I also found it odd looking through the whole piece waiting for an example only to reach the end with no idea what these daydreams actually are?

I have this (or something like it). You basically can retreat into a fantasy world that plays out like a movie with yourself as the main character. You can run through any number of imagined Walter Mitty scenarios and feel at least some echo of the emotions - enough to make it quite addictive. It's your standard power fantasy stuff really - imagine the gamut of those Reddit anecdotes that end with "and everyone burst into applause" the whole way up into being world king (why not, it's your daydream!)

So playing out scenarios in your head, essentially. Might sound harmless - there is no question of confusing these daydreams with reality - but you can find yourself retreating into the same ones again and again in a loop, especially when triggered by alcohol or music. I could put on my favourite songs and fantasize literally for hours, replaying the emotions. Endlessly scratching an endless itch. Obviously this might not be conducive with a productive life! I guess it would serve one well in solitary confinement.

I used to think everyone was like this, but it seems quite rare. I don't seem to have a bad case of it, I certainly wouldn't dream of trying to medicate it. But it does make me feel bad about myself sometimes when I overdo it.

Here's an article on it that may clarify more: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/aug/28/i-just-go-in...

Okay that's way more extreme than what I thought. Maybe I don't fall into this category.

Most of my daydreams involve staring out the office window thinking of hiking a trail in a distant locations.

Sometimes I will listen to music and imagine how I might incorporate such a feeling into a movie if I was a director... but I am never a character in the movie, like in your daydreams. I just think about what a great story would be like for viewers to watch.

Mine are complete fantasy and take place in other worlds + don't involve me at all. A lot of my daydreams are worldbuilding or exploring 'interesting' scenarios/situations that characters would end up in. Not really a good way to turn those into real life goals.

I have a really shitty internal sense of self, though.

You could become an author, and at least get paid to dwell in those worlds

Or not. Tension is a key ingredient of fiction that people pays for. If you're imagining a world to flee from reality it could be very bland and unrealistic.

There is LitRPG genre in which tension is not as key an ingredient. Also, there can be consumers of the writeup who don't particularly "buy" a book - so the writeup doesn't have to follow a typical book structure.

I've actually gotten paid for fiction writing before! I'm a good writer, but I despise marketing/branding and also really dislike doing creative work on a deadline/for a living. (It's the same reason I'm not a SWE actually because programming is a creative task for me.)

If they don't involve you at all, perhaps you can convert it into a LitRPG novel - something like CivCEO [1]

[1] https://www.amazon.com/CivCEO-Lit-Accidental-Champion-Book-e...

I’ve had this all my life; and I didn’t know what it was until I came across a magazine article mentioning Eli Somer’s research on the topic. And I was amazed it discover that there were many people experiencing this around the world.

Most of my daydreams are world-building too, over time I’ve “built” cities, countries, continents, governments in my dream ecosystem. Like playing SimCity with daydreams.

Right? I spent decades thinking I was the only one.

> Most of my daydreams are world-building too, over time I’ve “built” cities, countries, continents, governments in my dream ecosystem. Like playing SimCity with daydreams.

Yeeeaaah, there's a lot of geology and fictional politics in my maladaptive daydreaming.

This perspective fails to appropriately recognize ADHD and related phenomena as executive function disorders. Depression, shame, regret, and stress are actually highly correlated with ADHD, OCD etc., because this exact executive function disorder often leads to the sufferer having a less than ideal life.

And so it is akin to telling a person who suffers from real, clinical depression, to "just not be depressed". It's tautological advice.

As for the nature of these daydreams; Understand that it's a general condition. The author's daydreams are likely all over the place, everything at once. My own rapidly change just like a real dream, from happy to sad over and over.

It's not like the author is fixated on buying some dream car or living in a big house. There is an element of compulsive fixation on general daydreaming which can be extremely hard to overcome whenever it is caused by actual disorders in brain structure. For example, ADHD is characterized by a number of gene mutations which lead to reduced number of dopamine receptors throughout the brain. [0]

There is no psychological way to just "get over" this. What needs to happen is society needs to accept that these are real disabilities and it can be just as rude telling someone who has an extreme case "don't dream it, be it," as it is to tell someone with general intellectual disabilities to just "study harder". Then maybe we can stop leaving otherwise very intelligent individuals behind to suffer in lifelong economic and psychological disparity.

[0] https://www.omim.org/entry/143465

If the ADHD symptoms are caused by real, ongoing abuse by someone with say NPD - treating it as an executive function disorder will leave them stuck in a terrible situation, albeit with slightly less dysfunction.

I’ve seen people get more functional - then be immediately attacked by said NPD person (indirectly) through gaslighting and sabotage, which of course put them back where they were. ‘The meds stopped working’.

Or maybe it was the meds stopped working - except for what I saw going on, at least.

Good point. Severe stress and depression can cause a number of symptoms normally presented by ADHD, OCD, etc. While I was young my severe depression and stress came from living in an abusive household under an ex-boxer Catholic deacon and his narcissistic, control-freak wife.

Always told myself things would get better once I got out of the situation; instead I found out the worst symptoms of my mental disorders were simply being masked by external factors.

I recently broke down for an entire day after a judgemental encounter with someone, and learned about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, that I have had it for my entire life and that almost all ADHD sufferers experience it at least once. Just learning about it really helped change my perspective and gave me a way to move forward.

Having had multiple run-ins with narcissists over the years, including my mom, I've had a habit of letting myself get harmed and being trapped by guilt or some misplaced loyalty. Now I know the (at least in part) the source of this habit and can change it.

https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-an...

Not sure if this is related, but interestingly enough too, I’m wondering if RSD is actually a PTSD trauma reaction triggered by the rejection.

If someone was neglected or attacked by a caregiver when they approached them for help, especially if it was infrequent, and repeatedly told they weren’t allowed to feel bad about it/it wasn’t happening/if it was happening it was all their fault, and suffered significant distress because of it - how else would it present?

Especially if it was at an age where they couldn’t process or verbalize what was going on, and the parent was one they couldn’t reject themselves (because they needed them or they’d be orphans or whatever).

If RSD is really due to emotional neglect/rejection based Complex PTSD underlying the whole thing. It would make a lot of sense.

Hmm. I experienced this. As a child, I chewed on my shirt. No one could figure out why. From kindergarten to maybe 4th grade, it was a problem. My guardians' response was to collude with the school administrations and instruct teachers to call me out in class and belittle me if they saw me chewing on my shirt, and to send me to the principal's office. Then I would get beaten/punished at home. This happened with regularity. A lot of shame and punishment.

At the time, I had undiagnosed OCD. And, it turns out, the medicine which I was being given against my will for an ADHD diagnosis I received at age 5, was causing me to experience dry mouth, which made me instinctually suck on the buttons and corners of my shirt. Mystery solved. But two therapists and years of punishment didn't figure that out. I did, in my adulthood.

I had the same experience with uncontrollable, hour-long bouts of laughter which would end in vomiting and extreme stomach pain. Punished for them, told I was just trying to get attention. Turns out that was an expression of OCD. And dozens of other things not worth mentioning. The older I got, the more I came to appreciate the level of misunderstandings about my issues which led to even more violence inflicted upon me.

So that is a possible avenue of explanation for why RSD and ADHD seem to be correlated. After speaking with some friends who have borderline disorder (I don't have this, but I do have bipolar disorder type II) it seems to be something they have experienced as well. And a great deal of BPD cases involve trauma.

There is little doubt that something chemical is taking place given that specific gene mutations seem to cause these disorders, or at least predispositions to them. I'm sure that there is a correlation between RSD and the dopamine reuptake issues which characterize ADHD. But the feedback systems in nature vs nurture mean that these disorders can cause problems which themselves exacerbate the disorders or cause new symptoms to present.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. That is really terrible.

This is a fascinating discussion. I have ADHD and have experienced RSD to an extreme level my whole life. I think the RSD has been more deblilitating than the ADHD, honestly. Up 'til now I just figured I was particularly sensitive, but hadn't considered it was amplified/caused by my emotionally neglectful mother.

That would definitely make a lot of sense.

One of the worst things about emotional neglect is it's a positive feedback mechanism.

You are never taught how to properly tend to the emotions of both yourself and others, so unless you pair with an emotionally well-adjusted partner, you will lack the emotional knowledge required to teach your children better. And what's worse, your brain will relapse into the habits it does have experience, which may often be negative.

Additionally, most (actually) emotionally well adjusted partners want no part of that kind of deal (at face value) for very real and legitimate reasons, so the partners that do end up matching up will often be those who are either lying to themselves (neglect) or others (abuse) about their own emotional state or their own plans.

And boom, we have the wheel and the multigenerational cycle of abuse.

> I recently broke down for an entire day after a judgemental encounter with someone, and learned about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Highly recommend to be radically honest and natural about everything. Every time you get a piece of info about yourself aka natural feedback will immediately enlighten you and help you expand your perspective and move forward.

It's a bit counter-intuitive because so many of us are taught to hold thoughts, words and actions back, but once I stopped doing that, things started to improve massively.

I watched non-ADHD people attempt the same but none of them evolved (my sample is small, 40+ people, I don't have notes on all of them). So far, the only difference I could find, was ADHD-pattern-recognition + that weird ADHD-Naïvité <3

Be very careful with this around folks with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Anything you say can and will be used against you to maximum destructive effect. It can and will eventually save you eventually, but not until you’ve been fed through the meat grinder a few times.

Sounds like you've been through the ringer yourself. I learned very early not to trust or be honest with authority figures.

Linking the people-pleasing to RSD and thus ADHD recently was a massive eye-opener. And the connection between people-pleasing and cutting people off as two sides of the same emotional spectrum.

Yes. I've personally learned it's not just authority figures though. I've had friends and lovers do it too. Trauma bonding is for all kinds of relationships [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding], and folks with traumatic pasts do it pretty naturally sometimes.

Being overly honest to someone who is actually a problem is one of the common behaviors, as is forgetting some/all of their actual problematic behavior when they 'get better' so as to preserve the important seeming relationship.

"However, later on, repeated instances of abuse and maltreatment generate a cognitive shift in the victim's mind: that preventing the abuse is in their power. By the time the inescapability of the abuse becomes apparent, the emotional trauma bond is already strong.[12]"

Specifically, I'm wondering if this particular trait is actually a conditioned response (look up trauma bonding) to narcissistic abuse.

Being fully authentic and honest (regardless of the circumstances) is essentially narcissist bait. And it works.

And at the beginning, narcissists WILL make things better when they have someone like that around. They got their supply, and the love bombing, extreme gratitude, etc. will all help make EVERYTHING feel amazing.

However, at some point dysregulation of one or both parties starts to happen (or one or both parties starts getting bored), and then that gets turned around and the shit starts, and then any authenticity or honesty gets used against the target while the NPD person denies all responsibility.

I'd highly recommend The Evolution of Trust, by Nicky Case. It puts some of these ideas into an interactive framework in the context of game theory.

It shows how interactions between these different kinds of people play out given different population distributions.

https://ncase.me/trust/