offering vague help doesn't help at all, as others have noted. offering specific help, like "let me take that work project off your hands for the next couple weeks" or even something small like "i can drive your cousin home for you", can alleviate the helpfulness anxiety and provide real help.

if you don't know how to help, just say "i'm sorry" and offer a reassuring hug. touch is powerful, especially around strong emotions. if you feel the need to speak further, give them fond memories of their loved one, like "i remember when your mom taught us how to make lamb vindaloo. it was amazing. she was so determined and funny..." try to forget yourself and your own concerns completely for that moment.