> Ive met many self declared introverts who have no problem socializing for long periods in small groups with people they trust absolutely.
How do you know they had no problem socializing for long periods? Did you ask them, or did they just not complain about it to you? Part of the issue for many introverts is the social expectation is often set by a more extroverted culture, and they just try to fit in. That doesn't mean they prefer chatting with you for four hours rather than, say, two hours.
Yes of course. I think pretty much every self declared introvert Ive asked about this had 1-5 people for whom spending time with them didnt "drain" them - e.g. best friend, parent, spouse, etc.
When they described what type of situations drained them that they enjoyed it would generally be something like going to a party where they didnt know anyone.
As far as I can tell this is really just true for a sort of Reddit centric extremely online crowd, in the category of “everyone knows” stuff that just originates from random message board postings that catch on.
> I'm pretty sure this is bullshit.
As an introvert, it's spot on. I have no problems socializing with people, whether I trust them or not. I spend long periods (e.g., days camping) with groups that I trust. I enjoy all of it in the moment. I don't have anxiety. It's all still draining, and I need to spend days alone to recharge after days of socializing, enjoyable or otherwise.
It's just two different ways of describing the same phenomenon. I like the authors because it's much more multi-faceted and easier to find practical applications, at least in my mind. "I enjoy a good amount of solitude, and I've just spent several days socializing, so I'm going to prioritize alone time for the next few days" rather than "I need to recharge so I can be social again." It's similar, but I like the first one better.
As an anecdotal personal example. I love my wife and kids dearly. I trust them, and feel no anxiety being around them. Yet it’s draining. Now they’re gone for a few days, and I feel very good being finally alone for a few days.
Likewise I enjoy getting together with friends and family. I’ve also learned to be sociable. But it’s draining. After a day of having to interact with people I really, really, really cherish being alone for a few hours with my own thoughts, and preferably silence.
We’re different like that, people in general, I mean.
I mean, I do see how someone might believe that just because one finds an activity draining they’d strive to avoid it at all costs. But that really doesn’t have to be the case.
That process of getting comfortable is the relevant context though - not a virtual dial in their brain that goes from "introvert" to "extrovert".
They don't though. You just sound like an extrovert that can't fathom that introverts exist.
Even if my family visit me and I am comfortable with them, I will still be extremely tired when they leave. I won't feel "energised"
likewise i have given presentations on various topics in front of dozens or hundreds of people. my comfort level depended on how well prepared i was, and how the audience reacted. during the speech part anxiety is higher because i get little to no feedback, but then the Q&A can turn things around if people have lots of questions that show their interest in the topic.
oh, and when i am drained, i can't go to sleep. i have to do something interesting for myself for at least an hour or more in order to divert my thoughts away from the draining experience.
Don't know what that makes me but I don't worry about the labels
> I'm pretty sure this is bullshit.
Both me and my SO are more introvert than not.
We've come to the conclusion that one of the core reasons it's so draining for us is that we puts a lot of thought into interactions and conversations, even superficial small talk ones.
At least in our experience, those who appear more extrovert seem to do less of that. They don't seem to reflect over all our actions, or everything we say. Some of it, or at certain times, sure. But seemingly not to the same degree.
If that is the case, then it is more draining, because we exert more mental effort.
> Level of drain = lack of trust in that person X overall level of anxiety
Speaking for myself at least, anxiety has nothing to do with it, nor lack of trust. I don't feel any anxiety striking a random conversation with someone in a bar or with a family member at home. And when I have a random conversation with someone in a bar, it doesn't matter if I trust them or not, because the topics are almost never intimate. With my family members I know I can trust them, so that's moot as well.
But both conversations can be quite draining, and at least for me, I suspect it has more to do with what I described above.
I'm pretty sure this is bullshit.
Level of drain = lack of trust in that person X overall level of anxiety
If you're highly anxious and socializing with people you dont trust (strangers, acquaintances) then the experience will be stressful draining.
Ive met many self declared introverts who have no problem socializing for long periods in small groups with people they trust absolutely.
Ditto self declared extroverts who are "socially performing" in a critical sitation where they will be judged can't help but find the experience draining.