That still sounds so alien and crazy to me. My friendship, when I grew up has always been a good mix of men and women. We never cared about that. No one gave a shit if anyone got naked and changed clothes (or for whatever reason). And a few of them had a relationship with eachother. In the friend group there was never anything sexual. We were/are just friends. It's weird to me that people think it ain't possible
Your situation doesn't seem "normal".
This perspective is so mind-blowing to me. I'm Western European, and all of my male friends have female friends, all of my female friends have male friends. That's what's normal to me. When I hear people say things like "friendship between men and women always has sexual tension," that's what sounds "not normal" to me.
I guess it has a lot to do with cultural norms and gender roles.
I have no idea how common these types of situations are elsewhere.
I'm from central/eastern Europe, and I feel a little bit of WEIRD bias [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology#WEIRD_bias] in many opinions presented here.
I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just finding myself more and more blocked when it comes to discussing such topics.
Your friends have friends of different sex - I get it, but for how long we would have to debate here to check if there really is no sexual tension there. Where does relationships come from then in those groups? None of those friends become pairs/partners? There are no ex-lovers who after 10-20 years are coming back together from the "friendship phase". Etc.
On the other hand, I never said that there is only sexual tension. Just that it's hard for me to imagine a world where it's not important.
And some I hope to someday fool around with!
It's not simple, but the vast majority of the time it is not a problem either. The real problem comes from jealous partners, and I personally would never date someone who is so jealous that they cause problems with my existing friendships.
For example, I'm friends with most of my exes. We're all in new relationships. I sometimes go out for dinner with one of them to catch up on life and talk. There is no sexual tension at all, because we are in different relationships, so sex is not something we even think about!
If we were both single and an ex would call me and ask if I'm alone tonight and if she can drop by and watch a movie, then that would be a completely different situation, and there very likely would be sexual tension. But this is highly situational and has more to do with circumstances than with the people involved.
Just because I had sex with a person in the past or might in the future or could in theory does not mean that there is constant sexual tension between us.
Lot's of friendships start with brief dating/hookup that doesn't lead anywhere romantically. And frequently major relationships leave bonds that persist after the relationship ends. I'd be hard pressed to think of ANYONE I know who does not have at least one friendship like that (I'm early 40s).
If people agree that they like each other, then there is sexual tension, because they both instigate that sexual tension.
If they aren't attracted to each other, then there's obviously no chance of sexual tension in the first place.
For some people I see on the Internet, sex seems to be an overwhelming factor in their lives, and they see all relationships through that lens, but I've never observed that in real life. Sex and romantic relationships are just one part of people's lives, and most friendships are never perceived through that lens.
Edit because I read your other comment: sure there might have been cheating and other sorts of trouble. But iirc envy never played a role.
But I envy you living in a snowflake world without insecurities, cheating, divorces, etc.
Sometimes in life we develop defense mechanisms that are self defeating. I bet a lot of us are familiar with the conundrum of the IT department that always says "no." The environment becomes too constrained for work to be done, so the rest of the business develops shadow IT out of necessity.
Telegraph to your partner that it's unsafe to discuss their friendships with the opposite sex with you, and they will start hiding that information from you.
It works especially well if they are also in relationships and if your partner is also in your social circle. Couples hanging out with other couples is a really strong basis for friendship.
That's not a healthy relationship.
My husband and I have been in a rock solid relationship for over a decade, and we don't have any issues with opposite-sex friendships. It would be weird if we did because it would mean that we couldn't have any mutual friends and share a social life together as a couple. That seems really unnatural and unhealthy to me.
For instance, if someone's partner said they couldn't be friends with men/women, and then tried to create distance between them and their family, then I would advise them to leave that relationship immediately. That would be a dangerous situation.
Given the right circumstances, even an evidently unlikely scenario can become more plausible in the mind of the other, and you only ever have your own perspective to rely on in terms of what you think those scenarios or the predicate conditions are.
That doesn't mean it will happen or has happened or should be considered as a real possibility, but imo it does mean that if people could control for it, it wouldn't catch them off gaurd, which necessarily depends on it being unexpected.
And maybe any of those thoughts are indicative of being in a bad place relationship wise, it happens from time to time, it can be talked about, things aren't constant forever
I would never subject myself to that kind of relationship.
It's very easy to leave the sexual element out of your co-ed relationships.
It's very easy to have things in common with the opposite gender.
Women tend to be extremely willing to talk about their feelings while men bottle them up due to societal expectations and gender norms, so women make great friends for men.
If your significant other can't handle you having friends of the opposite sex they are not being reasonable. (It's not like you have to have sleepovers or something!)
If I'm understanding that the root of this so-called "logic" is in the threat of mutual attraction with someone other than the partner.
What do you suppose a monogamous bi person would do?
All this normalized controlling jealousy out there is so strange and sad to me as someone in open relationships full of bi people. We're happy for each other if someone has a good time when we're apart, we all hang out together and have a good time, even go to furry cons and get up to shenanigans together.
From what I recall of a lecture I once listened to on human sexual behaviors, the drive to at least have encounters with multiple people is very common and makes evolutionary sense as far as adding diversity to your offspring pool.
I'll go as far as to say the expectation of strict monogamy is a repressive social norm that leads to needless heartache and shame from the effects of cheating, on both parties - of course breaking the boundaries of a relationship is one's own avoidable choice, and the cheater is wrong to do so and bears the blame here, but the fact that it's such a common occurance supports the argument here - the repressed urge was so strong it overrode their care for the relationship. How many relationships would have been saved if sex wasn't seen as such a big deal? In the age of contraception, PreP, vaccines, etc. I don't see the value to society in strict sexual monogamy as a norm.
If you allow a partner this much control over your life, you'll suffer for it. If you're pre-suffering in hopes of landing a partner who will mistreat you, you're missing out on life (and potential healthy partners who expect you to not be a weirdo in the presence of other women). Turns into a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Take note of the other men talking about their successes in this regard before dismissing the concept out of hand. Or, take it from a lesbian: most of my friends are women. If women were hard-wired to hate their partners' female friends, we wouldn't ever show up to a softball game. It's the culture: seek people whose culture provides a stable and healthy basis for life.
Also, if you are in a relationship, having friendships with other females will likely be a problem.