Disclaimer: different things work for different people, no harm in trying out all the things to see what works with you.

I was pretty skeptical of therapies for the longest while but this past year finally wrung up enough effort to go hunting for a trauma-specialist (PTSD and CPTSD flavors) therapist. There's tonnes out there (psychologytoday has a good list if you're in the US where you can search by specialty + location). Remote friendly, etc.

Personally found exceptional results with IFS (Integrated Family Systems) which was recommended by a trauma therapist. Had quite a few skeletons in the closet about a childhood full of medical fuckery and it feels like it's a healed scar now, mentally, versus an open wound with a band aid slapped over it.

I wish you the best in wherever your journey takes you.

This is crazy-subjective, but my personal experience/philosophy is that mental health is the degree to which we make decisions in our own best interest, incorporating our values, without harming others. So altruism would firmly count towards that if we believe in it.

The scarce commodity, maybe the only one more scarce than time, is the short-term-finite capacity to do difficult things. Discipline/willpower/etc. is (unlike time) renewable, but grow a new forest renewable, not write on the other side of the paper renewable.

Big picture it’s time that has to be budgeted. But in the small: improving our lives, being better custodians of our resources, relationships, and reputation, is hard work. You have to find the high leverage stuff.

As an example, I’m just way more effective if I keep my place tip-top. If I let it get to be a mess, it’s friction on getting out of bed. So I try to tidy up and wash dishes even after a long workday. But if I work too long, not happening. I have to actively budget it.

That’s just an anecdote/example, but we all have the stuff we know we ought to be doing and aren’t: bin-packing the highest leverage stuff before saying “fuck it I’m ordering a pizza and a six pack” is the unglamorous work of striving for a better life.

I recommend starting with reading The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk. It gives a good "state of the field" with regards to therapy. See if any of the forms of therapy described there resonates with you

It may take a few therapists before you come across someone you feel you can build a good relationship with. You also need to fully commit to the therapy - a therapist can only take you so far, otherwise.

Personally, I did not find CBT all that helpful for dealing with known traumas. I did find Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy resonated with me, which I discovered through that book.

It's a stellar book. One of the most astute things I've read.

I also agree with you on finding the right therapist, and also on taking the work seriously. It's like a running coach or a personal trainer: they can point you in the right direction, but they can't work out for you.

And for youniverse, one way I've found it useful to look at therapy and meditation as self-instrumentation. As you've already started to do, you need to pay attention to correlations and unexpected reactions. At first you will notice these things with a fair bit of delay and thought. But with time, you can gradually become aware of the reaction in the moment. Once you've gotten there, you can begin the debugging work. Often that's just giving yourself a different experience in the moment. E.g., you'll feel the anxiety spike, recognize it as trauma-related, and then take a few deep breaths and consciously relax. In the same way your body learned when it wasn't safe, it will gradually re-learn when it is safe.

For me it's also been helpful to build a pretty chill life for myself so that anxiety stands out against the baseline. For me that means things like living in a quiet place, going to bed early enough that I don't need an alarm clock, and strictly limiting intense media and video games. When I was your age my life was pretty intense and anxiety-making not because I had to, but because that was familiar to me. If I was a bit frantic all the time, it was much easier to ignore trauma reactions! [taps temple in I'm-so-smart gesture]

It is incredibly detailed (>1000 pages) and goes through exhaustive list of treatments for PTSD and complex traumas.

Neurofeedback works great for physical traumas. I found some really good content for IFS[1]. It is probably something that would be good for all parents so they are careful not to pass traumas to their children. [1] http://sfhelp.org/

Therapy with a strong CBT and mindfulness bent can help. Meditation - I suggest using Gil Fronsdal’s daily meditations starting with his intro to meditation -particularly vipassana, which combines effectively with CBT. Exercise - a daily exercise regime that elevates the heart rate materially. Eating a lot more veggies and probiotics. Spend time with friends and laughing. For me these form a foundation of resiliency. The answer for me for coping with my traumas, which have been substantial, is incrementally increasing my resiliency to the point that I’m more resilient than the traumas damage. Once I’m beyond that threshold the traumas have no hold on me. I don’t think there’s a magic pill though that makes you “unlive” them and they’re always with you in some way. But an awful lot of resiliency is biochemical and can be “hacked” by doing the things you know you should be doing and we’ve known work for thousands of years.

I wouldn’t self medicate with psychoactive substances. I’ve tried that and it just led to worse traumas after a period of being distracted from my problems by the chemicals. This is what led me to realize resiliency is the difference between living well with trauma and living in trauma.

CBT, meditation and "fostering resiliency" are poor for healing from childhood trauma, please don't follow this advice.

Instead:

* Internal Family Systems

* Books: Body Keeps the Score, CPTSD: From surviving to thriving, Whole Again.

* Get validation of the abuse/neglect you suffered.

* EMDR

* Yoga with a focus on emotions stored in your body

* Emotional mindfulness, emotional vocabulary (alexythimia).

* With the previous one, paying attention to your needs.

* Boundaries

* Changing self-talk

* Foster the opposite of resiliency. Traumatized people have had to be strong and resilient their whole lives. What they need is softness, to be heard, to be seen and feel understood. To be vulnerable, to rest.

* (...)

In my life what you suggested below generally led to profound depression.

Being resilient isn’t white knuckling through things. It’s building a threshold of mood and perspective that allows the trauma to be examined without creating a feedback cycle. Meditation and CBT allowed me to create an internal reference system that wasn’t wrapped up in the emotion of trauma and allowed me to modify my perception of the trauma. Doing so allowed me to see pathologies in my various feedback cycles and work on breaking them at the weakest part.

I would ask that you give your own advice without invalidating the experiences of others. Humans are complex and there is no magic incantation you’ll provide. I’m glad these worked for you.

Internal reference system that wasn't wrapped up in the emotion of trauma? When I read that, it sounds like someone who became further desensitized to what happened.

I'm sure you're more functional now, but know that being more functional doesn't equate to actually having healed anything. It can just mean the person learned to cope better.

In fact, the initial stages of healing from childhood trauma are expected to be less functional, less productive, and yes, more depressive, because for the first time in the person's life, they're feeling, in a compassionate way, what they've been pushing down all their lives, because they had no one safe to go to, and often there's a lot to unpack. It definitely is tiring and often just exhausting. But it's the only way. Because without feeling you can't heal.

Also, childhood trauma doesn't create "pathologies" it creates coping mechanisms which any healthy person would develop in the same circumstances, which need to be understood, and which will subside on their own without the need for behavioral approaches (aka symptom fixing) like CBT.

We are all humans, so we can't keep saying "what works for me may not work for others", at the core we do have many things in common, we all have feelings, we all have similar needs. And we all get traumatized in similar ways. So while there might be some differences, at the end of the day, some things will work for everyone, and those things are the ones that relate to the things we ALL have in common.

The reason it became so ingrained in psychology the mentality of "what works for you may not work for others" is because we've been in the equivalent of the middle ages of psychology for trauma treatment.

This is incredibly condescending. It’s the equivalent of telling a friend: “no, your arm is still broken” when they get their cast off.

I’m genuinely wondering how you can be so confident. You’re telling someone to follow your universal prescription, and insulting their suggestion taken from person experience.

Let alone the fact that you’re arguing against “resiliency” being a positive trait to foster in any human being, regardless of past traumas.

Do you at least acknowledge your confidence? You’re telling somebody off for sharing a reasonable mental health approach.

And what if I said I completely agreed with GP, on account of my person experience and reconciliation? Not everybody breaks in the same way; why do you then think that putting a person back together must follow your prescription?

I could not disagree more that there’s singular universally effective psychological or psychiatric treatments. It’s overly reductionist and ignores some basic facts such as two people experiencing the same trauma can be impacted by it in wildly different ways. Some people are for all intents and purposes unaffected in the long term and some are profoundly disabled. If we don’t respond the same to the cause, why do you assume we all respond the same to a treatment? I’d also say that trauma manifests in many different psychological pathologies that aren’t universally experienced, that’s why classifications in psychology have inventories and criteria that aren’t measurable objectively but are assessed. I’m sure you’re a great programmer though.

You are making an assumption that all of our brains work the same way. From my own (neurodivergent) experience, IFT doesn't always work the way it's "supposed to."

I have a special interest in emotional vocabulary & alexythimia ; do you have more resources on that part specifically ?

Re: boundaries, I found this book quite interesting https://www.amazon.com/Set-Boundaries-Find-Peace-Reclaiming/...

I’m busy doing EMDR therapy. Can’t recommend it enough.

As someone with a lot of experience with this, the only real answer is therapy. Don’t try to shortcut it with “pop” remedies, see a therapist that unpublished connect with. While there’s a lot of commonalities, everyone’s traumas are different and need a custom tailored approach. A good therapist will do that for you.

Therapy may be an answer for some people, in certain occasions. I did years of therapy with five different therpist: single, group, meditating, CBT and so on and on...

To me it was extremely easy to see what the therapist wanted me to say and say it.

Sometimes I had the impression that I had to protect the therapist from the reality that some people have really, really, really shitty lives behind thei control and their thinking is not a cognitive distortion: it's the rational response to a disastrous situation.

Well said. This is a very difficult point to make in the current zeitgeist, but I hope to see it return to a reasonable perspective that most people can understand.

> To me it was extremely easy to see what the therapist wanted me to say and say it.

This is easy with everyone, but seeing as you're the one paying for them to listen it seems a little weird to meta therapy like this. If you feel that need, just don't go.

> Sometimes I had the impression that I had to protect the therapist from the reality that some people have really, really, really shitty lives behind thei control and their thinking is not a cognitive distortion: it's the rational response to a disastrous situation.

Any therapist will explain to you that your environment and your behaviour (if they are as connected as you say) have to change together: The former because it is almost impossible to change yourself in an identical context, the latter because otherwise you will create the same environment in a new place.

From what you said, you had both bad therapists and did not want to participate in therapy. It's no wonder it doesn't work in that case, every good therapist will tell you this.

I strongly agree with this comment. Based on 20 years of searching and self help patches. If I knew and had the cash I’d have gone for EMDR therapy at the first viable moment after childhood.

(Disclaimer- worked at an ayahuasca retreat and have drank 150+ times)

Ayahuasca with proper support is very beneficial for a lot of people. Some other therapies (someone mentioned EMDR which is excellent, also somatic experiencing) are incredibly synergetic with it. They are very good at showing you the root of the issue, but they are absolutely not magic. It takes quite a bit of courage to go in and face yourself and to do the necessary work. Often the work doesn't start until after the ceremony finishes and you're back in "real life".

I've seen a lot of positive change from plant medicine. I've also seen a lot of people rebound back in to darkness after failing to do something with the message they got (after an initially positive experience)

Is it really a good setting to be surrounded by people we don't know who're all looking for a solution to their (often stubborn) problems and collectively embark on such an experience?

I've done psychedelics plenty of times over 25+ years and can see the potential they have but I'd never in my life do so in one of these retreats.

I think the group setting is really helpful. Being surrounded by a bunch of people who are also doing deep work on themselves can be really supportive. The place I worked did minimum 10-day stays (6 ceremonies), but usually longer (1 month or more). You get to know your group and the staff very well and find yourself being very open and vulnerable. The day-after-ceremony meetings are full of common experiences and people will often get inspiration from each other's stories. Working at the center was incredible, the people are one of the best parts. I made more friends in that short period than any other in my life.

There's a chance you have found the miracle drug, but everything I know and have read about seems to suggest that anything which impairs your judgment is not the solution.

Drugs aren't, alcohol isn't, etc.

What seems to work is... work. Working on yourself, trying to confront past traumas, talking to others about it, opening up. You know, the sucky parts that everyone hates to do.

Such a simplistic view of it. Psychedelics, when used properly, have a way of making your judgment very unimpaired. They can help one do everything you listed in your closing paragraph.

i tried shrooms and then 6 months later had deep insight

i’ve been dealing with low grade trauma for a long time so kept doing the work

i will never know if i finally put enough work or if going crazy on moderate shroom trip rewired the brain just enough to see

this stuff is so hard since personal experiences are hard? unwise to generalize.

yet, feeling better about existing is nice.

also recovery is always tenuous since life can deal you a hand that can break you and maybe your new healthy mindset can’t handle it.

yet, the old broken mindset would have at least kept you alive.

too young to comment on which it will be for me

The real work is facing your own fears. How? A lot of work. Meditation can help but you need a good teacher. Find people who are obsessed with and in the pursuit of “obtaining” enlightenment and I found people who know their inner thoughts and feelings at a deep and intimate level. I found people who want to be happy but ultimately need to find what is “getting in the way” of enlightenment. The irony though is that there is nothing in the way of enlightenment and “it” is already there but that’s a separate topic.

People do and can get to the bottom of what is ultimately is driving them in their own humanity.

You can go in circles trying different spiritual practices. You can have earth shattering changes with plant medicine too. You can do dream work with dream yoga too (google Andrew holecek). The rabbit hole is long and wide. I would not swear by ayahuascha. All of life is ceremony. It might help in the short term but what you are seeking is an active thing and high effort thing until it becomes effortless. To be curious about your pain, fear and anxiety. Even to see the beauty in them. To have humility. To listen. To surrender it all.

There is no magic pill though. I’ve tried many things. I’m not the same person. You can change. There is a way out but the way out is not what you might think it is. The way out is the way through.

Diet plays a large role

For Methylation, B viatmins, Zinc, Folate, can all change DNA methylation https://www.mdpi.com/2072-6643/13/11/3979

Histone modification seems to be controlled by fatty acids https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8273343/

I think some past traumas cause irreversible damage, to the brain and behavior. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/ They also impact emotional stability, some suck as mangers because they crack under high stress on tense conflicts due to early traums, some companies try to weed them out before they reaching top positions.

I can recommend the books "No more Mr. Nice Guy" and "When I say no I feel guilty", they helped me a lot.

There's a constellation of techniques involving "Timeline" therapy, typically combined with hypnosis. You can go back in time and change your personal history, give your younger self more psychological resources from the POV of your grownup self.

There is a technique called "Parental Timeline Reimprinting" where you go back in time to before you were born (or before your parents were born) and give your parents (or grandparents) more resources to be able to change their behaviour and so raise you differently in a kind of imaginary parallel universe. Despite being imaginary this alternate universe "you" can "merge" with the "real" you and typically deep and pervasive healing often occurs.

As others have said, various therapies. You can also get a similar result with self-exploration, in my experience. Something like what's described here: https://kajsotala.fi/2017/07/how-i-found-fixed-the-root-prob...

Nobody mentioned Schema Therapy, so I will. Schema Therapy is such a beautiful thing and Jeffrey Young seems such a great human being and therapist (unlike the narcissistic freudian type of self important psychotherapist).

I only did a short period of Schema Therapy, but the cognitive part of it was the most helpful thing in my overcoming of my BPD, I can only imagine how great the non-cognitive parts must be.

What Valakas said. Also learn about the autonomous nervous system, fight, flight, freeze, befriend. The amygdala has role in decision making. Learn about slow and fast thinking.

The best advice is therapy. Internal family systems is said to be by far the most effective and there are others similar.

Lots of self introspection. therapy can be helpful. A good therapist will teach you how to observe yourself and tackle those issues.

Check out EMDR.