A lonely man in his 30s found community in an unlikely place: spin class

Re:A lonely man in his 30s found community in an unlikely pl... by dyauspitr on Tuesday September 17, 2024 @01:38AM (#41564489)

Eh I enjoy a constant back and forth, makes me feel at home and nothing is left unsaid. I know at least some of my friends I’ve known for decades would come very close to giving their life for me as would I. You sound like someone that has had a lifetime of acquaintances.

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Re:A lonely man in his 30s found community in an unlikely pl... by maxbond on Tuesday September 17, 2024 @01:43AM (#41564533)

That's total projection I'm afraid. I think you're assuming that, if I have an experience in any way dissimilar, I must not have friends? I'm just guessing because this is a non sequitur. Thankfully, that's not the case.

To be clear, it's exceedingly rare that I've had to kick people out of my life. And if you say that you and your friends engage in mutual banter, then I believe it. I've enjoyed some banter in my time.

It's not clear to me if you're saying there's a pattern in your life of friends becoming "too sensitive," but if there is, I do think that's something to interrogate.

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Re:A lonely man in his 30s found community in an unlikely pl... by standardUser on Tuesday September 17, 2024 @04:09PM (#41572139)

Who needs a "back and forth" when you can just say what you mean. I give my male friends big, long hugs and tell them I love them. If there's a problem, I talk to them about it. If I fuck up, I sincerely apologize.

Not that you can't do all that AND give each other some shit. But if you aren't doing all that I suggest giving it a shot.

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Re:A lonely man in his 30s found community in an unlikely pl... by maxbond on Tuesday September 17, 2024 @05:09PM (#41572768)

I think there's a few things at work:

1. Men are socialized to only be emotive in aggressive or masculine ways. Expressing vulnerability is met with mockery until you learn to stop doing it.

2. Sometimes people don't know how to communicate in a way that's effective without being tactless. Sometimes they think such communication isn't possible, expressed in cliches like "truth hurts", "I'm just showing you tough love" or "you need to grow a thicker skin." (Sometimes this works, but in my experience it's actually a lot easier to communicate if you don't express yourself in a way that's personal and insulting, it distracts from what you actually want to discuss. My policy for expressing uncomfortable criticism is, "speak plainly and clearly, drop the superlatives, and get it done sooner than later.")

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Re:A lonely man in his 30s found community in an unlikely pl... by standardUser on Tuesday September 17, 2024 @06:06PM (#41573373)

> 1. Men are socialized to only be emotive in aggressive or masculine ways.

Some men, absolutely. Most men? Maybe. But I removed those kinds of people from my life years ago. The few men I involuntarily socialize with are coworkers, mostly programmers, and they tend to be on the less macho side generally, thank god.

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Re:A lonely man in his 30s found community in an unlikely pl... by maxbond on Tuesday September 17, 2024 @06:35PM (#41573609)

To be clear I just meant there was pressure to behave that way, not that it's destiny.

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Re:A lonely man in his 30s found community in an unlikely pl... by dyauspitr on Tuesday September 17, 2024 @07:46PM (#41574099)

I removed the emotive kind. I’m not comfortable around them and I find them to be heavily involved with their identity and defining themselves and less about building things and going places. These are obviously broad strokes but anecdotally they have generally held true.

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