It IS important for kids to have caretakers who give them attention, opportunity to be capable for life and economy, and a happy and stimulating environment.

Working towards these things with your kid is literally more important than these things making your kid more developed.

Also: don't smoke or perform other bad habits around him. Nail biting, drinking, getting angry, gossiping, etc. These are negative habits that will rub off.

Dissecting this now, how far behind can a two year old be? Not very far if at all. The severe outliers are two years behind - unable to hold up their heads. Most everyone is in the middle on just about everything - there's a normal range.

Now twelve, my son has been fully potty trained for many years. The important things in his two year old class were singing and laughing and playing and getting along with other kids and strategies for dealing with the times when things didn't go his way.

My son dropped his bar of soap in the five year old musical! He wasn't moved up to the U11 soccer team when he was nine! He got a B in sixth grade math this spring!

Music or sports or academics every parent is a fool, and comparing one's children to other children is a fool's game. I do it, still and know I'm being a fool and I do it anyway.

[1] Oh eM Gee! Daycare? What the hell is wrong with us? How could we do this. He'll probably get a B in Sixth Grade math because he blew off his homework and be ruined for life!

If I could/had to do it all over again I would be keeping these things in mind: Pressure is bad. It's probably easier than you think to makes kids afraid to try. Keep him away from computers/TV as long as possible. Imagination is a pale and shabby thing beside them. Books build a different mind.

I would also echo the nutrition thing. I would suggest maybe a shake for breakfast with a variety of fresh/frozen fruit and some Vega One: http://myvega.com/product/vega-one-nutritional-shake/ Take a good look at the nutritional content. Hopefully that will be a habit that will sustain the kids nutritional needs while he goes through the dreaded "I'm only eating white bread and dry pasta" phase.

Good luck.

This is almost always good advice, but I think it bears repeating as the crux of this extremely insightful post. And honestly: HN is NOT the place to look for this. I think you're lucky to have someone like kvnn responding up top but you're likely to soon be mired in god knows what.

Go be a dad. Do it the way dads have done it forever: Off the cuff, the best they know how. He'll benefit a lot more from your honest attempts and interaction than anyone else's poor attempts at Best Practices for Other People.

Good luck, and as an adoptee, I thank you for being a good dad to a kid who needs one!

Truth is I'm young and I've never been in this position before. I've also missed out on those first two years with no idea of the damage done.

Thanks to both of you for taking the time to give me advice. It means a tonne. I think I'm getting a bit frustrated as would anyone in my position.

@kvnn I am from Manchester, UK :)

Asking questions like "what flavour of juice do you want?" will encourage a reply of "apple" or "orange" rather than a monosyllabic yes/no.

Being ok with whatever the closest approximation of that word you're going to get is and then repeating back the correct pronunciation (as mentioned in another comment) makes this a lot less stressful than it sounds.

If the kid's mother is the primary source of unconditional cuddles, considering becoming the primary source of respect. When I was in a similar sounding situation, the desire to be "daddy's big boy" was a powerful motivating factor for getting him to stretch his abilities.

Also, though ... the fact you care enough to have started this at all suggests that the parenting circuits have kicked in (or ... whatever you want to call it; let's just say I know the "oh shit, I appear to feel like a parent ... ok, wow, this is amazing also I AM SCARED AS HELL OF DOING IT WRONG" feeling) and that combined with a little common sense will go a LONG way.

If you've already "been told his rate of development has been remarkable since (you) became involved" ... you may be micro-optimising something that's already proceeding pretty efficiently already.

A child is not a lawnmower engine. Children don't get damaged and repaired. They grow up, each as their own snowflake.

Everyone doesn't get frustrated to the point of pathologizing their child's development. Growing up needs to happen all around.

Good luck.

I'm not saying he is like a lawnmower engine and I didn't mean it this way. I'm trying to find better ways on how to educate him and help him grow. This doesn't mean I'm doing so at the expense of loving him and giving him a good upbringing. In fact, it's the opposite. He isn't going to develop in the way that I'd like if he has a less than great childhood.

People do get frustrated when they see a child they love so damaged and feel powerless to do anything about it.

Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it, but a part of me feels that you have misunderstood what I meant and my intentions.

I went through architecture studios with a quadriplegic. Tim crashed a motorcycle while studying fine art as an undergrad. He could move his head. Holding a pencil in his teeth, he could sketch more quickly and beautifully than most of the class. By kindness, there would be a sketchbook within his reach.

My advice as a parent is that feelings of frustration and unfulfilled expectations can form a barrier to being in and savoring your moments with him. Life is not about what someone can't do, but what they can.

Thanks for your advice and taking the time to help me out, it's much appreciated. I do understand your point and looking at things I can see how my focus and frustrations may have gotten in the way.

I don't think that's possible with some things, like raising a child, where there's just a lot of steady work to be done. Changing diapers, cleaning up barf, spending time at the park, etc... and simply "being there".

The book actually has plenty of "tricks". Contrary to what I have read in this page I found (and this is the point of Dr Karps' books) that there are plenty of tricks that are absolutely not intuitive.

For example to avoid a tantrum you repeat to the child what he actually wants ("Jimmy wants to eat more cake") then explain shortly why he cannot and propose something else. I found this works surprisingly well. Just the fact that the child hears what he wants from your mouth seems to make a big difference.