Yeah you can file a patch with postgres and get it into the next point release or something but in the mean time you really want to keep that query from OOMing your database :)

I understand why it’s making the choice it’s making, I’m at a loss for how to convince it to make the choice I consider optimal. Given the available statistics knobs, it seems like my options are [actionable suggestions like the parent and the other helpful commenters], redesign the schema (lots of work), or pick another database (also lots of work but perhaps less than redesigning the schema only to hit a similar problem again).