Sounds more similar to boofing.

Spoofing may be the act of pretending to blowing coke up someone's butt, but then "accidentally" snorting it yourself.

Samantha: Woah, easy now. It's my turn!

Dave: Alright, alright, I'll do it! [prepares straw; fakes choking, coughing]

Samantha: WTF, Dave?! Freeloading as always, now you fucking spoofed me???

I know about boofing, I learned about it during one of the more recent us supreme court confirmation hearings

See? Who needs an department of education?!

"Detached HEAD" this is uncanny valley of why LLM should not be used in anything related to psychology. Obviously just HEAD is funny enough but no it came up with detached HEAD (because it doesn't have any mental imagery or empathy, of course). Detached HEAD is a whole another level worse than force push if you ask me.

Why ask LLM for puns anyway? Do you delegate all the fun or activities in your life?

Why ask the thing whose primary strength is language, a question pertaining to language?

Man... maybe I just like to have fun at scale.

"shift left" is another good one.

And off the back of all these terms I got ChatGPT to put together a sales pitch for the worlds first "Enterprise Teledildonics" product. So good.

Introducing: SynSens™ – The Future of Enterprise Teledildonics

Welcome to the cutting edge of intimate connectivity and business resilience. SynSens™ is the world's first Enterprise Teledildonics platform – where penetration testing meets next-gen innovation.

---

Built for Security, Tuned for Pleasure

In today’s evolving digital landscape, it's not enough to just connect – you need to move fast and break things, safely. That’s why SynSens™ comes with advanced red and blue team penetration testing – probing every endpoint to ensure only authorized access achieves full system integration.

Our application firewall uses biometric-aware filtering to prevent injection attacks and detect any man in the middle – because when it comes to pleasure, there should be no unexpected guests.

With our proprietary hardening system, every device arrives battle-tested, ensuring maximum protection – even at rest.

---

Engineered for Agility

SynSens™ is an agile platform. We support hot swapping of paired devices without downtime, thanks to our patented load balancing core. Whether you're across the room or across the globe, we provide a seamless, jitter-free ride.

Need to deploy a new vibe routine? Our release pipeline allows continuous delivery of firmware enhancements straight to your most sensitive endpoints – without interrupting your uptime guarantee.

And if things get intense, don’t worry: our system was designed with burst capacity in mind.

---

Built for Teams, Designed for Intimacy

Whether you're forking the repo for a one-on-one demo or engaging a polycluster scenario, SynSens™ handles even detached HEAD states with grace.

Daily stand-ups now have a whole new meaning – especially when we help you shift left on pleasure testing.

Worried about spoofing? Our haptic key exchange prevents identity hijacking so you always know you're synced with the right... partner.

---

Enterprise-Ready, Emotionally Tuned

With SynSens™, human connection is no longer a bottleneck. Embrace a world where uptime means more time up. Where hot swaps lead to warm smiles. Where system hardening meets soft human touch.

This isn’t just remote intimacy. This is Enterprise Teledildonics.

Let’s sync. Book your penetration test today.

Seeing as you didn't write this, why should we read it?

Seeing as you don't have a sense of humor, you don't have to.

because its funny has hell

If you do enough enterprise teledildonics, you may end up with an excess of Splunk.

Pretty sure in this niche a MITM is called a Lucky Pierre.

If I ever get around to writing a tool for defeating all the HSTS/DoH/cert pinning nonsense in personal/home setting, that's how I'll name it.

If you can demonstrate a novel pathway to inserting large payloads into unsuspecting backends, you may be a good candidate for government jobs.

No one distributes their package like me.

FizzBuzz will become an especially relevant interview question.

my intuition tells me that this problem is best solved using DP

Feel free to do so. As I have started to play with one (Edge 2) this week and the device control part of the documentation is basically empty.

Something something code injection.

Related:

* Deldo is a sex toy control and teledildonics mode for Emacs (github.com/qdot) (2021) https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29207607 | 126 comments

I am now having second thoughts about having named my cat Emacs!

That is also by qDot [1], the Buttplug.io author. When I just looked at their GitHub today, I realized I used their libs in other projects over the years (OpenKinect and libnifalcon). They share lots of great work!

[1] https://github.com/qdot

Awww shucks, thanks :D