Isolation has a feedback that makes it hard to break out of once you're in really deep. The more desperately lonely you are, the worse your social skills.
Strangers are strange when you're a stranger.
i cant believe anymore that "negative self-talk is bad for you" has to lead to "the negative self-talk is false." because frequently it's exists as a defense mechanism. it's likely i've just trapped in the spiral too long. but i don't have enough counterexamples to disprove them. the longer i chose to go on the more counterexamples i accumulated until it was too much.
from this I concluded that I needed a type of relationship closer to a steward...but there's a reason people beyond a certain age don't seek out those relationships. it creates a power imbalance that is ruinous. i didn't know this. i spent years in that kind of friendship. i paid the price. i do feel like i wasted their time.
Timing and location is super important too though I haven't figured out the best places. Haven't had much luck at bars and stuff despite that being a common suggestion. Everyone seems to be there already with a social group and have zero interest in meeting a stranger.
"How to talk to anyone" would be my first recommendation.
He explained it is a skill, which needs to be learned, while many people use an app because it reduces their anxiety.
For me, I'm a bit of a screen junkie with social anxiety. One of my blockers was negative self-talk. I would think, "They're going to get angry. They're going to ignore you. They're busy. You're going to waste their time."
I started replacing that with images of the person being interested and delighted by the interaction. That helped, but I also knew that wasn't realistic if I just walked up and blurted out, "Hi, I'm an isolated remote dev and I'd like to talk." Someone might be sympathetic, but I didn't want sympathy; I wanted people to have fun. So I started using the techniques I mentioned.
This can all be learned from books on small talk, personality psychology, social dynamics, etc. But unfortunately, it's rarely talked about or taught, at least in my circles. And people are suffering as a consequence.