It's not just a psychological "avoid the subject" kind of trick. They literally refuse to give you raises no matter what. In my last job, I was likely the top developer in the company (the company had hundreds of millions of $ of runway just sitting there) and I was putting constant pressure on my boss for a raise and promotion for years (they even admitted that I was one of their top devs). Instead of trying to give me a good deal, the CTO snapped and threatened me with violence - The next day, I continued the discussion and was still pushing forward with my demands (threatening to quit) and they refused to give me anything at all. I had a nervous breakdown right there (first time ever in my entire career) and I ended up rage-quitting (it got to shouting and personal insults).
The only reason I took things this far was because I thought the system would finally yield some rewards once I showed enough initiative and ambition (backed by years of hard work and delivering great results). It didn't.
The system is completely rigged. It's an illusion that there is any kind of meritocracy. Once you really buy into all the "you control your own destiny" rhetoric and start to push yourself and others beyond the limits you thought you were capable of (when you start to impress people with your skills and ambition), you realize that it achieves nothing. It's all a big show.
"It's all a big club, and you ain't in it" - George Carlin
You left - you took control. You didn’t take control early enough however it sounds like, and started interviewing and looking for better options before losing emotional control and exploding.
You could have done that at any time. We often close off our own options and don’t really look to pursue things due to perceived risk, lack of experience, etc.
If you’d come in with a resignation letter, you might have walked out with a raise - and for sure either way had a better deal. If you’re not willing to walk away, you’re never really properly negotiating - you’re asking for favors.
The more you’re able and willing to walk away, the more of a real negotiation it is.
It can take decades to save up the capital necessary to be in this position. Some people have it by nature of who they were born from. It is what is is.
Pay rises happened to me several times. Promotions within the same company, never. The way to step up, as on a proper stairway, is to also step forward.
My manager did the opposite, praised me for being the top dev, gave me a 7% raise, said that's the max they could give anyone, asked me not to tell the others.
The problem with being "the top dev" is there's no one to learn from, so I started looking for other opportunities anyways.
Never mentioned my old salary, and new company offered me 50% more.
And when salary comes up in general conversation the new company frequently mentions apologetically that they're a smaller company who can't afford to pay as much as others.
Raises cap out here at 6% if you're absolutely phenomenal.
I can deliver extremely high quality projects (in very complex areas) at an unparalleled speed and can turn a team of junior developers into 10x developers but nobody cares and many less experienced developers disagree with my approach in spite of the fact that I keep proving them wrong over and over.
To give an idea; I've build a blockchain ecosystem in 1 year for $0 (only paid in the new crypto before it had value)... My closest competitor has been working torwards the same thing for 5 years and it cost them at least $20 million.
There are many unscrupulous bosses that will use underhanded tricks to convince people to take less pay to help widen that margin. In my experience it is ultimately self defeating and results in lower quality people staying. In the short term, it is amazing what people can be convinced to accept (been there when I was younger). It’s also amazing what people can feel entitled too beyond the economics of a situation.
I’m glad you’ve been making some inroads.
Step 1 is fixing the ‘I can’t afford to be out of work’ part - it puts you in an incredibly disadvantaged negotiating position. You’re holding yourself hostage essentially.
Sometimes this is purely psychological (been there). Everything is so stressful it’s too overwhelming to look. It’s worth figuring out a way to get the emotional space there, or you’ll always be stuck.
Sometimes it’s already insufficient pay, in which case figuring out a way to interview for the higher paying job or get credentials for a better role is the best way forward. Sometimes partnerships with others to help save on costs (a classic traditional reason for marriage and cohabitation) can be really good for everyone.
I'm not a hard negotiator and I frankly don't want to be. I prefer to give a little when I can, and I'll just move on if I feel I'm being abused. There are too many other opportunities to stick around where you don't feel appreciated.
In many cases, not feeling valued means you’re not getting the value you could be - and that can literally be millions of dollars over a career difference.
This is why salary negotiations are inherently unfair* (and salary info does get around even in companies that try to keep it secret -- if it's fair who cares if it gets around?)
* unfair because of an asymmetry: a hiring manager with any experience will have a higher n in negotiating hires than any employee will have negotiating their own comp. Also unfair because it pays for more for a skill not needed in most jobs (negotiating a feature in or out of a codebase is not the same thing). It is fair when the job calls for it (e.g. CEO or a VP of Business Development)
Everyone here is talking about it like the company owes you something. They don’t owe you anything. And it goes both ways: you don’t owe them. So get out on the job market and get yourself what you’re worth.
This is how the wealthy class really keep people from moving up. Your pay is forever tied to what you used to make. It's hard enough to break the circuit in your mind, it's near impossible to do so with your employer.
At my current employer, they offered me a 10% paycut to convert from contract to FTE. I could not afford that, but I also can't afford to be out of work. I pushed back gently and eventually agreed to converting at the same rate. I knew other people in the same job were making at least $10k more.
The next guy to convert, was able to negotiate harder and I believe he ended up with a higher rate, despite making less then me as a contractor. He used the knowledge of my pay (and my name) to negotiate, which I would never do to someone, since I started at the bottom. This impacted my relationship with my boss.
The company did later give me a pay correction of about 5%, after 2 other team members quit for higher paying jobs. One of whom was making more then me and one who was probably making less.