I knew that wasn't ok at all so I ended up going back on my old SSRIs which, unsurprisingly, massively turned down the intensity knob on everything and brought me back to reality.
I think I struggled with the aftermath for about 6 months. At first I thought my anxiety was cured by the trip, but about 2 or 3 months after I started losing touch with reality. I am better now (due entirely to SSRIs) but still struggling with the generalized anxiety disorder I have grappled with for my life so far
[1]: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18693771-the-body-keeps-...
I politely ask you to do two things, if you haven't already.
First is to have someone, something in your life that keeps you accountable. Self-reporting is unreliable. My most recent example: I was on bupropion last year. I literally felt no different with or without. But it was harming me. My only clue was my activity monitor. (Apple Watch FTW.)
Second, never accept "No" or "idk", tenaciously seek the answers you need. Someone, somewhere has some of the missing puzzle pieces you need. Doctors (et al) are not omniscient and if they've not seen cases like you before, they couldn't possibly have those answers.
Be well. I hope things get easier for you.
I am sure I have overstated the risk, or maybe that is just my anxiety talking. I never had any actual plans to hurt myself, just overwhelming fear and dread to the point I wished it would end by any means.
Thankfully I have my wife to keep me accountable
If you're willing to share, I would love to hear more. How did you get so deeply into meditation? What was your practice like? What were you doing that got you to such a "bad trip"
I was just reading books and pondering. Sci fi, Sagan, Fritjof Capra, Taoism, Zen, some Buddhism. I didn't know any one who knew anything about this stuff.
I started meditating because I was struggling, had a lot time, nothing to do, and was trying to psyche myself up to start working again. I hadn't been diagnosed yet, so didn't know my failings were health related. I thought I just had a bad attitude, was being lazy.
I got pretty good at reaching a trance state. I was stuck on the notion of "no thought". Best I could do was let thoughts float away. So I started my notions of mental exercises. Visualize a sphere. Think of a color and try to see it with my mindseye. Imagine the center of my ego was my sternum and not my head, imagine the world from that perspective. Float above my own body.
So I was just doing my thing, pretending to have an out of body experience, and I slipped into a different state. The idea was really simple. It was like being able to actually internalize a trillion. Or like Fritjof's epiphany of seeing all the grains of sand on the beach.
I had the full impact of how big the universe is and how small I am, the briefness of my lifespan.
It terrified me. I reflexively pulled back, popped out of trance. And then I laid on the bed for a long while, trying to figure if I was back in my room, if I was dreaming, what's real or not.
I came out of it very different worldview. That whole ecological, holistic awareness, everything is connected, and other woo-woo descriptions. Popping that ego-centric bubble for just a moment.
Again, I'm just using other people's words for what best matches my experience. "If you meet Buddha on the road, kill him." and all that.
Not sure if that's the same thing as ego death but it was terrifying.
I tried to resume shortly thereafter. FHCRC (always doing experiments) had a doctor working on pain and toxicity. Her angle was mindfulness, mediation, hypnosis. Didn't work on me.
Though I do yoga style relaxation, manage my pains, I've not been able to attain trance state again, much less the next stage.
I think it's because I can't concentrate, focus that way any more. Cuz chemo brain.
The only success I've had is with http://thewayofseeing.com. Focus is like a muscle. I've gotten a bit better. But my best effort is mindfulness.
re coping:
One day at time. Happy to be here. :)
Wish you well and I hope you have a fruitful journey :)
If any of what I share here is helpful for someone, it will be well worth drifting significantly off topic and perhaps over-sharing my personal experience.
That said, my experience is my own - other people's mileage may vary depending on their background and personal makeup. Trust your intuition (and your doctor / therapist if you have one)!
From your comments below (about being able to notice yourself out of existence), it sounds to me like you experienced both udayabbaya-nana (knowledge of arising and passing away) and bhanga-nana (knowledge of dissolution), as well as the other dukkha-nanas (knowledges of suffering) that follow [1].
It also sounds like you are familiar with the Zen analogs for these Theravada terms - sharing them here mostly for other readers.
These are well-known and understood phenomena, at least in Buddhism. Some modern yogis refer to this territory as the "Dark Night", a term borrowed from St. John of the Cross' work describing the experiences from a mystical Christian perspective[2].
The Atlantic had a good piece on this (touching on some relevant research at Brown) several years back [3].
I went through something similar to what you've described here with meditation, and similar to what many others have described here with psychedelics.
It took years of searching, research and growth for me to process and integrate these experiences and return to both a stable, consistent meditative practice and enjoyable / helpful use of psychedelics, including cannabis (which gave me panic attacks for many, many years).
For anyone who is in similar territory but wishes they could continue exploring: Bhajan / Kirtan [4] (example [5]) and Yoga Asana were both incredibly helpful for me, as was a-melodious chanting of various mantra and stotra.
Coming at the problem as a programmer with some understanding of machine learning - I looked at chanting practices as training data for my own biological neural network. A way to re-wire my relationship with meditation / spiritual practices / ego death.
The transition from my atheistic Buddhist practice to a sort of mystical pluralist practice that integrates many traditions was an interesting one, for sure.
I stopped seeing "god" as an absurd, surely-non-existent (for everyone) personal entity and began recognizing "gods" as undeniably-existing (for me) hybrids of:
* helpful anthropomorphic representations of key truths
* helpful anthropomorphic representations for lawful phenomena
* at the highest level: helpful conceptual placeholders for things that are completely impossible for me to describe
As a former atheist, I slowly became more and more comfortable with this framework. I think this was a combination of having grown up in a religious environment; having mystical experiences, searching for answers and finding documentation (independently arising in many different traditions) that closely mirrored my experiences; and feeling like there was tremendous mind-shaping power in a shared subconscious framework transmitted through trance-inducing chants practiced by millions of people over many centuries.
Like many, I would encounter truths through various mystical experiences and find great relief - only to fall back into unhelpful habitual patterns later. A daily relationship with one's personal Gods (in whatever form they take for you) is a very powerful psychological anchor for remaining tethered to truths discovered through mystical experience.
Lectures by Ram Dass[6], talks by Mooji[7] and dharma talks from many different teachers at Dharma Seed [8] also helped considerably.
I have some conjectures rattling around in my mind about _some_ manifestations of mental illness having _some_ of their roots in the territory of ego death (or close brushes with it). Many of us live in a society where all of our basic needs are met and there is ample time for introspection. Moreover, many of us fill a good deal of our non-introspective free time with music, cinema and television which has been shaped (directly or indirectly) by artists and thinkers under the influence of mind-expanding drugs, leading to further introspection (at least this was the case for me and many of my peers).
That is, I don't think someone necessarily needs to even be a yogi to wander into Dukkha-nana territory. Though, to be sure, the proliferation of superficial "mindfullness" practices will add to the aforementioned dog pile of causes and conditions for initial "spiritual awakenings" (for lack of a better term).
I'd love to share my entire journey and more thoughts on this (including 8 years living and traveling in Asia, trying to find answers). One day!
Lastly: if you find yourself in this territory and things are really bad, there are resources available to you! Check out: https://spiritualcrisisnetwork.uk.
Shenzen Young also has really helpful advice about when it's time to seek help from a medical professional: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ5B70ac_9M
==
[1] - http://www.buddhanet.net/knowledg.htm
[2](pdf) - http://www.carmelitemonks.org/Vocation/DarkNight-StJohnofthe...
[3] - https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/the-dark-...
[4] - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kirtan
[5] - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBso7TPtvJU
[6] - https://beherenownetwork.com/category/ram-dass/
[7] - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/satsang-with-mooji/id1...
My own story may be relevant to you. FWIW:
I was really into zen as a kid. Part of my rebellion against Christianity and leaving my church. Once while meditating, I accidentally had a pretty bad trip. (I can describe the actual trip separately.) I was completely unprepared, didn't even know such a thing was possible.
It's kicked my ass ever since.
From what I read (afterwards), others have called that kind of trip ego death, death-rebirth, religious experience.
In buddhist terms, if that was the 2nd stage, I had ZERO interest in experiencing the 3rd stage, much less the 4th stage (aka "enlightenment").
A few months later, I was diagnosed with an acute life threatening disease. I was hospitalized for months, spent a few years recovering.
So the upside to having the living shit scared out of me while meditating was that actual near death real experiences were emotional cake walks. My care providers were like "Who is this kid?!" My family was less amused by my apparent blasé attitude.
Any way. To wrap this up.
We're all going get "there" one way or another. You're gonna die. It's all pointless. Yadda, yadda.
But you can choose to resume your normal life. You cope. You adapt. Fake it, if you have to, like I did. And eventually the habit of day to day living, striving, struggling, smelling the roses will become your new normal. Most of the time.
Just one caveat. Your pharmacology can absolutely change your brain, personality, outlook. Mental well being isn't just happy self-talk. Mind and body are inseparable. So figure out that other stuff too, if needed.