It's one thing to be upfront. "I love someone new, let's divorce / some other arrangement." There will be hurt feelings but that's life. The honesty will help everyone in the long run.

It's entirely another thing to sneak around - to do something you promised not to do, but in secret, so you don't get caught.

It is my observation and experience that the kind of person who breaks trust in secret is not someone I want to rely on in other parts of life.

If you admit to loving someone new you've very likely already cheated at the emotional level if not the physical.

Where do you draw the line?

Unlike the other replies, I believe that people actually can control their emotions -- especially if they are expert meditators.

That said, I usually don't date expert meditators, so wouldn't expect my partner to have a perfect control over their emotions. But I would expect them to have sufficient control over their actions. So that is where I draw the line.

Because you can't choose to feel or not to feel something. Emotions just happen. You do choose what you do with that emotion.

I feel is totally ok to judge someone for their actions, not so much for things they have no control over.

Most people don't fall in love with people that they have set normal friendship boundaries with. Intimacy isn't just a physical thing. You do, in fact, have some degree of control over your emotions.

I've never heard of "cheated at the emotional level". I don't understand how this could be a thing, you don't control your emotions. You are however somewhat free to act on them or not.

It as a "thing" for those that have an unhealthy attachment style. Those in such situations will tend to be controlling and suspicious of every minor thing in order to fend of the possibility someone else "infiltrating" the relationship. Is is the typical scenario where one partner tries to isolate the other from their social circles.

Depending on the culture, the fear is that such "emotional cheating" will either eventually lead to "physical cheating" or even worse (probably feared more by men), lead to a dissolution of the relationship (without necessarily involving cheating) (probably feared more by women).

Any kind of interaction of one partner with an outside party can become suspect of containing emotional content, which the other partner believes they are entitled to. In graver cases it may even imply a diversion of resources (time, mind space, wealth, etc.) towards the third party that the partner believes is entitled to.

If homosexuality and bisexuality wasn't an even bigger taboo, all relationships and interactions would have the potential for "cheating emotionally".

That is a complete red-pillesque reductive explanation that I'd expect to hear out of a MGTOW style community.

Intimacy happens at more than just the physical level, and most people reserve some types of intimacy (physical or emotional) for their significant other. When you cross the boundary of intimacy you normally set for people other than your significant other with someone else, that can easily be interpreted as disingenuous or betraying to your SO.

> That is a complete red-pillesque reductive explanation that I'd expect to hear out of a MGTOW style community

Precisely, I didn't mean for that comment to sound like an endorsement. Maybe I should have used a "/s" but it's not actually sarcasm, it was just meant to illustrate what some people believe. My bad. From the little I have seen, MGTOW fall into the trap of believing possessiveness is only applicable to women, along with other stereotyping misogynistic beliefs.

In case I actually gendered the explanation, I did not mean to. Either partner can be possessive. I do not know whether there are studies on which direction it happens more often.

> Intimacy happens at more than just physical the physical, and most people reserve some types of intimacy (physical or emotional) for their significant other. When you cross the boundary of intimacy you normally set for people other than your significant other with someone else, that can easily be interpreted as disingenuous or betraying to your SO.

The point is that each partners boundary is a personal thing, it may be agreed upon in a couple if it was discussed in advance and it can be shifted afterwards. And if it is discussed, it may be set in the same place for both partners or not. But by default, if it is not discussed, it is likely to be different. And people are likely to judge others assuming that everyone's boundary is in the same place.

The boundary can be set anywhere but it is important for each partner to know the other partners boundary and decide whether it is something they can live with or not, in which case it is better to find someone who is a better fit, otherwise the result will be resentment, betrayal and conflict.

Ah, sorry, I must have woken up and read that upside down.

> When you cross the boundary of intimacy you normally set for people other than your significant other with someone else, that can easily be interpreted as disingenuous or betraying to your SO.

So for example, going on dates with someone else than your SO? I can see how that would be betraying/cheating in a way, though I'm not sure if "emotional cheating" is a good way to express it.

Yes, that's a great example. I'm not sure if the term emotional cheating is the correct one but that's how I've heard examples like that one described before.

> that the kind of person who breaks trust in secret

Who has never lied or "broken trust in secret" in their lives? You'd hold someone forever accountable for making a horrible mistake that had nothing to do with you?

"horrible mistake"? This isn't an "oops I forgot to pick up milk on the way home from work" or "oops I got in a bar fight and had to spend the night in jail"

People who cheat do it consciously.

Wait, you'd be more comfortable working with someone who got arrested for publicly fighting?

please don't put words in my mouth. I said no such thing.