It seems like the healthiest behavior would be to allow yourself to think about the future/past, constrain yourself to be kind to yourself while doing it, and critically, _move on_ and think about something else next.

Where rumination gets dangerous, in my experience, is when it becomes an infinite mental loop.

I don't really get how you move on from something. Is this something you decide? Something that happens? Can you stop thinking about something only by wanting to?

Whenever people talk about moving on, I feel as if they were talking about using their third arm, that I just don't have.

Check out rumination-focused cognitive behavioral therapy, ideally with guidance and support from a therapist.

I used to hear "just let it go" and think I was being asked to do something impossible! Using a third arm is a great way of putting it.

Turns out the self-regulation needed to "move on" is just a developmental skill. Like any skill, it can be practiced and improved over time. Hope you find this encouraging!

Thanks, it helps a lot to know that it's a skill that you can develop!

+1 for what grepLeigh has said. CBT is a huge help.

> Can you stop thinking about something only by wanting to?

Absolutely, yes. If I catch myself in a death spiral of thoughts, I can literally tell myself "no, that's enough, I'm done with this" and do something else instead. It takes introspection, acceptance, understanding, compassion (for yourself and the subjects of your thoughts), therapy, and practice. Meditation can also help.

There's no single piece of advice I can give because it was a lengthy and painful process, but maybe it's enough to say that yes, it's possible to learn, because it's something I had to learn and I managed to figure it out.

Knowing that someone else managed to learn it and can now just stop spirals of thoughts is a big help, thanks for sharing that

Noticing it is the first step. Believing you can change it is the second.

It sounds so cheesy to say, but I really wish they would teach mindfulness in schools. It's such an important life skill, and it's one I had to realize on my own was important.

Conceptually, I agree with you. I've put a lot of effort over the years into being able to control and stop rumination, which has been a huge boon. However, nothing I've tried has changed this fundamental inability to imagine any future that isn't more of the same that I've already experienced (as in painful and disappointing). I think without making enough positive experiences to convince my brain to change how it processes/interprets events, that's something that can't change.

The question then becomes, how do I make positive experiences? If I make what I think is a positive experience, I end up worrying about parts of it and wondering about its negative aspects. That's also something I have to work on and change. It's a cycle, it's slow and iterative, and I feel like I'm making progress, however little, but I am how I am right now, and I'm okay with that.

I relate.

A good project is your best friend

Call it "escapism", except without the feeling of worthlessness that comes with drowning yourself in fiction.

"Und" made it sound even more ominous und more uncertain.

Hah, didn't realize I'd snuck that in there.