> Is it allowed to tell wives who push husbands like that to get jobs themselves?

Certainly its a sign that much better communication is needed in the relationship (and probably, honestly, should have happened before the relationship proceeded to either children or marriage, but aside from warning to people not yet in the situation [0], that's kind of moot.)

That communication probably needs to be a lot more nuanced than "tell wives [...] to get jobs themselves".

> Is it really believed that housework is as hard and stressful as a tech job?

Having done both, I believe it. Of course, there's probably people for whom housework is less or a tech job more "hard and stressful" than is the case for me.

> I feel like we're not really supposed to voice that aloud, but how else is that to be challenged?

Why should it be challenged? Winning some abstract argument about the generalized relative strenuousness of different activities doesn't seem particularly useful.

What is needed in a relationship is mutual communication and working arrangement that functions well for the two parties involved. Abstract generalities are mostly a distraction.

My wife works about 25-30 hours per week. However, she spends most of that on her hobby (more than I spend on the mortgage). She doesn't contribute to any bills other than her gas and tires. I pay all the bills, benefits, utilities. I do all the shopping, cooking, baking, mechanic work, handyman work, projects, legal research (a case she got us involved in because she won't listen to me), medical research (our son has an issue), etc. Of course I watch the kid pretty much as soon as I get off of work most days and on the weekend. She won't let us move to a cheaper area or for me to pursue a different job. For example, there's a position at Google in Pittsburgh that I would have liked to interview for. I'm guessing I wouldn't get it, but I'd like to try. But my feelings and opinions aren't worth anything.

Your marriage sounds like it's completely dysfunctional and a living hell. Finances and work balance aside, the bit about the legal trouble is quite the red flag.

I don't presume to know what the right move is for you, but it sounds like you need to do something. Your situation is not normal. Have you considered couple's therapy? Divorce might also be on the table.

The legal issue isn't a big deal, but I certainly don't need that work on top of everything else. It was for an off-leash dog. The real problem was that we had a totally incompetent trooper make numerous mistakes on the citation, including a mis-citing it as a more serious charge and lying to a judge. I'm trained and licensed by my state in a quasi law enforcement capacity and even I'm shocked at the dysfunction of the system in this case. (On an unrelated matter the previous judge was arrested on multiple charges).

I don't think therapy would help. I would not be happy paying money for someone to just facilitate a conversation. I'll just deal with it until I can't, then I'll quit my job and she'll have to start helping out or listen to me about moving.

> I don't think therapy would help. I would not be happy paying money for someone to just facilitate a conversation. I'll just deal with it until I can't, then I'll quit my job and she'll have to start helping out or listen to me about moving.

Do what you want, but none of that makes sense.

You might find therapy much cheaper than the cost of cleaning up the mess when this gets worse.

That depends on it working. If I've already been open and honest, then what more can a therapist do? The only thing I can think of is the therapist using authority or shame, and that's not allowed.

To me it sounds like me paying money for someone to facilitate a conversation. We aren't hostile, so I don't think that's necessary.

Therapy is more than facilitating a conversation. It may help reframe her (and your) point of view on your relationship. And that doesn't have to entail authority or shame; quite the opposite.

Check if your insurance covers it, some plans do.

> If I've already been open and honest, then what more can a therapist do?

Among other things, figure out why your wife isn’t hearing you

What exactly does she bring to the table for your relationship? Look at your life through that lens. If she left, what would you really lose?

I'm not sure this is a great way to value a person

You only get one life. Start by valuing you. And as a parent you have someone watching and potentially emulating one day.

I say take a stand one way or another.

Very tough situation. I suppose it is difficult to discuss the imbalance.

I've brought it up. She doesn't care. She tells me unrealistic things too.

For example, she says that I should pursue my expensive hobbies too, like track nights with the 1LE Camaro (which I felt I had to sell when getting married). Where would that money come from?! Should I just not pay the mortgage, or stop saving for retirement? She has also said if I don't like my job that I should quit. I've explained that it would be a significant pay cut since I have experience in non-marketable tech (FileNet and Neoxam). Again, where will that difference come from?

I've suggested she pay portion of the bills, but she won't. If she makes 30% of our income, then why can't she pay 20% of our shared bills (mortgage and utilities). I even explained it that way, but she won't do it. Not even a counter offer.

Divorce. You have one life.

I know you have a kid, but they'll grow up to resent you if you stay the course because they don't understand the weight you carry on your shoulders and your wife will have more energy for them.

Divorce will actually be better for your kid. You'll still be able to see them and shape them. Over time, they may favor spending time with you.

Nah, I'll stick it out. Family court would f me over more than this.

I would not give up on discussing the issue. Marriage and love is about giving up and sacrificing for each other. If she can see there is something good about not just being small minded and selfish it will help her in life as well.

All the best! Just remember that you need happiness too.

Family court will be worse the longer you wait.

Stick it out might mean there’s never an end in sight.

That's ridiculously unfair and I'm sorry borderline abusive. If you guys are in a potentially precarious situation financially, then there is absolutely no justification why she should spend most of her earnings on entertainment whilst the bulk of your earnings go to necessities. Any excess earnings from you and her should go towards your family savings for future financial security, your children and retirement. Entertainment/hobbies should be put on the end of the list of things to use excess money on.

Please put your foot down and draw some boundaries (don't ask or beg). Be stern, and give her no choice but to spend her income on the family instead of selfish individual hobbies.

Thanks for the input. It's not a precarious financial situation right now. As long as I have this job, I should be able to support us. I just won't have much money or time for hobbies (the hobbies I do partake in add value, like a garden and mushrooming for food). I also don't have the option of switching jobs. I've talk about cancelling unnecessary things unless she pays for them (the only thing is netflix). She said she'll just mooch off her mom.

You should reconsider the therapy option, it can be worth the money. I’m coming from a similar situation. Went to marriage therapy for 6 months then gave up on that since I thought it was going nowhere. To my surprise a few months after that ended, some deep issue which was real root cause was revealed and now we are finally addressing it and turning the corner on improving the situation.

Why don't you try marriage/couples counseling? I doubt HN can help fix your dysfunctional marriage.

I believe in: everyone pays the same percentage of their salary towards shared expenses. But this kind of stuff should've been hashed out before you got married.

Curious why this is downvoted?

GP never said his wife doesn't already have a job?