I don't think anyone would say that in Spain, as long as they are not having a stroke.

Very strong stroke.

Hah. My Spanish is riddled with errors, I admit, even though I lived in Spanish speaking countries for about 5 years. Coger is a word I just completely avoid at all costs. Terminar also. I learn mostly by public embarrassment, and patient explanation, so please tell me why it wouldn't be proper to say "pick up your football" that way?

You are right about the "coger" (to pick up / to fuck) part. But fútbol is just the sport. You'd talk about "coger la pelota / balón".

I'd assume is the same in Argentina, but I do not know that for certain.

In Argentina “terminar” is OK but “acabar” (almost same meaning) is the dangerous one.

We don’t call the ball itself fútbol in Argentina, only the game. The ball is la pelota.