And for folks that do want to bury the body, it can be done way cheaper than the funeral industrial complex would have you believe. Our church keeps a simple coffin on hand that the family can use at cost. And we have folks who will prepare the body and bring it to the church. The only part we don't usually do is dig the grave. Cemeteries usually include that in the cost of the plot.

This is what both my parents and myself did. When my mum was diagnosed with Stage 4 melanoma, it was one less thing to worry about arranging and trying to find money for.

She went from diagnosis to death in two months so things were a bit disorienting and just getting a RESPECT form (aka DNR) completed was such a struggle as everyone I spoke to had no record of my previous conversation with the last person I spoke to.

When mum was admitted to the hospice, despite explaining the arrangements we’d made and showing them the paperwork, it was only by chance that one evening I happened to overhear a nurse mention that mum had ascites, which is one of the few things that disqualified her from being able to donate her body. I googled it and realised we would need to arrange and pay for her body to be collected, stored and cremated.

She died the next morning and luckily I was able to get that sorted about 2 hours earlier. I suppose the point I’m trying to make is that if you go through the process of arranging to donate your body to a teaching hospital (which you must do yourself ahead of time) don’t assume it’s on medical records or that anyone will advise you that the body isn’t suitable for donation for any reason. Like all NHS-related things in the UK, the systems are breaking or broken and so are the poor staff, so you need to advocate for whoever needs it and never assume what you said one day will be passed on to the next shift.

I'll just mention that when my mom was starting to deteriorate, my dad hired a healthcare advocate and set up legal authorities such that if he was incapacitated when mom needed medical decisions in hospice, or logistical details about funeral arrangements, the advocate could represent what mom and dad had discussed prior as their wishes.

Then, a year or so after my mom passed it became clear dad was heading that way, and he set up the same arrangements with the same advocate.

It was a great decision. The advocate shielded the family from a lot of unpleasant details, allowing us to focus on spending as much quality time with dad in his final weeks. In particular it was a huge benefit for my aunt, who's the oldest surviving part of that branch of our family, was very close to my father, and struggled through severe emotional turmoil in the situation. Without that advocate and dad's prior wishes being made very clear, she would have felt duty bound to try to run his cremation and remembrance personally in a way that would have been even more horrific for her.

So for anyone who is facing these situations on the horizon, I strongly suggest looking into something like this. Having a 3rd party that isn't the hospice staff, and that isn't a relative in emotional duress, was fantastic. The advocate dad chose previously was managing director of a care home, and switched to doing advocate work as a sort of soft retirement. So she knew in detail how all of that world works and was excellent at getting stuff done for dad.

That sounds like a very rewarding job. Sure, you have to deal with the grief that so many death-adjacent fields have to, but at least you get the satisfaction of really helping people through those terrible times.

So sorry for your losses.

Are you able to share any details about how you found the healthcare advocate or who I could talk to about it? It's just me and my dad now with some of my cousins between 2 and 4 hours away, so when my dad is on his way out I'm quite anxious about dealing with it all and have basically no money.

We ended up using the Co-op to cremate my mum, skipping any funeral services and going with the most basic offerings and it still cost more than I expected. It was darkly funny that when we were paying we were asked if we had a Co-op loyalty card, the exact same one we'd use when buying milk and bread in the shop, and she scanned it and we got a discount.

Thanks :)

Dad found her through his church.

My impression from talking with her is that this is a relatively new and uncommon concept in the industry, but one that is growing.

Another big benefit is having someone who can help with the insurance companies. Thankfully that wasn't an issue with my dad, but I saw how bad it can be with my roommate when his dad went into a care home. Not just Kafka-esque but cravenly maliciously so.

Thank you for replying :) I'll have a look around and see if it's a thing round here. Have a lovely weekend. :) x

I was gonna post the same story. The “donate grandma to medical science” story only to find out she was used to test landmines is too wild