With all due respect, chances are this view won't be helpful in the long run. It's challenging enough to influence our own minds or predict with certainty what journeys they'll embark on, let alone assume we can be responsible for another person's happiness.
I think going forward I will always put myself first
I like that phrasing as it doesn't sound selfish in that context and most people can immediately understand why it's necessary.
What a weird point of view. I assume that asking your SO if they’re upset because she’s on her period, you might start to have a good idea of why your SO isn’t happy.
I’d rather be the person I want to be in a relationship, than play weird games about whose happiness matters more, like it’s a competition. But you do you.
Sounds right, relationships require effort to stay healthy. It's not always an easy dance, as veterans of marriage will attest.
No healthy relationship should be a cage containing 2 or more martyrs. If people are accumulating resentment, it's time to seek help or dialogue or renegotiation.
That said, it's a mark of mature introspection and humility to be able to ask for help and support. It's also a mark of maturity and kindness to give help and support.
> My long term partner loves me conditionally (and don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that this is abnormal).
I haven't told anyone but a therapist the abuse I've been facing from a partner because it would break my parents heart. I've been back-stabbed now 3 times from different people I was closest with relationship or friendship-wise over the past decade (because you're right it's conditional).
I honestly don't see how informing friends and family around me that I've been physically attacked many times, forced to wipe all evidence, hunted down, de-escalated 20 bloodcurdling screaming panic attack episodes, stop 2 of their suicide attempts, lied to at every turn, was cheated on, and then abandoned (BPD & drug abuse). I should make the people around me share in how awful I feel? That won't resolve anything, just like the therapist that can't change it.
Being open about it helps each of you spot the other amidst the crowd, provide a sense of community and comraderie that it sounds like you might be lacking. Not only do you both (et al) get helped by it, the experience of helping them can often provide yet another inspiration for feeling less burdened and alone.
Maybe look up some intimate group talk opportunities. These could be informal men's groups, therapy- or church- mediated groups, or 12-step groups (like maybe CODA, in your case). These are almost always private opportunities to achieve what I mention above, where nobody outside the group is going to hear a whiff of what you share, and many of them are free or reasonably priced. And they're lurking all over the place. If you're feeling as defeated and hopeless as you sound, it could make a difference.
That's not bad though. If I stop talking to my partner, I suspect at some point they wouldn't want to stay with me anymore. If I attacked my parents repeatedly, same goes for them
I've come to learn the only unconditional love is that between parent-child
It could also be the parent is too much of a mess(drug addict, etc) that they can't love their child.
Like privacy, people can come up with nice catch-alls like “nothing to hide”, but the default is not abuse.
and the same goes in reverse. i love my wife and only wish the best for her. but that does not mean i need to be blind to her problems, or not expect her to stop doing things that hurt me or others.
In the sense that there might be something you could say to tank a relationship? Sure. But that's a far cry not generally being able to express "unfinished opinions" or any vulnerability, as the original commenter said.
You can leave someone you still love, if they did not meet what you desire out of the relationship. That would still be unconditional love.
But with unconditional love, leaving someone is to heal yourself, not to punish the other person.
>Only your parents might love you unconditionally
I may be nitpicking here, but I find all love is conditional. The difference lies in how easy or difficult it is to meet those conditions.
Being loved conditional has a very thin line to coercive control, though, and this gets easily into abusive territory.
Thats a really wide range too.
By 90 it is increasingly likely your spouse and close friends are mostly dead.
My emotional support network consists of two people, my long-term partner and my parent(s). My long term partner loves me conditionally (and don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that this is abnormal).
Only your parents might love you unconditionally, and they have a pretty decent head start with their mortality.