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Re:The daily stand-up is an anti-pattern by moe on Wednesday April 08, 2015 @08:48AM (#9340353)
simple things like updating the board are done at best inconsistently

And here you have your real problem.

You're applying an office-tool (the board) to a team that is not sharing an office.

What works much better for distributed teams is to treat them like OSS projects.

Do you know any OSS project that uses a "board", or stand up meetings?

They use the issue-tracker, pull-requests and chat instead.

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