I don't have fun with my kids. I have no more friend in real life (even before the pandemic). I can't even play computer games when I want to because my kids take too darn long to finish their homework and we live in a small home in Hong Kong. Even weekends are basically more studying and extra-curricular classes for my kids (ballet, phonics, mental math, painting). I've lost motivation to do much else. Nowadays I just burrow myself in reading fantasy novels when I have any time for myself, not even because I really enjoy them, but because I lack creativity and motivation to do much else.
> I don't have fun with my kids.
I think that’s a serious problem. Personally, I would prioritize that over all the studying and activities. They are kids. Fun is their job.
> I can't even play computer games when I want to because my kids take too darn long to finish their homework
Let them do their homework on their own, and you can play some games. It’s not your homework, let them do it.
Or just play games instead of the reading you don’t enjoy.
People, they’ll be fine without all the activities. Go out and have some fun together.
I suppose I should add a disclaimer, in case this wasn’t already implied: you don’t have to take any advice from other people.
Why do you feel the need to do so many extra-curricular activities related to child education? Can't you take your kids to the park, show them stuff and talk to them about it? One of the cool things that most adults forget about childhood is that everything is new for kids. Even stuff that kids are used to; they have really only scratched the surface of- they haven't had the time or the life experience to deeply understand things, but they also haven't had the life experience to become jaded or cynical. Spending some time around them doing stuff that is not homework, can be fun, or at least interesting.
Do you want to be unfulfilled?
If you truly cannot find joy in anything, then you are likely suffering from depression, and you should go see a doctor. It won't get better by itself.
Because this is Hong Kong, and if you want to get into a good high school, and then a good university later in life, this is what you do here, unless either A) your kid has really high IQ and would skip years or B) you are rich and don't mind just paying your way through international schools.
My kids are not case A), and I'm not rich enough for B).
Schools here ask you "what credentials do you have (other then regular education)?", "have you won any competition?", etc. I'm not even doing that much, compared to other really competitive families.
From the Wikipedia page for the examination required to get into Universities in HK, the number of test takers in 2020 is:
52,687 [0].
This doesn’t include students using international exams to get in, but that seems to be a fraction of this number.
Still very challenging but not 1 billion challenging.
[0]: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hong_Kong_Diploma_of_Seconda...
There are 14 universities in Hong Kong of which 4 are well ranked. I would say the chances of getting into a decent university for HKers is actually much easier than for Mainland Chinese students.
There are some traditional families who feel the need to do a lot of extra curricular activities and tuition just so that there kid can go into the three prestigious subjects of law, medicine and finance but that's not all families.
>> Because this is Hong Kong, and if you want to get into a good high school, and then a good university later in life, this is what you do here, unless either A) your kid has really high IQ and would skip years or B) you are rich and don't mind just paying your way through international schools.
Sounds like the plot of GATTACA. Maybe people who don't live there should not hand out advice too easily?
Do they enjoy doing all these things? Thinking back to when I was a kid, I would rather have spent the time with friends, doing unplanned nothing special things.
I wonder if they don't actually have a weekend, instead, they have "work-end"?
What if both you and they would be happier, if you cancelled some of the extracurricular things.
Maybe they find things themselves to do -- for example, as a kid I bought books about software, and taught myself. But if you've decided that they are to learn painting etc (which is fun too I think :-)) then, maybe there's not much time left for them to decide?
Just some thoughts, what do I know. And I've made some guesses / assumptions about your situation, maybe they're incorrect
Edit: now i see you've in a way partly replied here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30933886
Sorry to hear about your struggles. I do fully agree that having kids won’t alleviate things like major depression and hope I didn’t give that impression.
>>My older child is a pre-teen constantly screaming and raging about the tiniest things. It’s a tremendous energy drain. But the children are certainly not the reason for my lurking depression: it was there before I had kids, and being a parent hasn’t magically transformed my life with meaning. These things are roughly orthogonal in my anecdotal experience.
I think this anecdote needs to become more mainstream form of advice, people are so quick to suggest having kids as a cure-all for people's depression or other mental health issues like it's just going to make everything else disappear.
Personally speaking I'm sorry to hear this, but this is also why I have put-off having kids--although its mainly for environmental issues, I can't see how people can in good-faith bring children into a World in which they will inherit such catastrophic climate change and a World where it's still possible that aging kleptocrats can shell and occupy a nuclear power plant, one of which was the location of the most dangerous environmental disasters of the 20th century and most people shrug it off and care more about Will Smith slapping Chris Rock!
Still, I don't know what the source of your depression is, and this is kind of harsh, but you are a cautionary tale for people like me: I have bouts of crippling weltschmertz after a life of being an environmentalist activist with a background in tech as a founder that merged the two together. As you can imagine it's certainly not as lucrative as destroying the World, and that is the saddest thing.
After 20 years at least I can go down knowing that while most of my existence have been a mix between Pyrrhic victories and burnout that I did more than I ever thought I would given the World I was forced to inherit.
My angst, rage and anger was channeled into something positive, and it helps but it's a corrosive and toxic form of fuel that corrodes you from within; hopefully you will in time be able to use the same energy draining you to do something that helps alleviate your situation.
The only time I don't feel the Weltschertz is when I'm building, the problem is that I can't anymore after destroying my body after 20 years of living this way and I'm having to heal all of these injuries: physical as well as mental.
It can be eye opening if the behavior has a neurological component, and it's always better to intervene early in these cases
My older child is a pre-teen constantly screaming and raging about the tiniest things. It’s a tremendous energy drain. But the children are certainly not the reason for my lurking depression: it was there before I had kids, and being a parent hasn’t magically transformed my life with meaning. These things are roughly orthogonal in my anecdotal experience.