Post a longtime job out of grad school via on-campus interview (which is a bit of an irrelevant story itself), every other of my (few) jobs were through a professional network. Nothing formal, but people I ran into and maintained some connection with. I know there are a lot of people who (at least until recently) are they just ping a recruiter and get offers dropped in their lap. Or who are deeply resentful that it seems like "who you know" is the modus operandi for some. But without being anything like deliberate or cynical about the whole thing, it worked for me.

+100 to this.

"Yup, you get a lot of people complaining about the pointlessness of small talk, but the reality is that small talk is social glue."

Only with some people. Trying to do smalltalk with me, will not make me your friend. I simply hate smalltalk. (Talking unimportant things for the sake of talking)

But there are a million of other interesting non buisness things I am willing to talk about at length. I also like to joke around and be silly. But that requires a connection, you won't get with me while talking about the weather. And I know many people are like me, most just adopted to "like" smalltalk, as they think this is the way it has to be.

Small talk doesn’t need to be about the weather as the trope goes.

It can be as simple as “hey have you seen {shared colleague} recently?” Or “Hey man, you get into any new hobbies recently?”, or “I’ve been dabbling in {x} tech, have you done anything like it or are could recommend an alternative based on {personal information you got from collaborating with this person}”

The main point in making is that you need to continue in performing these relationship maintaining activities _before_ you need said persons help.

For the extremely oblivious who haven’t researched any game theory but know some comp sci, imagine that relationships with all other humans needed regular mechanical Turk transactions with yourself or they will be identified as high risk groups that shouldn’t be afforded any leeway.

"The main point in making is that you need to continue in performing these relationship maintaining activities _before_ you need said persons help."

Well, but I am quite good in determining if another person is just trying to be (fake) friendly, so they can get my help later and I am not interested in that and smalltalk won't create that bond for me. I am interested in genuine connections.

So if someone asks this question "Hey man, you get into any new hobbies recently" and is actually interested in my response - then this is simply not smalltalk anymore by my definition. And I gladly answer. And maybe form a bond. And of course help each other later.

But if I feel, it is just a mechanical and calculated approach to bond with me, well, no thank you. But I also help people without doing smalltalk if I can.

small talk isnt pointless if done with an aim. this video help explains that https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hw5CPtEyedU. seduction as applied to conversation.

also rather mundane conversation can be fun if done in the right manner. this video talks more on the right manner: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRG-YubP1rw

> Well, but I am quite good in determining if another person is just trying to be (fake) friendly, so they can get my help later and I am not interested in that and smalltalk won't create that bond for me. I am interested in genuine connections.

Can I presume that this is the burner account of some particular billionaire if you are that good at recognizing the social situations?

> Can I presume that this is the burner account of some particular billionaire if you are that good at recognizing the social situations?

I'm pretty certain GP isn't as good as he thinks he is. Literally no one can tell the difference between me making smalltalk because I think I may need you later and me making smalltalk because I am genuinely interested in you.

The reason I say this is because even I cannot tell tell the difference, because I tend to find something interesting in everyone. I've made smalltalk with literal ditch-diggers, and two weeks later with a billionaire, and the conversations were both pretty much the same.

"The reason I say this is because even I cannot tell tell the difference"

Then you are acting natural. I mean cold calculated attempts to bond to benefit. And nice empty small talk as an art to get there. This is the small talk I mean and don't like. Talking about small things in a fun way I enjoy

I fully agree with this.

Small talk probably doesn't even need to be "talk", a consider the (in/)famous example of asking for a cigarette lighter.

just make jokes? what did the weather do to you?

I'd like you to consider a different perspective. Maybe ask yourself if your current perspective is too self-focused and maybe also a perspective that lacks self-awareness.

======================

I think you might be using a different definition of "smalltalk" than most people.

Me, for example ... I don't talk about weather or sport. I won't pretend to be interested in 'em either.

And yet, I have no problem engaging even strangers for 30m or more at a time. I just pick something in context and mention it.

For example, if you can strike up, and then continue, a conversation with the person next to you in line for boarding a flight, then you're golden. I once lead with "That's a damn small plane[1]. I hit my head the first time I went into one of those." to a tall gentleman behind me in the line, and had a 30m conversation with someone who turned out to be a very interesting litigator.

I mean, if you're in a specific place, at a specific time, and cannot find anything contextual to use as a conversation starter, then I don't think that the problem is that the whole world is too dumb[2] for your level of "smalltalk" topics.

When you "connect", you're not looking to marry the person, just find something you both have in common. If you run into too many situations where you have absolutely nothing in common with people around you, you are the problem, not the people around you.

[1] Embraer 139, or something. Can't remember now.

2] I dunno how else to interpret "talking for the sake of talking".

Well, partly it is indeed about defining smalltalk.

"then I don't think that the problem is that the whole world is too dumb[2] for your level of "smalltalk" topics."

I also don't think other people are too dumb to have conversation with me.

But I do value silence more, than well "talking for the sake of talking".

Meaning 2 people thinking they need to do smalltalk, but both people are not that interested in the other person. Casual blabla to pass the time. Or artificial attempts to "network". (Won't work like this) I can smile about such awkward conversations, but not take part in it.

Otherwise I can make deep connections very fast with completely random strangers and talk about anything. If I feel like it.

It might be the depression talking, but I think in truth I don't want to like people.

I'm not playing a strong Devil's Advocate for this thread, my comments are explanations and not excuses - I just don't like people, and I would need to be convinced that relationships are worth having, before I cared about how to have them. If I wanted lots of platonic business relationships I would be interested in how to have them.

If it's not too personal—why do you not want to like people?

Not them, but can relate. I dwell on the asymmetrical nature a bit. Relationships take more than they provide.

It's certainly an indication that I should maintain better relationships... but it's vastly easier to keep them minimal.

I hear people now: "but opportunities!". Can't miss what you already have.

To know I have a friend (of a certain class, at least) I have to be ready to effectively double the size of my life. It's already been pretty overwhelming. Different types of resilience involved or being developed

Back on topic: I find it's less about the people and more... everything in between. The act of sorting; rarely worth the effort. Manufacturing productive business relationships has been far simpler than personal. Where some find benefit joining them... I actually enjoy space between.