Mary: I fixed the missing-messages bug, and I'm about to refactor the protocol to support faster logins.
Jon: We should talk afterwards, I'm also touching the protocol to edit the login screen.
Dyneshwari: I did an unrelated UI change that doesn't interfere with anyone.
Shruthi: I just started laying the groundwork for ads in the stream.
Manager: We should talk afterwards, legal has a bunch of new requirements on the format of ads.
Su: Nothing to report.
Grant: Oh, we moved all the test databases. You need to get the latest base data in your environment or you won't be able to work.
Joe: Jon, loop me in when you talk to Mary, I just had to change the protocol for UI widget X and I've got some tips for working with it.
Not quite 1 minute, but it could save several hours of work when Mary, Jon, and Joe coordinate and make sure they aren't stomping on each others' toes, and their little mini-meeting probably won't take more than 20 minutes.
And here you have your real problem.
You're applying an office-tool (the board) to a team that is not sharing an office.
What works much better for distributed teams is to treat them like OSS projects.
Do you know any OSS project that uses a "board", or stand up meetings?
They use the issue-tracker, pull-requests and chat instead.
I feel that the article is attacking a strawman, or perhaps it is a no true Scotsman where the objections are all or mostly about standups that aren't working rather than about the idea of a short "Let's just make sure we are all on the same page" session.
Blog I haven't seen tried, but I imagine it would hit the same problems; either you notify everyone and have the same problems as slack, or you don't and have a big risk of someone missing an update.
This has an amusing side effect: For some reason, even if I attend the stand-up after all, nobody debates my completed tasks with the big green check marks. So I now do this before every stand-up.
I guess we are drilling down to the similarly fundamental yet pointless truth about communication: it's easy when it is working well.
Many of my best stand ups go like
Mary: "Nothing to report."
Jon: "Nothing to report."
Dyneshwari: "Nothing to report."
Shruthi: "Nothing to report."
Su: "Nothing to report."
Grant: "Oh, we moved all the test databases. You need to get the latest base data in your environment or you won't be able to work."
Joe: "Nothing to report."
It's over in 1 minute.