First 20 years of my life was me waiting to get out of the environment I was in. The next 5 trying to stay alive. The past 5 improving myself, my mental health, the way I view life and relate to others.

It's all good in the end. For 25 years of my life I thought everyone faked being happy. I now know that it actually is possible to be happy :).

I get that feeling of feeling like everyone is faking being happy, and I'm glad that you've found a way to overcome it.

For me, I've always struggled with being overly cynical. I can't let nice moments be, and I can't let accomplishments lie.

I feel like I'm somewhere on the journey you are on, and I hope to get to the same destination.

I'm no psychologist but I share the sentiment, a feeling of "this'll all end up in tears anyway". From the point of view of attachment theory, it may be related to avoidant attachment; don't get too attached to nice moments, accomplishments, good times because something will go wrong.

I'm fairly sure I'm in the avoidant quadrant; as to what caused it, I'm not entirely sure but the things that fit are that my mother was very ill when I was 3 (thrombosis, she spent a few days in ER), and that a friend who sort of "saved" me from being all alone at school just left one day (her parents moved), which re-emphasized my already present feeling of "shouldn't get too attached". The rest was probably self-inflicted, feelings of superiority / being more mature than the other kids, fear of rejection, etc. But it adds up and resulted in growing up awkward, immature, single, boring, etc. I'm 38 now and have been through some mental health stuff, but it's expensive (since it's not clinical) and ultimately pointless unless I throw my life around, become a more social person, and get a lot more reinforcement that I'm wrong and my cynicism is not justified. But instead I get reinforcement that I'm not wrong. To a point that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, but at the same time society is going through a loneliness crisis and focused on individuality, so... I'm not wrong?

Anyway; avoidant attachment theory, have a look.

I was sexually abused by a family member at young age. It certainly affected me in negative ways, and should be stopped, but it is also important to emphasize to current victims that being abused doesn't make you uniquely and shamefully damaged. Some large percentage of humans have been traumatized as children, and many of us find our way to a fulfilling and good life. Lots of therapy, maybe a few sharp corners that won't go away, but still healing is possible, and not even algorithmically difficult, just a lot of hard work and awareness and willingness to question deeply behind the surface of things.

I might sometimes get triggered by certain textures while I am eating, but I am able to trust people and tolerate being hurt without totally shutting down and enjoy my family and work and leisure.

Some people are tremendously evil, but most people are surprisingly resilient. We didn't get thru human history without being able to overcome a lot.

Both the cause and consequences of this need to be addressed, but the problems are twofold; one is that - of course - it's hidden, and most cases of abuse are never made public; in my personal experience (not me but my SO) it's the victim that doesn't want anyone else to know, and I'm confident that this is the case in many cases.

And the other part - the consequences - need to be addressed too. Many people I know are in a mental health program of sorts, myself included although that was mostly last year and nothing major. But a lot of people in their 30's finally have the awareness that something is not right, the time/means to pursue it, and the access to mental health, and get a lot of epiphanies on themselves - be it trauma, neurodiversity such as ADHD/ASD, etc. At least four adults I know have started on ADHD medication and have had an emotional moment where for the first times in their life their head emptied and they could think straight or not go through a dozen mood swings a day.

But we're in a mental health crisis; a lot of people grew up with "just suck it up", "deal with it", "there's others that have it worse", or "this is normal", but thanks to awareness, the internet, and reduced stigma to talk about mental health, there's a lot of people now who realize they need help, which is overloading the mental health systems. In my country there's at least a year long wait period for some of the most vulnerable people (teenagers), which is a big problem because teenagers are also more neuroplastic still, so they would benefit the most from mental health help compared to people in their 30's.

TL;DR, while the root causes from an older generation will be difficult to solve, I have high hopes for a younger generation that has more awareness and access to mental health problems and who can hopefully resolve their own issues growing up and not pass it on to the younger generation.

However, I'm also aware that the above is a very "western" point of view; there's plenty of situations worldwide, right now, that will result in generational trauma for decades to come yet. The people currently living in warzones, poverty, etc will never be the same again. "Our" generation is the children and grandchildren of people who lived through WW2, who themselves or whose parents lived through WW1 and the Great Depression, and this generational trauma is still very much affecting "us" today to lesser or greater degrees.

I've been going through a similar metamorphosis, but it didn't start until 36.

I wonder sometimes whether I'll have missed out on some things permanently because of it. For instance, every year my odds of carrying a healthy child to term drop farther, and I'm already considered "geriatric" for pregnancy purposes.

I really don't see how it could have happened any earlier than it did, and I'm grateful it happened at all because I can easily see how it could have been worse, but there's still a grief journey involved even though I try not to dwell on the things lost.

Everyone "misses out" on things either due to choices they make or events/accidents that are out of their control. Being a parent can be rewarding but it also comes with a lot of expense, worry, and sacrifice. There are a lot of things a childless person or couple can do that would be difficult or impossible for someone with kids, and a lot of things that they will never have to deal with (e.g. serious illness or death of a child, the possibility that the child "fails to launch" or even becomes a criminal, etc.).

I have no regrets but parenthood is a fork in the road in life and there is "missing out" on both sides of it.

The concern is whether you're missing out on something you would have preferred to have.

I missed out on a lot of young adult stuff, partying, traveling, sleeping around, and I can't seem to get over it. I have lots of money but I can't seem to buy my way out of resentment and envy for people who had a more ordinary life

IMO that stuff is overrated, but either way you can't change the past, neither the mistakes you made, the abuse you suffered, or the stuff you never did. Look forward, not back.

And in my experience, if you have money you'll have no trouble finding people to party with you, if that's what you want to do. Go to the nearest bar and start buying rounds.

I think you've nailed it, and that it's subjective.

I missed out on those things too, but it doesn't bother me at all, because they're not things I wanted to experience, whereas parenthood feels to me like a big loss.

(I know it's not necessarily final, and there are lots of kids in the world in need of people who want to be parents. I'm not without hope that something like this is still in my future. That's not really the point here though.)

Yeah but you're missing out on what you imagine parenthood is, not the reality of what it is. I'm not saying parenthood can't be great, and most of us are biologically wired to want it, but there's also a far-from-zero chance that it can be heartbreaking. If, for whatever reason, you did not get to be a parent, you can still help children in many other ways and you can still live a life of positive influence in your community and among those close to you, and you will have done far more good with your life than many parents do.

This is all true, but I think I want to be a parent even if it is heartbreaking.

I think of my own parents' experience. My brother is an addict (thankfully sober for a decade now, but it was a long journey). My sister died suddenly and with no warning when she was only 29, and she was 8 months pregnant. My parents' experience, by any account, has been devastating.

But if you ask them whether they would rather never have had my siblings at all? Not a chance. Not even the flicker of a consideration.

I don't think the actually quite high chance that it will be heartbreaking deters me from wanting it. But I also don't consider keeping my heart unbroken a priority. My heart only manages to break when I love, and I'd rather live a life full of both love and heartbreak than forego the former in hopes of avoiding the latter.

I can say that from personal experience, sometimes it is the way things get projected in society or specific circles.

I'll give an example. I once rented at a house where the landlady and her partner were (eventually both) poly.

They were starbucks baristas that went clubbing/dating/etc far more frequently than me, I was getting back on my feet after finally being able to work on my childhood and 20s trauma.

Every new outfit, every new partner, was it's own show-off or conversation.

When I got a promotion, I did the 'got-a-promotion' thing and bought myself a 'decent' lens. My landlady's partner was a photographer and we had spoken about the topic in the past. As soon as I brought it up as a friendly shared interest topic? 'You are bragging/waving privilege'.

They were still, of course, happy to flaunt during 'game nights' that the majority of the group was going for all sorts of 'shenanigans' while myself and the other person that got driven out before me...

essentially realized they were narcissists. Well, really just the one and the Landlady was being manipulated by her partner. Fun talks with housemates, right?

But that is the bigger warning for those who have early trauma.

There are those who may or may not have their own trauma, some of them may actually mean well, but a -lot- of them will look at you as an easy target to beat down or manipulate to their own ends. When they get the 'win-win' of "This person has made better life choices than me, 'but I am smarter than them and am taking advantage of them'" is when it gets dangerous.

Smart people know. But they are trying to be polite or patient.

(Which, on the part of my former landlady's partner, is kinda sad. The only way she could feel better about themself was by taking someone they called a friend and trying to 'neg' them... I wasn't the only victim but I might have been the most gullible back then...)