> I'm not shy about sharing that I am

I can't hide mine. People can smell it like a hound. I guess it comes with the territory when you are overtly hyperactive in your 30s. I'm not proud of it either, but I wish I could go through life a bit more discretely.

> People need to build connections with their physical neighbors more than they need a community of fellow autistic or adhd people online

Absolutely. ADHD is too diverse and too common to be a focal point of a community. Other ADHD folks are great for creating a pity-party echo-chamber, but I tend to be more pragmatic and am more interested in solutions, which said communities tend to lack in my experience e.g., all the various subreddits.

I've seen this, fwiw, in that there's less of a disability community around adhd than say autism or deafness. That said, there are probably thousands of adhd communities, some which fall into self pity and some that are very "gimme solutions please". Just a matter of finding one that works for you if you want to find one.

I wouldn't draw the line at "community", I'd draw it at "identity". It's one thing to be something, for example, I'm a picky eater, it's another to build your existence around that fact. Being a picky eater is not part of my identity, it doesn't define who I am, it's part of who I am, surely, and I wholeheartedly accept it, but if I woke up one day and craved some cauliflowers I would still be me.

I could be a part of some picky eater community, I guess, but I would quickly grow uncomfortable with it if it revolved around cherishing and celebrating how we are picky eaters.

I think at some point we took a wrong turn in the identity-based paradigm of society we now find ourselves into, and in our zeal to achieve self-acceptance, empathy and compassion we went from "you don't have to be defined by things you don't want to be defined by" to "you are defined by these and that's great". Everybody is free to base their identity around whatever they want of course, but I can hardly think of anything more dull than basing your being around some mental quirk.

That’s an interesting and useful distinction

Unfortunately in the context of ADHD, where hyper focus is a common symptom, it’s moot.

/s (kinda)

Your identity is anything you define yourself with. You just identified yourself as a picky eater -- that's part of your identity. However, you choose not to make it a celebrated, core, or significant part of your identity. That's fine.

If you said "I am not a picky eater ", that's denying it's part of your identity.

Ones identity is simply the set of all traits they would use to self describe. Parts of one's identity people will push forward and parts they'll not ever emphasize or show.

ADHD is not a "mental quirk". It's a serious condition that often make people incompatible with modern world. It's like being blind. Everything blind person is doing in his/her life is affected by being blind.

I'm sorry you haven't found a community to share in your disability.

Communities are incredibly useful for some disabled folks to share strategies, check experiences ("does anyone else experience... how do you deal with..."), and talk with people who will understand you better than someone without your disability.

What you are describing is isolation from others who might connect with you. No one is suggesting you only participate in communities associated with your disability, just that those communities are often incredible resources and sources of strength.