(I'm not saying this is specific to boys, don't read too much into pronouns.)
And why the article's guide point is 'Encourage them to share their struggles — with you, of course, but also with other trusted adults, a therapist or even friends.', not 'Encourage them to share their struggles with all their acquaintances'.
If one man has the resources within themselves to eventually learn to adapt and overcome to any situation, imagine how much stronger and how quickly you can become strong by combining the resources and understanding of many men.
Sharing your struggles and asking for help is NOT the same thing as "standing around crying about their struggles".
Asking == crying.
In the western paradigm of masculinity it absolutely does. (And if you want to tear down the western paradigm of masculinity, I'd suggest making sure you have a better replacement ready first)
First, I'll give you that western paradigm of masculinity does make it likely that a male asking for help will make you look weak. However, I'd drive in even harder. If you are struggling, are you "already weak". You lack the capability and resources to easily resolve the challenge at hand. All you are doing is hiding your weakness. You are bluffing. You are being the guy who seems all stable on the surface until, SNAP, he's some unreliable flaky shit face who can't take the pressure.
You're not being strong. You're not being helpful. You're being brittle. You're setting yourself, and those who depend on you up for a sudden, surprising failure.
Second, I'd say that the western paradigm of masculinity does actually provide room to maneuver. Actually -asking- for help is yes... a bit dodgy. But complaining (ie, sharing your challenges) is absolutely in the cards. And there's plenty of space for men to be good friends and supporters for other men, to help them through challenges, even if you do not ask for help. The 'unexpected save/help from the initially non-committal friend' is a common trope. Being the guy who helps out is absolutely part of our common western culture.
Finally, I don't want to tear down the western paradigm of masculinity. I hardly thinking adding the attribute "be willing to ask for help when the situation demands it" is tearing down. If anything it's building up.
> You're not being strong. You're not being helpful. You're being brittle. You're setting yourself, and those who depend on you up for a sudden, surprising failure.
Not convinced. "Fake it till you make it" is pretty masculine. So is noble failure against overwhelming odds. Someone who needs help and doesn't ask for it may well be held in higher regard than someone who doesn't need help and ask for it.
> And there's plenty of space for men to be good friends and supporters for other men, to help them through challenges, even if you do not ask for help. The 'unexpected save/help from the initially non-committal friend' is a common trope. Being the guy who helps out is absolutely part of our common western culture.
Sure. So enabling more of that would be a good move. Maybe rebuild some of the male social spaces that have been systematically torn down over the last few decades.
> I hardly thinking adding the attribute "be willing to ask for help when the situation demands it" is tearing down. If anything it's building up.
Culture is tricky and complex. You can't just change one thing and expect it to not have knock-on effects. Coming up with ways to make it safer for men to get help would be a positive change. But just telling men they need to ask for help might well do more harm than good.
Then tell me how I, someone who no longer struggles with the topic in question, that it's too tough and not worth trying and just wants to give excuses? Yeah. That's weakness.
The men are the same, whether they seek emotional support or not. However, seeking emotional support gets them treated very differently verses not seeking it and it is rarely in a compassionate way.
Basically you get answers like:
“Man up”
“Grow a pair”
“Boys don’t cry”
“Life is harsh, get used to it”
Last but not the least: “psychologists are for weak people with mental problems, not for you”.
Two more observations again based on my life experience:
1. Weakness is generally accepted in girls/women, largely acknowledged and supported. Can’t say the same for boys/men.
2. Often times I’ve been said the above phrases either by girls/women of my same age or by people like teachers/educators.
Basically you end up appearing weak, sometimes get mocked, and in general you’re better off shutting up and keeping stuff inside. Over the years I’ve developed quite a cynicism, that I acknowledge and that (sadly?) works fairly well.
We don't cry because we manage our emotions. We know words cannot physically harm us. If it's truth, acknowledge it. If it's a lie, it can be ignored and the liar pitied.
Teaching violence because it teaches respect, physical limits, and healthy lifestyle. We know how to be gentle because we are strong. We will kill bad guys. We will be good guys. Violence can lead to death. We love life and will protect it.
A child capable of this kind of violence needs to have their emotions in check. He gets hurt? Ask for a hug. Ask for advice how to win.
People aren't equal. We don't pretend. We don't go 100% against smaller or less trained. We don't expect everyone to behave as we do. We don't all value the same things. We can still be friends. We can ignore inequity. Sometimes we have more or can do more than others. We do not boast. Sometimes we have less. We do not whine or envy.
He is a man and no longer has to obey me when he tells me he can be responsible for himself. Until then I get to discipline him and limit his freedom. We explore freedom along with the responsibility.
Life is harsh and wonderful.
Words can absolutely physically harm you. Have you ever felt your heart beating fast when someone says something that upsets you? At some point that might become a heart attack.
> I was not prepared to hear over and over from men how the women — the mothers, sisters, girlfriends, wives — in their lives are constantly criticizing them for not being open and vulnerable and intimate, all the while they are standing in front of that cramped wizard closet where their men are huddled inside, adjusting the curtain and making sure no one sees in and no one gets out. There was a moment when I was driving home from an interview with a small group of men and thought, Holy shit. I am the patriarchy. Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust.
I posted this on HN before, and out of the woodworks came all the anecdotes of bad reactions to male vulnerability. I strongly advise other men to not discuss their feelings in depth with any woman they have romantic interest in, and possibly women in general since I've seen mothers similarly affected.
I've been in relationships where I couldn't talk about my problems, and being unable to talk about them didn't make those problems disappear.
I get open and vulnerable and emotional with my partner, and I have since the beginning. Hasn’t hurt things yet. Maybe that’s still coming, but again, I’d rather be single.
Emotional vulnerability and openness is predicated on trust. If you can't trust your partner to be there when you express yourself, then you have a serious problem. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship.
Average looking men are already dealing with an incredibly challenging dating market. Now you add on that they have higher expectations for their partners behavior - you're going to be completely alone for the rest of your life.
I hate to say it but the reality is - you're better off trying to mold/brainwash/train your partner to become more accepting of men's feelings than looking for some unicorn that already accepts them.
so maybe there was some self selection going on rather than intent from my side. but that also counters the idea that it's a unicorn. but there is also a cultural dimension, as i was traveling the world, most people i met did not come from western countries. so maybe they are a unicorn in the western cultures.
The disdain and even revulsion makes them think it was their idea. Revulsion is the correct term for it; now trending is women endlessly discussing what gives them "the ick" when it comes to a prospective mate. A tear at anything other than your mother's funeral? You'll get dumped soon.
It's like a dreadful little magic spell and one of the components you use up at each casting is your faith in what society at large tells you.
As men, when we need people the most, that is when they are nowhere to be found. A stark contrast with women, who naturally seem to support each other in such times, and aren't hung up on the social stigma that encumber men.
In his excellent review [1] of Nostalgia Critic's idiotic, embarrassing and awful review of The Wall, Dan Olson points out that much of the part of the film that Doug makes fun of is specifically the main character being told to hide/suppress emotion and struggling with that and failing.
In other words, the "satire"'s primary take is basically that men showing feelings is being strictly something to be mocked.
I would be curious to see a study on what happens to those men who do seek it. As in every last case I anecdotally am aware of, that perception quickly became reality and those men regretted it.