In that model, the advice I'm giving is directed to people in the outermost ring and maybe also the next-outermost. I'd expect anyone closer to the bereaved to have a more concrete sense of how they actually can help, and to be already doing that or at least trying to figure out how to.
That advice is also directed to people who basically don't have any idea what the hell to do, and feel some internal pressure to do something anyway. I'd assume that someone with a materially similar experience of grief, who has reflected enough on that to have some understanding, wouldn't need telling by me or anyone.
if you don't know how to help, just say "i'm sorry" and offer a reassuring hug. touch is powerful, especially around strong emotions. if you feel the need to speak further, give them fond memories of their loved one, like "i remember when your mom taught us how to make lamb vindaloo. it was amazing. she was so determined and funny..." try to forget yourself and your own concerns completely for that moment.
Sorry, where exactly did you do that direction? I have read it a couple times and can't find it.
> Whether you have experience of grief has no bearing at all on whether you can understand someone else's immediate experience of it.
That is absolutely untrue. There's a line in a Buddhist text that captures the experience well for me: "When two thieves meet they need no introduction: They recognize each other without question." People who had known loss, especially that of a parent, were often a balm to my soul because they could be present in the experience of loss with me.
Which I'm sure sounds vague to many HN readers, so imagine that you and a friend go to visit an art museum. You spend a couple of minutes contemplating the same painting, which you both find moving. As you turn to walk away, you exchange a look and know you don't need to say anything, because you both recognize you had the same experience.
> You aren't the main character in this movie. You're not even an extra. There is no movie and, in this circumstance, you do not matter.
You have something there, but you take it too far. Consider the Ring Theory of Grief: https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-...
As the article explains, people definitely cause problems by making the moment about them, so you're right about that. But where you're wrong is that the only alternative is to vanish. Often, that is also somebody making it about themself but in a quieter way. Their anxiety and failure to process death leads them to hide away. I took people behaving the way you describe as ones I couldn't trust to be present with me. The correct choice is to be sensitive to circumstances and the inner-ring person's needs and act accordingly. Which does not have a simple heuristic, but sometimes that's the best you can do.
> If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know.
Having heard that a fair bit, I mostly took it as a sign of people either not sincerely offering or not really thinking about the situation. Which was fine; not everybody understands grief yet. The best replies to this for me were people who also made specific offers based on what they thought I needed and what they were able to give.