There's no way to private message on HN, so I'm just going to leave this here for a little while and delete it.

Call me at -------. I will talk. I will listen. It will be private and not judgemental. I'm not a professional mental health specialist of any sort, but I do feel like when it gets to the point where you actually type out the words like this hearing a friendly voice might help. I'm awake. I'm ready for a call right now. If you don't want to talk today, call me tomorrow, next week, next month, whenever. Write down my number because I can't leave it posted.

1-800-273-8255 <- these people are professionals and can help too.

edit: If you didn't get the number and want it, leave a reply and I'll post again.

I've read all your comments in this thread and believe you. I know what you're describing is extremely painful, but help is available. Other users have mentioned some, and if you feel it might help you're welcome to email me at [email protected].

I'm sorry about the unhelpful replies some other commenters posted. I don't think people do that on purpose. It's because they can't imagine that level of pain, and perhaps don't want to, because it's scary. So it becomes easier to assume that it can't be true and the suffering person must just be trolling. But it certainly can be true, I believe you, and if the voting on comments is indicative, so do most readers.

If you feel its getting bad, seek help! There is always help available, for instance here: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Suicide is not a reasonable choice. Quit. Reset. Declare bankruptcy if you have to. There's no dishonor in a personal struggle.

Money isn't the answer to most of life's problems. Getting in with the right company isn't the solution either.

These jobs are all just jobs. Garnering the approval of a hiring manager at one of these companies should be an ego boost, but not garnering it is no failure at all. It's not a measure of your aptitude or abilities. It's not a measure of you as a person.

It's very easy to get caught up in the moment and get caught up in the pressure of a work environment and lose sight of what matters.

What matters first and foremost is your own mental health. Take care of you. Nobody else can.

> Ive contemplated suicide but i dont know if thats a wise choice.

I don't think it's wise but you can't take it from a rando. So I'd seek objectivity from sources you trust. Many get this from friends. Sometimes friends can't provide everything you need.

If you've never tried therapy or are skeptical about it, I've found that the healthy way to think about it is as an objectivity machine. It's a black box for you to pay money (a.k.a use your nice tech healthcare plan) and get a person who isn't incentivized to lie to you or hurt you / is sworn to your best interest. The value they provide is objective feedback about how you're thinking about the world. Your mind's way of viewing things has blind spots; you're limited by what input data you got as you moved through the world. When you're making decisions / synthesizing your experiences it's incredibly useful to get validation data so that you can measure the performance of your brain-model.

^ Also since every black box isn't equal, if you find that a therapist isn't providing the kind of throughput or trustworthiness that you need, you can shop around.

If you think life isn't worth living, please seek some objectivity because it's a rather drastic decision you have to make that can't be made again.

People have tried to talk sense into me in the past but I’ve been somewhat distrustful. The black box analogy is a good way to reframe my thinking. Thanks!

Same here. Looks like AMZN these days is way easier to get into compared to Google and Microsoft. I couldn't even clear the first rounds at others, but got an offer from Amazon.

The person you replied to is considering suicide, and your only response is to ignore that and agree with the rationale that led them there?

I think he is trolling people with the suicide talk.

From the information I've seen, you and the other commenters expressing this are making a serious mistake. Now just pause and consider what that means—what you're contributing to by being wrong in a situation like this. Is that who you want to be? I'm sure it is not.

Sounded like a dark, tongue-in-cheek response to the "never work for amazon" advice. Like, his only other option is death according to HN commenters, since the only place he got an offer from was amazon.

Or so I hope...

I didn't interpret that way at all, read their other comments. Even if they are just trolling they clearly aren't healthy right now, because that's a pretty fucked joke.

I know people here as a rule aren't very empathetic, but the responses to this person are particularly cold.

The top voted responses are empathetic, which suggests that the bulk of readers are as well.

> tongue-in-cheek response

I think you are correct.

> Ive contemplated suicide but i dont know if thats a wise choice.

... I think you need to talk to someone about this, because you've got an incredibly distorted sense of perspective, and suicide is never a wise choice. There are always alternatives.

It is most definitely not a wise choice. Just ask yourself this question: If you _did_ get that google job you were after, would all of your problems end, would you be happy? Chances are you'll still be struggling with depressive thoughts and coming up with ways to make yourself unhappy. You've done some cool stuff already and have a resume most others would kill for, I promise (pretty much everyone coming out of bootcamps). I think you just need some professional help and someone to talk to. You are so much more than the job you have and the code you write.

There's slot of companies out there to work for with great people don't think success relies on working for one of the top five tech companies choose life dude.

Quit today.

https://xkcd.com/1768/

You'll be OK.

That attitude is a reflection of your internal perceptions. I got into all the companies mentioned and I chose Amazon as my first choice.

Now that you're in Amazon your chances of getting into F, G, etc are higher. Believe it or not but the first tier hires plenty from the second tier - and I think Amazon is above second tier.

I have no doubt I'll get another interview at Google at minimum, the question is if I'll be able to pass it. The answer is a resounding "no" if I couldn't pass it now.

Do a ton of Leetcode (and read up CTCI).

I have, but I haven’t gotten much better. The average Stanford freshman can (and does!) easily outperform me.

Work to live, don't live to work.

If Amazon is your last resort, you are clearly in an extremely (extremely!!!) lucky position and you should reflect upon that. For a lot of people, a "last resort" job is cleaning restaurant bathrooms or working in abattoirs. You've got options that are putting you in the upper-tier of working people.

yes, but cleaning bathrooms doesn't make you want to kill yourself.

Speak for yourself.