I am not sure I would blame the parents. As a kid I would say that I was stupid and couldn't do anything even though everyone around me was telling me how smart I was. I watch the same thing occurring in my six year old daughter now, even though I am sure nobody is saying that to her. It was a confidence thing for me. This didn't change until I was in my teens and was clearly better at certain things than others.

For me it was effort required. I was an early reader, and the first few years of elementary were a breeze, but at some point I decided if I had to work at anything, I didn't want to do it.

If I couldn't immediately answer the question, I felt was just stupid and it wasn't worth my time.

This, in spite of a family insisting I was the greatest.

> This, in spite of a family insisting I was the greatest.

Some would argue it's because of your family insisting you were the greatest, in part.

>At some point I decided if I had to work at anything, I didn't want to do it. If I couldn't immediately answer the question, I felt [it] was just stupid and it wasn't worth my time.

Yep, you are a smart, great person. Your family loves you because of all of the smart, great things you do, in part. If something is hard and doesn't come naturally to you? It must be something stupid and not great. So don't worry, you are still smart and great, and people still love you. Don't try anything hard.

I'm obviously being facetious, but according to some experts (though not all, not even most), that emotional dynamic is encouraged by praising kids for their intelligence or abilities, instead of effort. I don't know how much I believe it, but that type of weird insecurity does seem fairly common among intelligent people who were extremely precocious.

If a kid thinks “smart” means that she knows the answers to lots of things then when she runs into things and doesn’t know the answer, she figures everyone is wrong and she is stupid. When a kid thinks that being smart means being able to sit there and figure things out and ask for help when needed, then she knows what to do to live up to the “smart” expectation and can accept the vision of herself as smart when she runs into something she doesn’t already know.

It's infuriating, but it's also an opportunity to do your little push towards a growth mindset: tell them that then they could practice more so they get better at it.

I'm convinced that the more we all tell kids that practice beats talent by a long shot, the happier our next generation will be. Even if only some people around a kid talk like that I'm convinced it can make a difference, get people into this growth mindset when they're big.

(TED talk about the growth mindset, if the term feels like manager bullshit mumbo jumbo to you: https://www.ted.com/talks/carol_dweck_the_power_of_believing...)

Well, as long as your convinced.

Hm, interesting. I assumed most people agreed by now that this growth mindset thing is real but maybe I missed something.

What would you say to a kid who says "I'm stupid, I can't do anything"?

I was that kid, and my parents and entire family were constantly telling me how smart I was. They were never verbally abusive.

Please note that it can also be his friends. Kids can be real assholes towards one another.

There isn't necessarily no question.

I went through a phase in high school where I was convinced I was very stupid. My parents certainly didn't talk to me that way, though.