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Re:Why doesn't advice work? by pdimitar on Tuesday July 30, 2024 @12:02PM (#41110570)
Will second that many times. As a fairly proactive guy who almost never leaves any loose ends in his relationships, I overdid giving the advice and some people started avoiding me. I was bitter about it until I realized they did not want their problem fixed, they sought sympathy.

Nothing wrong with that, it's just that my mind immediately jumps to potential solutions.

But I was severely humbled on that front after I have allowed a super dark period in my life (7-8 years, still ongoing but is now being actively attacked and positive signs are starting to get visible). I began to understand that there are also situations where you can't do almost anything but you still need a kind word.

So I started giving that and only vaguely hinting at the potential of an advice (so subtle that most people missed it which I am very okay with) and lo and behold, the new people in my life love chatting with me.

We have a saying in our country: "You can't force-feed wisdom and shove it down people's throats like you would do for a sick person who still needs food".

Re:Why doesn't advice work? by gedy on Tuesday July 30, 2024 @02:09PM (#41112302)
> until I realized they did not want their problem fixed, they sought sympathy.

That goes both ways, as many of the people I've run into who just want sympathy, can bring a lot of stress on the listeners. E.g. I can't take hearing complaints about abusive partners, etc so that they feel a little better for the moment, then they march right back to them.

Growing up with a serious complainer caused me to instinctively try and fix issues, and to avoid if you don't want that type of help.

Re:Why doesn't advice work? by pdimitar on Tuesday July 30, 2024 @04:05PM (#41113561)
Quite true. I am not advocating for "always listen" and even if that brands me as a monster I very often do NOT advocate for "always be kind" -- there are many people whose problems I have zero patience for.

My bigger point was that if you consciously chose to sit or take a walk with that person and if you truly care then you should make sure they feel listened to and understood before giving advice -- if you give advice at all.

This presupposes that you care about that person which I'll immediately agree is not a given for most people you'll ever meet.

Re:Why doesn't advice work? by kelseyfrog on Tuesday July 30, 2024 @03:53PM (#41113458)
Absolutely. No one can listen or provide sympathy indefinitely. Trying to is a short path to burnout. Almost everyone could benefit from being listened to, but I have to remember, it doesn't always have to be me
Re:Why doesn't advice work? by lazide on Tuesday July 30, 2024 @03:50PM (#41113419)
Yup. Sometimes all the listening is doing is enabling a very dangerous situation.

If someone is the recipient of that kind of complaining as a kid from a parent, it would also explain some ‘don’t even try that towards me’ reactions.

Re:Why doesn't advice work? by redsaz on Tuesday July 30, 2024 @08:25PM (#41115402)
We have a similar saying: "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make 'em drink." At least, it seems similar to me.
Re:Why doesn't advice work? by pdimitar on Tuesday July 30, 2024 @08:52PM (#41115555)
Oh yeah, that's exactly what I mean. Thanks for reminding me the English / American idiom.