Tech is hard; startups are harder; legal problems are even harder. But these things change, and the feelings can change too. You can PM me if you want to chat.
At 50 I was screwed out of a company that I spent 10 years building by a greedy partner. He later sued me in federal court for telling other people what he did to me. Even though all the charges were totally made up it cost me 40 thousand to defend my self (money I did not have). I finally managed to get him to drop the suite and pay all my bills by giving him a patent he wanted. And this was all before a judge ever even looked at the case.
So hang in there, find joys in the small things like life until it passes. I am a better man for having gone through all of this, but I would not wish it on anyone.
I think a large part of it might be modern individualism and globalism. You are right, for better or worse tribalism is real. They say about half of happiness is genetic (I guess we just lost the lotto here) but strong community bonds are known to be a major component of "environmental" happiness. I left my "tribe" too, probably very common nowadays when all the good jobs are in a few cities. It's at the point now where I've moved around so much I don't really know if I can say I have a tribe or if I ever did. I'm trying to fix that now, to integrate myself into a strong community, but it's very hard. Would not bother if not for husband, I'd rather just lay down and sleep forever. It all just feels like a lot of work for not much payoff.
I dunno what else to say, I guess you have to pick a path and go with it. If you still fear death it's probably a sign you're not quite ready so I guess you may as well double down and keep trying. It's not like it really matters if it burns you out to the point of no return, if your other option was to kill yourself anyway.
I'm 27 and have half the problems you have. I'm not homeless yet, and I'm not facing a felony charge, though the former is just a matter of time.
I do wish I could eliminate what I know that depresses me too much to maintain hope. But the hand I've been dealt will yield constant decline, and it's already begun. It's likely that my circumstances will continue to fail, and I sadly am just intelligent enough to see the compounding variables and not disciplined enough to push through and stay afloat much longer.
Our preferences and inclinations are shaped by our limitations.
It's not that you can't rent yourself and survive. Give in to the circumstances and scrape each day on scraps until incarceration or sedation from monotony. It's that what you are underneath won't bend to fit that mold without breaking.
Am I anywhere near the mark? That's what it feels like for me, but perhaps it's far wide for you. I'm sorry for your pain. You've made it this far, and that warrants respect so I will give it. I too fear death, because I've seen it myself. Not in a hospital, and not in a battlefield. I was the leaf of a dying branch, and now I just float until I decay. I hope I make it as long as you.
Our brain tricks us, and makes sometimes living very hard. I'm just telling you this, because knowing the fact that we are just feeling what our brain (=we, as sentient being) is creating as emotion might help.
Why don't you give yourself another go by trying to live another life somewhere else, doing something else? If you don't want to continue your life as it is right now, then you will get exactly what you want.
Anyway, I get what you mean.
Of course, if you are pretty, people seemingly everywhere will react in certain ways to it. If you are abrasive, likewise, you will get according reactions.
That is often not fair, and on top of it, often we misspresent our feelings, and/or are missinterpreted. I don't particularly like the way humans are social. Nevertheless, recognizing the quirks is important, even though one might despise them. It's sounds a bit antisocial-personality-disorderly, but it is not.
Do you have an idea where stuff fails and goes downward?
I know for myself — as I did experience on my own — that some experiences can change you, and thus change others reaction to you.
Why don't you try to go where peoples social behaviour is fundamentally different? It might sound super weird now, but I went to a BDSM community, and it gave me air to breath. I met there some of the most decent and pleasure-to-deal-with people. I'm not recommending that to you, but it might give inspiration. I don't know your surroundings, but I bet that there are places where the social norm is vastly different, and that might help.
Other commonly-repeated bad advice includes:
* Try exercising.
* Go hiking -- when you're one with nature, life's troubles with seem insignificant.
* Force yourself out of bed and go take on the world! (aka "chin up, buster!")
There's just one good and true advice: Please seek help.
[0] https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/theory-knowledge/201603...
It doesn't sound like good advice if you're depressed, it sounds like an anxiety inducing platitude.
It's an especially evil piece of advice when offered to friends and family. Many depressed people lack the physical energy and willpower to put themselves through the psychiatric system, again and again, without any support. If I believed in hell I think there would be a special place in it for people who tell their loved ones to "seek help" when those loved ones are currently, by telling them, trying to seek help.
Honestly sometimes it gets to the point that I don't even want to spend time around other people unless they are equally chronically depressed, because you can't have an honest conversation with people who aren't. They either go into pollyanna mode or tough love mode and neither come from a place of actual connection and understanding. I think it's too scary for them to try to understand so they don't really try, and we get a multitude of platitudes that don't do anything except maybe make the giver feel better about themselves for doing a "good deed". If you explain why the platitudes don't help they usually just get mad. I think suicidal people spend more time doing emotional labor for non-suicidal people than the other way around. And then they call us selfish for leaving when we've finally had enough.
"There's just one good and true advice"
People are different. Some of the advice which you say is bad, is actually wonderful for some people.
Show: The Positive Mind Host: Armand DiMele Title: Shame and Suicide Description: Armand discusses the correlation between suicide and shame. Also, how people deal with feeling inadequate and lonely. Topics: shame vs. embarrassment, accountability and judgement, social phobia, cultural differences and expectations
-understand myself better.see book "please understand me II", David Keirsey.check a copy on gen.lib.rus.ec
-improve my perception processes."Conceptual Blockbusting: A Guide to Better Ideas", James L. Adams.you can check a copy for any book on prev website
-start to observe and enjoy the details in even the most "mundane" things(like a rock) around me.the "diskworld" series,terry pratchet
-any time i feel like going i begin starving&dehydration myself.in 1 month you go.see "the great starvation experiment",todd tucker
Not to mention, much of a person's happiness is supposedly determined genetically. To me it seems very cruel to give people false hope and then tell them it's their own fault when it doesn't pan out the way they were promised (which seems to be the usual way of things). I've been hanging out here for 15 years for my suicidality to get better and I haven't been passive in my waiting. I've tried a wide variety of things and some help for a little while but none really stick. For how many decades must I continue to hang around before the "it gets better" types can be honest enough to admit that sometimes it doesn't?
Also, are you over 40?
Poverty makes you worry. You ask yourself questions like how you will pay the rent next month, how to buy affordable food, how to deal with social deprivation because of lack of money. That worrying paralyzes, and destroys so much potential.
This is the University of Kentucky Center for Poverty Research.
There are literally 1000s of hours of research and writing to match.
University of Washington (in my backyard) also has a poverty research center.
A central take away, if you don't feel like reading is that poverty makes everything else in life at least 2x harder. It's like compounding interest on debt.
That research is one reason I support universal basic income.
On the other hand, worrying and doubting makes one submissive, and there are people who profit from having others working for them. So, I expect strong opposition to universal basic income.
I wish I could double down vote you.
I've been like this for the majority of my life and my circumstances have deteriorated significantly over the past 18 months. I don't want "emergency services". That's part of the problem; people are afraid to speak up due to not only the stigma but also the risk of having someone misinterpret the situation and presume there's some acute risk, when there isn't.. which only complicates the situation.
I'm homeless and broke, on top of a shit ton of other problems. I've been suicidal for most of my life. My career prospects are bleak. What exactly do you believe your efforts, while well intentioned, will achieve? I assure you that you'd not only complicate my situation further, you'd probably make it worse.
My point was that statistically it's becoming more likely that, at some point in the future, I will be at risk for completing suicide. Wanting help and wanting to be dead don't have cross over or gray areas in some cases. Please don't invade my privacy. I've had enough of that already.
Life is challenging for me now, and this article directly applies to me. Oh, and there's that thing about being a white male and suicide. Now imagine being a kind of intimidating looking type in a very non white anti trump area.
Tribalism is real. Had I stuck with my tribe early on I'd be more secure. My demise is probable at this time.
I am solid in my desire to self terminate yet lack the ability to overcome fear of death. I stay alive but it's closer than ever. It's almost a humane thing to let me go. I wouldn't wish my brain on anyone.
Good luck all.