I’ve been divorced so long I don’t really even consider myself divorced. I realized my part in the dissolution of my marriage was basically never saying no. Something in that realization clued me in to all kinds of social concepts and consequences I’d been basically unaware of my entire life. The closest thing I can compare it to is the growing awareness of your expanding consciousness you experience as a teen. I was the same person but a new window on the world opened up and I’ve never had a problem saying no since.

Out of curiosity, do you feel like it was the never saying no that was the biggest problem, or was it the things that stemmed from never saying no?

For me, there were a whole host of things that came with being uncomfortable saying no, such as: building resentment resulting from doing something I didn’t really want to, passive aggressiveness, avoidance of conflict, disappointment when people still weren’t pleased after doing what they asked/shifting goalposts, feelings of being and/or actually being taken advantage of, etc.

Pretty much all of the related issues above caused issues in relationships and anxiety, among other health issues.

Not parent poster, but in my apparently-similar experience, it’s just that not saying no will inevitably result in halfhearted effort down the line, which means the results will underwhelm and hence generate more issues.

Hah, I think I may be the exact opposite. It triggers anxiety within me, which then triggers perfectionism, which then triggers all kinds of unhealthy other compulsions. I really do try to tackle everything, and exceed expectations, at a personal cost (e.g., burnout). One time I lost 25 pounds due to stress, which ended up being a positive as I have kept it off, but was miserable at the time.

I definitely leaned on the perfectionist side. Some of this is messy and difficult to pull apart because although I brought this problem into the marriage my ex is not blameless either. One thing I know is a direct consequence of never saying no is a lack of respect and a lack of attraction. Regardless of why a person never says no they are seen as a doormat, which is unattractive in both men and women.

On the messier side, a few years after our divorce she ended up suing me to adjust our divorce settlement and as part of that process gave a deposition in which she gave no legally relevant details but instead offered a diatribe on what she considered my failures in our marriage. (This did not impress the judge.) It was surprising to me for a few reasons. First, our divorce had been amicable. Second, she had raised none of these issues while we were married so we could have talked about it and/or fixed the issues. Third, it showed that she not only didn’t appreciate the tremendous effort I put into the marriage and her and our family, she wasn’t even aware of it.

Some portion of that is on her, but by never saying no I definitely helped to normalize a very high expectation as “bare minimum” or “no big deal”. I definitely felt unappreciated during the marriage but I just kept trying to do more. And if I don’t appreciate the work I do... why would anyone else?

I strongly suggest reading about "Love Languages".

Simplistic summary: Just because you are "throwing" love doesn't mean someone is "catching" the love that you are throwing.

It explains a lot where someone may wash their partners car (Act of Service) but the partner complains about never receiving flowers (Gift Giving).

This concept was incredibly foreign to me until it was named, and then it became incredibly obvious, and not limited to relationships.

Thank you for sharing! Your experience definitely resonates with me and I am similarly divorced. I especially relate to your comment about setting the bar high and it becoming expected instead of being appreciated that you’re going above and beyond. I have struggled with that at interpersonal and work relationships especially. Thanks again!

Same here. While it’s tempting to chalk this up under “ball and chain”, I think it’s more a matter of realizing how precious little time you have and raising your bar of acceptance accordingly.

I basically have two answers to requests - it’s either “sorry, gonna pass” or “HELL YES”.

Edit: A trick I learned from Non-violent Communication is to reframe requests internally from “I have to do x” and “I should do x” as “I want to do x”. It much easier to make a decision when you hear the latter out loud.

I understood CreepGin's comment to be about saying "no" to the wife and kids (and your comment to be about saying "no" to others). Maybe there was some intentional ambiguity or maybe I'm too cynic.

Reminds me of this concept: https://sive.rs/hellyeah

I have found marriage & kids to be a good litmus test for character quality. If you say 'no' to a request and they blame the 'ball and chain', red flag.