Hang in there, buddy. Just keep breathing. It will change.
Eventually things did change, and my 30's have been a whirlwind of happiness, sobriety and a GF who loves me unconditionally for me. Like you said, if I knew this is where the black hole I fell into would lead to, I would've pushed harder to get sober, try harder to put myself back together sooner. But I'm here now and am grateful I held out and often think about this wonderful life I almost passed on.
I try and remember every day to savour and make the most of this happiness, and be grateful for it.
Because it won't last. Nothing does.
I spoke to the guy who owns marcusholmes.com when I got my domain (marcusholmes.biz). Nice chap. American, of course.
Maybe we should have a convention or something. Because we're obviously related. Sherlock was our great-great-uncle (at least, that's what I tell people).
If you still have issues with alcohol use I strongly suggest you check out an Alcoholics Anonymous (https://aa.org/) group near you. Give it a chance, it will likely be very helpful.
About depression/emotional pain/suicidal thoughts first of all it would be very good to see a professional (doctor / psychologist) about this, they can help you. You may also talk to a friend if you have someone you feel you can talk to.
Try some daily activities that occupy your mind and/or body for a while: reading, running, walks in the park, workout in the gym, yoga, prayer. Whatever you can do.
You don't have to face everything alone, it's ok to ask for help.
The latter arose from my chronic depression and the lack of ability to create any long-term social relationships which are not based on professional interaction. I have never had friends outside of "workplace buddies" mindset for all my 33 years of life. They were lost instantly when I left the job. I've managed to find a way in remote consulting which lets me pay the bills and have some food (I quitted drugs cold turkey two years ago). But nothing hits you harder than a feeling that it's all over and you are tamed with your loneliness, the only thing that is left is your aging you don't want to face.
I can give no word of advice to you, but I want to say that I feel you. You are strong, don't let 'em get you this easy.
Just logged in to say, there's a lot of us out here in the world. You're not alone. I've lost a cushy job due to it, lost more than one actually. I guess all I'll say is that it's possible to get out of that hellhole, you'll get there one day. And as someone else said, the fact that you talked about all this is a big deal. It means a lot. I'm rooting for you. If you ever want someone to talk to, let me know!
Hanging in there buddy :)
You're young, you made some mistakes, but you learned from them. You are better off than those who still haven't learned. You have plenty of time to build a new, better life for yourself. With a new, younger wife, if that's your thing. Some people will probably take offense at that last part, but I'm not talking Epstein young, I'm just saying his ex was probably 40 something, and his new wife can be a hotter 30 something if that's important to him.
Since you clearly wanted to do something worthwhile with your life, do check www.drawdown.org.
Do write to me if you want to talk ( sriramNRN at gmail ) . I can share a few worthwhile things that I've picked up to do for the rest of my life.
More seriously though, thank you for this comment, it made me smile.
It is quite possible to have familly, care about them and spend time with them and not be either.
Things can always get better.
THIS all the way.
When we are young, we think that we will be remembered by the company that we worked for and the people that we worked with. The sad truth is that in 99.9999% none of those people will remember you the second you walk out the door.
The family you raise will remember and love you though.
I'm in my 40s and got fired a very cushy job like OP has. The reason was cause I wanted to challenge myself and I worked myself into early alcoholism which resulted in my dismissal. My co-workers don't call, the company doesn't call, they don't care. My marriage broken up cause of the job and me wanting to pursue my so called dream. I'm alone and will most likely die alone this year by my own hand since the pain is too much bare sometimes. I miss my wife and my little Pomeranian terribly.
OP... if you want challenge in your life, challenge yourself to being a good partner to someone in a marriage and raise some kids, get a Pomeranian :) Have something in this world that will truly appreciate and remember you when you are gone.
"I never saw a tombstone that read. 'If I had only worked more'"