There are more women in my friends circle who do this than not.

Yeah, I don't do this at all, and I don't like being friends with those that do

By definition, if you don't like to experience it; don't like to witness it, it's not 'ribbing': it's bullying. It's crucial that the person being ribbed is part of the joke, and should be obvious.

It's very common for people to engage in the bullying, thinking that they are just ribbing; perhaps, never having experienced the safety that is required for ribbing.

There's also the common experience of a bully who always retreats to the defense of "I'm just ribbing you, why are you so defensive?" anytime they're challenged. Making the victim feel like they're the problem.

This is the case for so many things, though. Some people try to be funny but aren’t. Some people think they know how to drive safely but can’t. Some people think they are great programmers but aren’t.

This doesn’t mean that there aren’t funny people, or safe drivers, or great programmers. It also doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to KNOW you are funny, safe, or great at something.

It is a bit of a paradox, though, that right and wrong people can be equally certain.

If you cause a car wreck, you failed at driving. It doesn't necessarily make you a bad driver in and of itself - everybody makes mistakes - but if you also refuse to acknowledge and own your error then that certainly suggests a lack of competence.

If you ship code that blows up in production, you failed at programming. It doesn't necessarily make you a bad programmer in and of itself - everybody makes mistakes - but if you also refuse to acknowledge and own your error then that certainly suggests a lack of competence.

If you tell a joke that lands disastrously, you failed at comedy. It doesn't necessarily make you a bad comedian in and of itself - everybody makes mistakes - but if you also refuse to acknowledge and own your error then that certainly suggests a lack of competence.

I still don't understand why, for many people, that last point is so much harder to understand than the first two.

I mostly agree but I think the nuance with comedy is that there can be a mismatch in audiences, sometimes the others participating are not the intended audience, but are instead used as props. In that case it could be successful comedy independently of if they enjoyed it. Whether or not that’s ethical in a given situation is a separate question.

> the others participating are not the intended audience, but are instead used as props.

Then it is frequently just a public bullying of a victim. Bullying can be really fun and bonding activity for bullies. That is why many of them do it.

I think sometimes you get a mismatch between the audience the person thinks they have, and the audience they actually have.

For example, if you make a public post on social media, your actual audience is effectively the whole world. If you wanted a smaller audience, you should not have chosen a public post on social media as your venue.

Lots of people like that in this thread. I'm pretty sure their friends do not find it as funny or innocent.

I've seen such a friend group explode after one too many "I was just joking", and it turned out everyone pretty much hated each other. So much trash talking behind people's back due to harmless "ribbing".

I have many friends who I don’t do this with, because I know they don’t like it and it doesn’t work with them. I show my friendship to them by understanding the type of person they are and knowing that friendly ribbing is not for them.

Would you mind being friends with someone like me? Or do you feel like engaging in that behavior at all, even if not directed at you, is enough to make you not want to be friends with them?

I would gladly be friends with someone like you!

Aww, that was sweet, the opposite of bullying or ribbing. I guess for some people it's too sweet for their taste/culture/personality, they're more used to the "mean kind of nice". I prefer the straight up kind of nice, like this, where I don't have to be on my feet for getting attacked. Writing this out, I see similarities with "play fighting" among cats or dogs.

Why did it put you off? Did you not understand the intention behind the words, or were the words unforgiveable despite their intention?

Not OP. It's not about the words or the intentions, it's about the fact that we can talk about anything in the world, do any activity together, and you want to do something I'm not comfortable with.

That said, I understand relationships are about give and take. I couldn't be in a romantic relationship like this, but I'll indulge my friends or my cousins. I have a friend who engages in "countersignaling" often. Our connection is generally worth the uncomfortableness, but sometimes it is unbearable.

It’s 100% about intention. The whole premise of male ribbing depends solely on intention, and you can always tell the person’s intention.

Not the person you asked, but I think it comes down to past experiences/family environment/etc. Theres poking fun at someone to signal "i like you anyway"... that is real. There's also people who cross the line with their words, and use "i was just joking" as an excuse to be cruel.

If someone has experienced a lot of the later, it makes sense that they don't really trust the former.

Very well said.

Not who you asked.

With age Ive found myself much more comfortable with folks "being mean, but in a friendly way" as they intend it. When I was younger though, I never understood why folks didn't instead just "say the nice part." Like, if your friends are always glad you join them even if you're always late, making fun of you for being late with a big smile can still feel pretty bad for you. Much better to say "hey please don't be late" and also "we really enjoy you spending time with us."

With age Ive come to see that for reasons I don't understand, lots of folks have a massive aversion to saying clearly the things they appreciate about the people around them directly. Eh, their loss.

I think there's a bit more to it than that. Being mean in a friendly way is sort of a sport, for some people finding a good quip is about the mental challenge of wordsmithing. It's easy, and not all that creative, to say "don't be late" and also with certain people can come across more negatively than just jokingly berating them, believe it or not. It sounds more serious. Something like, "glad you made it, Leland! We were just posting a GoFundMe to buy you a watch." Said in the right way with people you are very familiar with keeps a lighter tone, and less like I'm actually upset (even if I may be.) Not that I'd ever say something like that in a professional setting or to people I'm not actually strong friends with; those people just get a "glad you made it, Leland!"

It's also sort of the same reason shows like It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia are funny. When you're jokingly mean to a friend, you're being a bit of a caricature, an exaggeration. That's part of the fun of it, too. And why it can get a point across while keeping it light.

Yeah I think in America it's a pretty distinctly East Coast thing. I grew up in Southern California and had to travel a lot for work, and it was super obvious when I traveled to the East Coast and went out drinking with coworkers that I didn't have those banter/shit-talking muscles trained, because nobody in my circles social circles ever really treated each other that way.

They never directed any of it at me because they were emotionally intelligent people, but even so, I did find it kind of annoying and off-putting - it was just a legitimate cultural difference.

It’s pretty universal. I’ve lived in South, East Asia and the Middle East and it’s very common there.