I'm floored, angry, and in pain over this story. It's abuse. Maybe it strikes something for me personally because of the abuse I suffered growing up...

I've seen first hand how family can be complicit. I mean you didn't mention beatings or other kinds of physical abuse, so it's not that bad right? No, it's that bad. It reinforces the behavior for both the abuser and the victim.

My advice, please stop doing nothing. Take her in, let her keep her paychecks. Help her find herself. Give her love, patience, and help her finally be free. I don't know. I want to say "do as much as you feel comfortable doing" but she needs the kind of help you're not comfortable providing.

You obviously care enough to set aside money for her retirement. I'd disown the aunt. It's going to get ugly. You're taking away her livelihood. But you know that. It's why it seems best to do nothing.

Then again, I didn't have a savior, I had a breakdown. I was willing to never speak to my family again. I was ready to be alone. And I was for a time.

I'm sorry, I wish there was a clear cut answer. I can't tell you the amount of physiological damage that was done and it didn't even become clear just how bad it was until I got far far away from it.

Even now, nearly a decade after I had enough, and broke away from it. It's still hard. So hard and fear inducing I created a throwaway account just to post this.

Please do something. If nothing else help clarify her immigration status right before referring the case to authorities.

You should talk to a experienced shrink or a psychologist about what the best outcomes for her might be. Sounds like she is dealing with what they would call traumatic attachment. Best outcomes for the individual won't be intuitive in such cases. Also there will be a psychological cost to you for opposing what your family might think is right. It's always good to be understand how to handle it before taking any stand.

This is where an experienced counsellor can make a huge difference. They usually have seen many such cases and have a sense of possible positive outcomes.

The big unknown here seems to be her immigration status. Your family actually may well not know it.

What her actual status is in the eyes of Uncle Sam, and what can be done to possibly fix it should be easily discovered by contacting your nearest immigration lawyer.

The first consultation is maybe $100 (long time since I dealt with this), and then they can tell you what the options and costs are.

Once the immigration status is understood, the options will be much clearer.

I would think fleeing a life of slavery is a good argument for asylum.

can you claim asylum for abuse suffered in the country you fled TO? Doesn't the abuse need to be in the country you are from (the one they will deport you to)?

Actually in the US there is a process for granting residency to abused spouses and children:.

https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/battered-spouse-children-...

I have heard that it's fairly lenient and the cousin described by OP might fit into that category for immigration status. IANAIL.

I think you already did the first step: you were courage enough to speak about the problem, even if anonymously. Now that your mother has died, you only need to fight your aunt where blood bonds are much weaker.

Don't stop now: your sister needs you and your mind needs peace.

Rhetorical questions (that you've probably already asked yourself many times):

Why are you letting this happen and what do you fear will happen if you do something about it?

Many people are hesitant to intervene in something that will likely destroy their own family. This should not be surprising at all. It happens all of the time in family abuse cases.

Family like this is worth destroying.

Said the person who didn't have to destroy their family. Once you are an adult, a family cannot realistically be replaced.

You can have children but children are not the kind of family you can depend on and look up to for advice. You can also marry into another family, but frankly the same strength of bond is just not there (guess which person that family will choose to side with if you get a divorce).

It takes a pretty seriously bad family for it to be worth destroying because people don't want to lose that irreplaceable attachment.

I know several people who cut ties with their toxic family. It's painful, but sometimes it's necessary. They replace their family with friends. Good friends who support them.

In cases where only one or a few people are abusive, it may be possible to gather the rest of the family and continue a healthier family without the toxic people.

That's incredibly easier said than done, especially from a cozy armchair. Have you not heard of Stockholm syndrome? Situations like this are not so cut and dry.

Worth thinking about: is it worth destroying a dysfunctional but happy family? Are our own standards for freedom worth enforcing on other people's life?

I'm also thinking about that last child in Arrested Development. A lot of families and people are dysfunctional. But are we functional enough to tell them what to do?

There is another aspect to this. Consider 911, you had 4 planes full of people and yet it is believed that only 2 - 3 people on a single plane did anything to stop the hijackers (ultimately saving many lives at the cost of their own).

Uncommon valor is prized and honored simply because it is so uncommon. It is easy to say how you would act in a situation from the comfort of your keyboard but when the shit hits the fan are you sure that you are part of the exceptional 5%? Or are you just another passenger trying to get home? Perhaps OP is just like most people, not wanting to rock the boat and trying to get on with his life. Having walked a few miles in his shoes are you certain you'd do any different? I'd like to think I would but I'd be dishonest to confidently claim it. "Some cats surf, Some cats make the waves"

At the time, the assumption was that the plane would be flown away, passengers held hostage for some demands, then released. The first planes had no reason to think that they were going to die when the hijackers struck. Passengers on the final plane heard by phone of the other attacks and so knew better what they were dealing with. And it was more than 2 or 3 of them that did anything once they did know that.

> dysfunctional but happy

That is an oxymoron. When someone is "happy" to live in the rain and snow on concrete without a roof, because some abuser told them if they move from there, the world will eat them and torture them in hell forever, they're not actually happy, they're trapped in a shit situation by the lie that any attempt to free themselves from it would make it worse. The fact that what they feel is happiness makes this worse rather than better. We can forgive the abused for not knowing better, but we can't stand by idly and pretend that's their free choice without becoming guilty.

> Are our own standards for freedom worth enforcing on other people's life?

Yes. If you disagree, and expect that to be any more than wind to my ears, you're just trying to force your standards for freedom on others, so your own argument defeats itself before it even hits the ground.

> A lot of families and people are dysfunctional. But are we functional enough to tell them what to do?

Same thing: Are you functional enough to tell me I'm not?

You setup a strawman and then tear it down (living outside with no shelter).

However, the scenario here is basically the same as having a garnished wage. You will need to provide some evidence that it is impossible to be happy living with a garnished wage.

What if they "do something about it" and it turns out no one wanted their "help" and they alienate both their aunt and the "slave"? That would be the obvious question on my mind. Especially if you do something irreversible like call the government to intervene.

This is a fine-edged and very delicate situation. That is why I encouraged the OP to seek legal guidance. The first step isn't to call in the government, but to gain access to advocates that can work with his/her family to separate fact from fiction.

With outside counsel (legal, psychological, or both) involved, if the OP has misunderstood the nature of the family members' relationships, it will be revealed. On the other hand, if the situation is abusive, having an objective third party there for support and advice will be extremely important.

I am not trying to downplay the emotional difficulties present here. Fearing that you may alienate portions of your family is entirely understandable. But not acting means you are complicit.

If you see someone who is in trouble and who needs help, face your fears and work to build the support structures that will return to them their "voice" and personal agency going forward.

I think this qualifies for Adult Protection Services, in the sense that there's a social disability due to the prolonged lack of exposure to the real world:

http://www.napsa-now.org

You may want to Google for the one in your region or city.

PLEASE report it.

My mother was telling me that in her village, in the country side of France, some of her classmates ran away to her house (my mother's father was the mayor of the village).

These were foreign kids that were adopted by farmers. They would get mistreated in class and mocked by other kids (which my mother found normal until this accident happened) and they would get exploited in the fields by the farmers.

Apparently this would happen a lot. Farmers would adopt these kids and exploit them. Don't know if this is still happening.

I was born in country side in France (Morbihan) but I never heard that farmers would adopt kids to exploit them. The closer to this that I know are some professional foster people [1] who have a bad reputation among the orphans that I met, that said I know also some perfect foster people. Those "professionals" are usually themselves quite poor and it is a second job for them (or at least for the spouse).

However I read on BBC news some stories that are more similar to slavery in UK and in Switzerland [0]. If we trust BBC (I do) in UK there are still awful slavery stories.

[0] http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-29765623

[1] "Famille d'accueil" in French, see https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aide_sociale_%C3%A0_l%27enfanc...

I googled and found out that there is actually some nasty history related to my fact: https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enfants_de_la_Creuse

> Les enfants réunionnais déplacés en Creuse étaient accueillis lors de leur arrivée dans un foyer de Guéret5. "Certains ont été adoptés, d'autres sont restés en foyer ou ont servi de main-d'œuvre gratuite dans les fermes6", les paysans à travers la Creuse les utilisant alors comme « bonne à tout faire » ou « travailleur sans salaires »

That is true, now that you mention this, I remember there were other similar cases in France.

Thanks for the information.

I have no helpful advice, but MAN some people are evil. I can't think of another word for it.

Rather than seeking counsel from HN, may I strongly recommend you find a practicing family and/or immigration lawyer if you really want to help?

I commend your action of putting money away, but based on your description, your cousin has been/ is being subjected to familial abuse. Reach inside yourself and find the courage to inform someone. Seek help from those qualified to give it, please.

s/"Rather than"/"In addition to"

I agree with @edward_rolf's criticism of my original phrasing, the first sentence can be improved.

Very good advise, apart from the "rather than".

> Even though I always objected to her treatment, I feel complicit.

As an adult who knows this is happening and allows it to continue, you are complicit. There's lots of good advice in this thread. Please do something.

> As an adult who knows this is happening and allows it to continue, you are complicit.

Do you use consumer electronics? Do you know the conditions at Foxconn, or any factory in China? More to the point, do you know how polluted China is right now, and how much manufacturing destroys the country?

So therefore, by your logic, you are complicit.

Go to the police perhaps? Enforce it? Lock through the paper yourself and try to figure out if this is okay?