Thank you! I wish I felt strong; I had a friend from high school visiting this weekend, and he said that my strength is inspirational. I looked around wondering if he was talking to someone else, but in fact I was the only person in the room.

Sometimes it seems like there is no choice but to be strong. But in reality someone could choose to give up and give in and quit. Not making that choice is what we admire in people, and you in particular.

This makes me think about the saying about how being brave doesn't mean not being scared, it means pushing through the fear and doing what has to be done anyway.

I feel like it's similar to your strength. From your writing I gather you've had more than your share of bad days, emotionally, during this ordeal. But you're still here, still writing, still posting here, talking to random strangers on the internet. And you and your wife's drive to document all this so others can better navigate the clinical trial process in the future... yeah, absolutely, this is strength, and a lot of it, even if you don't feel strong.

Anyhow, for what it's worth, know that there are random people on the internet who follow your story from afar, and that we're rooting for you.

Recently, i keep reading the book of 'Pratical Mindfulness', i have learnt it that you are you not your thought, thus, if you feel fear, it maybe just a emotion, just your feeling, not the facts

In my experience people confuse "what the fuck else am I supposed to do?" with "strength" a lot in ways that are ... not as helpful as they think they are.

See also, in the not-so-helpful department: "you're so lucky [to not be dead yet]" when luck would've not been being so close to death in the first place.

I also don't really understand how it's supposed to be inspirational but I wish you the best and hope you make it through to the other side to the full recovery phase.