> The idea that asking someone how they are feeling is an "emotional deep dive" is a portion of the problem.

I would argue that the "emotional deep dive" example is not merely asking how someone is feeling.

> it sounds like you’re processing some big feelings right now, let’s talk about what’s going on for you

Speaking from experience when I was a kid, being spoken to in this manner always felt belittling.

* * *

Well, you might be somewhat right, but that sort of talk never came from my parents. It always came from authority figures at school or summer camps.

> Speaking from experience when I was a kid, being spoken to in this manner always felt belittling.

I think a lot of it comes down to how people usually communicate with the kid.

Like I can’t possibly imagine my Dad saying “Looks like we got some big feelings here, want to talk about it?” It sounds so silly and patronizing.

But “Boona, I can’t help unless you tell me what’s wrong” is completely normal to my ears.

For all intents and purposes they’re the same question though. I think kids just just know us more than we give them credit for, so if you pull out the “Journal approved parenting voice” when that’s not how you talk normally they’ll react accordingly.

Nothing about either phrasing sounds condescending to me. However, communication is more than words.

You can ask about feelings with a gentle tone, a supportive gaze at eye level, and a hand on the shoulder. Or you can do it from above with an eye roll and a sarcastic bite.

I can easily see a frustrated parent giving in to their own emotions and using the latter approach.

I think it is an in-depth activity, actually. I can’t recall a single time in my childhood where my being defiant, tardy, intentionally boundary pushing, fighting people or otherwise annoyingly rebellious has been responded to with asking what are my feelings that are making me want to do that behavior. I’m just told to quit it or $punishment.

It is if you were never really asked how you were feeling growing up.

I didn’t realize I could sit and process my feelings until I was in college.

And honestly, my upbringing was pretty stable as far as things go—my parents were weird, but whose weren’t.

It's something for a trained professional to do, see...

> Asking a family member how they are feeling should not be considered an in-depth activity.

Why not?

Of all the people in the world I ask “how are you feeling” it’s my family that I both expect and receive the most in-depth answers and questions. These are people I live with and live with me, our emotions are deeply rooted and entwined with each other.