Maybe my situation is a little less common, but I keep waiting for a mid-life crisis. I'm 45, have achieved a lot more so far than I ever expected to (I never expected myself to amount to much).

What I have become, is two things - more aware of time, and how limited it is. Second, selfish with my time. I do what I want to do, and no longer do what my girlfriend or anyone else wants me to do, unless it aligns with what I want to do.

i spotted the guy with no kids!

Not having kids is the best lifehack I've ever heard.

What's remarkable to me is how content both those with and those without children seem to be with their respective choices. (I know, a massive generalization, from purely anecdotal evidence.)

Disclaimer: in my 20s, with no kids... yet

It's because the abstract idea of a child is very different from the concrete reality of your specific child. I went through the same kind of thinking in my 20s; it's very hard to realize the huge gap between the idea of children and your actual children without visiting the other side.

You know… Before you have a kid, everyone tells you, "it's the best thing you'll ever do." And as soon as you get the baby back from the hospital, those same people are like, "Don't worry, it gets better." I'm like, "What the fuck was all that before?" - Quote from While We’re Young.

You can't visit. It's a one way ticket.

This is why I try very hard not to comment on people's decision not to have children. I think the vast majority of them would likely feel differently once they had them and would find it rewarding in ways an early 20 something cannot imagine.

On the other hand, some of them might not and I sure as hell don't want them having kids. How miserable for everyone involved.

I work in Finance, which is littered with the apparently-still-living corpses of people who have made a ton of money at the expense of family life, and now have nothing worthwhile to spend it on.

While I have a young child I waited till later in life to become a parent.

I feel fairly confident in my opinion that there is always something worthwhile to spend money on.

Hmmm ... I know many people who are old enough that it's too late to change and who regret or at least doubt not having kids, and none who regret having them. Does anyone ever say, 'my life would have been so much better if I didn't have Billy/Marie'?

I'm a foster parent. I definitely know people who regret having kids.

Furthermore, just on the basis of the number of single mothers I know, I would posit that at least one man you know has kids, regretted it, left the mother and just hasn't volunteered that information to you.

[edit] Also, my wife was adopted when her parents were in their 40s, so it's probably not too late to raise a kid.

> Does anyone ever say, 'my life would have been so much better if I didn't have Billy/Marie'?

The hard part is that parenthood changes people in ways that go beyond life experience. There are actual, measurable physiological changes that happen to parents. In many ways, children are like a drug to their parents. Just like addicts will sacrifice much of their lives to their habits, so too will parents sacrifice much of their lives to their children.

So asking your question is like asking whether a drug addicts wants another hit. That person will undoubtedly want one, but the person that person was before their addiction might look at the reality of the situation and decide they didn't want to start the habit in the first place. Likewise, someone not 'under the influence' of their parenthood might look on the situation differently.

But, in both cases, it's impossible for someone to understand both sides of the choice simultaneously.

There is definitely some kind of sampling biased here. I can't imagine rational people regrets having kids will ever say that out loud without being burned at stakes.

Besides, regrets tend to come in the form of "wish I've done something" (this applies to both sides), as can be seen even in earlier comments of this chain. Regret of having kids is likely to manifest in the form of wishing to have done more/ different things.

Lot's of interesting theory, but it would be too bad if anyone let that overcome what for very many is by far the most important, happiest thing in their lives.

I absolutely love my child and I would never say that I regret becoming a parent. I wanted to be a parent, and now I am, and it's amazing.

But to follow on my other comment above, I also have a pretty clear idea that I gave up some things to become a parent. And I think people who skip having a kid, and then feel doubts later in life about that decision, are really just feeling the other side of that coin.

I have heard more than I can count express regret at having children. Though it is usually in the form of regretting the timing (too young) with a caveat that the regret does not diminish their love.

I would say that it's one thing to regret that you could not do something, and another to regret that you had children. It's a matter of opportunity cost. If I have two events I'd like to attend that are at the same time I can regret not attending one whilst enjoying the one I did attend.

At least once a week, my wife and I will look at each other and say "I am so glad we didn't have kids!"

We're in our late 40's / early 50's.

> What's remarkable to me is how content both those with and those without children seem to be with their respective choices.

I don't find this surprising at all. Generally speaking, people make these choices because they know in their heart that it is what they want for themselves.

Possibly.

There are moments when I wish I didn't have kids.

But then there are moments when I see my son's or daughter's face and am in utter awe at their amazing beauty and realize a kind of happiness I can never imagine having from anything else.

When I sum it all up, I think that I am better and happier with them in my life than I would be if I didn't have them.

I believe there’s a study that shows educated people are having less or no children. Draw your own conclusions, but I don’t see any positives for society.

You simply could not be more wrong.

In the end, having children is the only thing in life that really makes any sense.

i've lived extensively with and without, and having kids easily trumps. life's amplitudes are greatly magnified by little ones.

> "life's amplitudes are greatly magnified by little ones."

Is it a given that magnifying life's amplitudes is a good thing?

I have a kid. Best thing I ever did with my life. He's 3.

You're 45 and had a kid when you were 42. Congrats, man! Here I am, at 35, still child-less, and I was wondering if I had missed that train... I know this is personal, and feel free to ignore me, but....is your girlfriend significantly younger than you? Just wondering because I know it's hard for women to conceive past 35 or so.

You're giving me hope I still have time!!!

Had my first kid last year, at 45. My wife is 35. I love that little guy more than anything else I've ever loved. Every day I look forward to coming home and seeing his big smile.

Yes, if your wife/girlfriend is around 35, the window is starting to close, but more and more women are having kids well into their 30's and early 40's.

I had my first at 41, second at 43. Those where my 'mid life crises' babies, best thing ever (I made PEOPLE!). My wife just turned 40. We met 5 years ago. We were both older, and wanted children. Conceiving was a bit of a challenge, we had to work at it. Plus neither of us had children before, so neither of us knew if we were even able. Worked out for us in the end, we were very fortunate.

I'm experiencing those same emotions in foresight.

I'm young---I'm 26, and I have a wife and two young children (2 and 4). I'm at that age where I could have gotten involved in so much, personally and professionally---and still could. And I know that this will be a bit setback for things I'd like to do in the future. But time with my family is more important, and we also bought a house that needs a lot of work.

And I fully expect to be feeling exactly as you are describing. And I'm trying to come to terms with that today, while I'm still young: focus on what I can be happy for today, recognize how my decisions affect my future, how I might adjust my plans, and recognize that the decisions I made (or didn't) have desirable consequences that I wouldn't change if I had the option to go back and do it again.

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

Mike, I'm going to say that you can continuously improve and upgrade your career, you can't say the same about your wife and kids. So, it's more important to date and look for a wife early, while with your professional career you have all the time you need.

From your name, I'm going to guess you're Jewish, so you would have had even harder of a search, if you wanted to marry someone Jewish, than if you did not have this additional filter. So, don't worry... you've succeeded in choosing your wife, starting a family, and now you have plenty of time to keep improving in your career. Consider the opportunity cost of doing the reverse - career first, then kids.

I do agree---I'd rather have the family.

I'm not Jewish, but your comments stand all the same. Thanks for the kind words.

I would say for your age, you are taking your responsibilities quite well. Kudos to you for being so positive and inspiring others!

You'll be happy with your life choice when you're able to get to know your kids as adults and they (hopefully) grow up enough to realize that they don't know everything.

Very buddhist, at its core. Once you remove attachment to things, events, results, milestones, etc., you can start digging into what really sets the stage for actual, repeatable, "happiness."

Regarding happiness (as opposed to goals), I thought this post was pretty good: https://medium.com/keep-learning-keep-growing/the-secret-to-...

> I have to accept that it's possible to be happy, even knowing that I gave some things up for other things.

I was just contemplating this the other day. I concluded that it is better to look at what you gained with your choices vice what you lost.